I've retreated...

...somewhat from blogging my innermost feelings, thoughts, worries. It hasn't been on purpose.

It's just easier....and satisfying and fun to simply post warm, happy pictures and recollections from my best moments. To 'carefully construct' my reality into a nostalgic and beautiful scene to portray 'my world' to you....and maybe my children who may look back on these posts one day. Of course, I do want to remember those exquisite moments in all their vivid, euphoric, 'perfection'.

But Ryan sometimes teases me that he'll post about the messy kitchen, the laundry piles, the loud, chaotic evenings that seem to race towards BEDTIME in a frantic, exhausting blur....
I suppose I do need a frequent dose of reality in my blogging/archiving. :)

So tonight, I'm not just posting pictures or cute stories. I'm writing again, and attempting for the moment, to be more transparent. (If you know me, you might laugh at that aim..."to be MORE transparent"...as if I should really aspire to that end.)

Within my real world, I'm feeling worried, conflicted, frustrated. Small circumstances, relatively insignificant things said, or not said, can take so much of my joy. Even as I sit and count all the new (and old) life-giving friendships I've been given, the family that I adore, the obscenely rich lifestyle I have been allowed to lead, my fulfilling work that I enjoy, the people all over the world that I love...I can become completely overwhelmed by, immersed in such trivial worries.

But instead of just 'journaling' or venting.....or even silently worrying, I'll try to rediscover Peace.

My 'conversation' would be better directed in prayer.

O God, by whom the meek are guided in judgment, and light rises up in darkness for the godly: Grant us, in all our doubts and uncertainties, the grace to ask what you would have us to do, that the Spirit of wisdom may save us from all false choices, and that in your light we may see light, and in your straight path may not stumble; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Let There be Peace on Earth...

The months of November and December bring so much anticipation and happiness. I love singing Christmas songs with my students; decorating my house with warm lights, gold ribbon, and deep red cranberries. This time of year also gives me an excuse to spend extra time (and money--which is also fun) thinking about the people I love and trying to find thoughtful gifts to show them how much they are known and loved. I'm feeling childishly silly anticipating my brother's family coming to stay in our new house with us, my parents' house filled with many of the people I love most, all of the Corbins sitting around the Christmas tree in our red flannel pajamas...awaiting our presents and our Christmas morning feast, Bing Crosby singing 'White Christmas', burning candles, Lynn's cookies, Marianne's Finnish Coffee bread, wrapping paper and ribbon....

And this year, Christmas has also brought new joys...telling Maya the story of baby Jesus over and over again as we open the doors of our 'house' (Advent Calendar) each day, hearing her walk around the house talking about the 'babies'(always plural) the 'sheep' and the 'shep-sheps' the 'WISE' and 'Mare-mare' and 'Jose.' She particularly loves the Angel that is known as 'Do-Do' (also the name of her beloved Grandma Go-Go). I think the angel in our nativity set got her name for the song she
is always singing...."Glo----------ria, in excelsis deo...' Maya has also picked up on the Santa/ St. Nicholas Christmas themes....marching around yelling 'HO, HO, HO, Merr--.' She loves filling in the blanks as we read...
"Twas the night before __________,
and all through the ________,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a _______!
The _______ were hung
by the ______ (she thinks it's 'chin' and she points to own) with care..."

But November and December also bring a lot of chaos, stress, and extra work. I'm right in the middle of the long string of Christmas performances (and this year, I also added an overnight Choir trip last week).
This week will bring the last of the performances... Thursday night, my Elementary choir will sing, the strings will play prelude in the hall, and my High School and Middle School Choirs will perform. Saturday, the West Shore Symphony's Home for the Holidays matinee concert at the Frauenthal will end the chaos for me.

And then, peace?

There's other chaos too. Deeper, darker worries. People. I guess relationships and communities hold far greater destructive and wounding potential than responsibilities and full calendars could ever hold. Those work 'stresses' seem light and silly this year... in the shadow of so much loss and pain and disappointment around me.

But I do have hope. I think that's the point of Advent. Waiting, feeling the depth of our need. Recognizing the hopelessness... and still hoping because of Jesus.

I've been reading my last post again and again.

They aren't even my words. But somehow they sort of answer/calm my questions about myself.

Is who I am okay? Shouldn't I have done more by now with my abilities and dreams? Am I more than mediocre at anything? Why do I feel the need to make excuses for what I'm not?

Everyday I make choices to do the best with what I have at the moment, to do what's possible with what I have...knowing that if only I practiced more, prepared more, had more motivation, creative energy...I COULD do something really profound and truly great. But the dailyness of this cycle seems to confirm that maybe I'm not great...at anything.

I'm not exactly feeling bad...just trying to identify, sort-through, the feelings that seem to linger under the surface every day.

In a few minutes, I'll leave our house to join Ryan for the (what used to be our date-night) Symphony. He just called to see if it would be okay for us to have dinner afterwards at my favorite restaurant with the conductor and the guest artists.

Really. This is normal for us now. It sounds like a dream. But instead of excitement, I mostly feel intimidated, regretful. The chasm of contrast between my 'ordinaryness' as a mediocre music teacher who plays the violin (and is a bit "rusty" at the moment...or for the last 3 years) and the brilliance, success, and dilligence of these REAL musicians leaves me far more aware of my....(here it is again)...mediocrity.

But I must grow up. I must embrace my inadequacies, my vulnerability... How did she put it?
"unafraid to be vulnerable, involved, committed, to accept disagreement without feeling threatened (repeat and underline this one), to understand that I cannot take myself seriously until I stop taking myself seriously--to be, in fact, a true adult."

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts...the words of Christ dwell in you richly. And be thankful. (Colossians)

So off I go.

a perfect Christmas concert for children...

Horse drawn sleigh rides through the downtown,
Christmas ornament decorating,
the West Shore Symphony Orchestra,
orchestra conducting lessons from a real conductor,
a chance to try all the musical instruments of the symphony...an "Instrument Petting Zoo!"



The West Shore Symphony Orchestra's "Family Traditions" pre-concert event
1:00-2:45pm, before the 3:00pm Matinee on Dec. 16th
Specially priced main floor reserved seating and holiday activities for the whole family!




Special Matinee Offer...
BUY ONE TICKET,
GET ONE FREE!
ALL REMAINING
REGULAR PRICED SEATS,
MATINEE ONLY!

For more information call 231-726-3231 or visit www.wsso.org.
Tickets are available at the Frauenthal Box Office, or at Star Tickets Plus Outlets, online at www.starticketsplus.com, or by calling 800-585-3737. Ticket prices are $14-$41 with discounts for students, seniors, and groups.

Snow Day

My school is closed.

We were planning to stay home anyways. Maya and I were, that is. We both wish 'Daddy' could be home too.

We're feeling very tucked-in and sheltered from the blustery scene outside our window. Days at home without a mile long to-do list are always refreshing. But the icy wonderland outside and the mountain of snow in our driveway make our quiet warm house seem even more serene.

Tomorrow will be filled with activity...accompanying a viola student at Solo & Ensemble, conducting my string ensembles in their Christmas Concert at the Art Museum, visiting Barnes & Noble to hear a student String Quartet, and dinner with friends.

But today, ethereal Christmas music sung by choirs in far away cathedrals has been floating through our house all day (compliments of our beloved Pandora Radio).

And we're basking in the pleasure of... a new story book from Great Grandma Corbin (with Maya's own hand-crocheted mitten), hazelnut coffee, warm baths (one for each of us), restful reading, the scent of clean laundry,...







...and Maya's first Christmas tree.

'Tis the Season

A month of performances...

...tomorrow I'm taking my High School String Quintet to the Art Museum to play Christmas music for the "Festival of Trees"

...Thursday, I'm being observed by our Assistant Superintendent

...Saturday, all of my String Ensembles are giving a 12:00 Christmas Concert at the Muskegon Museum of Art..after I accompany one of my viola students at Solo & Ensemble in the morning

...next Tuesday, I'm taking my Middle and High School Choirs to sing Christmas Carols at the Hume Home

...Tuesday, Dec. 12th, my HS Choir is singing at a dinner for brain injury victims downtown Muskegon.

...and Thursday, Dec. 14th, all of my musical groups (K-4th music classes, Strings students, Middle & High School Choirs) have the Calvary Christian School Christmas Concert...

..and Saturday, Dec. 16th, Ryan and I are volunteering at the West Shore Symphony's "Home for the Holidays" Christmas Event

Somewhere in the next few weeks....I'll finish Christmas shopping, enjoy every day with Maya, focus my heart on the hope of Advent, prepare my mind and spirit for Christmas...and the peace that it brings.

...and I'll be dreaming of Christmas break, of hot baths & hot chocolate, finishing a book or two, sleeping by the Christmas tree, evening conversations with family, and days with Maya.

It's time....right?

Maybe this weekend....

Empty

That seems to be the state of my intellect lately.

Though becoming a mother has overwhelmed me with unimaginable love, the purest happiness, new depth...

...the practicality and repetition of daily life seem to be shutting down my ability to think or care about much else.

Do you ever just have really dry spells?
Creatively, spiritually, mentally...

It's almost as if the euphoria of my time spent with Maya and my immeasurable joy in being her Mother has drained me of all other ability to care.

Or maybe I care too much...about all the real and imagined problems of the people around me that I love. Either way, the weight of my emptiness is tangible.

I'm so disappointed with myself. I have everything. Most of the time, I feel intoxicated with gratitude and happiness. My heart has never been so full of love as it is now for Maya and Ryan. Still, sometimes I feel like I'm disconnected somehow...from my former self...from God.
Until a few days ago, I haven't even been honest enough with myself to notice this.

It's quite self-absorbed, I know. It's whining, self-pity, ingratitude, prayerlessness....

Still.

Does everyone experience moments of sheer disappointment? With no apparent cause?



*******************************************************************************

Now there's a really enticing "welcome back to my blog!' first post in a month."

Probably far too personal. I do apologize....but you must consider:
1) my level of exhaustion at 11:30 PM,
2) the intense ability/habitual tendency that I have to *feel* everything, and
3) my inability to filter my expression of my feelings.

I am completely transparent (and hopelessly dramatic)...definite flaws. I'll certainly live to regret them.


I promise, when my inspiration returns, I'll think of something really great to make up for such a depressing post.

For now, here's the best way I know how to make it up to you...

I'm done!

Last night was my students' final performance of the season. As I mentioned before, I had several.

In fact, just on Monday, a small ensemble of my High School Choir students sang some Christmas medleys and hymns at a dinner for brain injury survivors. It was a small, casual event in a church fellowship hall. Just before we sang, I took the students out a door into another room to warm up. No lights were on, but we could tell by the echo that it was a gym. Since we would just be a minute, I didn't mind the dark, but a couple of students persisted in trying to find the light switch for us. Finally someone found the switch. Only strangely, when he turned it on, the room was not filled with light. Instead, an incessant, loud, and urgent fire alarm sounded. Embarrassed, I re-entered the fellowship hall to seek assistance. I was relieved to find that the incredibly loud noise was not heard in the room of brain injury survivors....just the rest of the building. No one in the building knew what to do, and one of my students figured out how to turn the alarm off. So, we began our concert. My pianist was about to begin the intro to our first song when she called me over to the piano, "Mrs. Corbin, that wouldn't happen to be the fire department out in the parking lot, would it??" It was.

Last night, our concert was not so eventful. It *was* long (5th grade Band, Jr. High Band, High School Band, Middle School Choir, High School Choir, Beginner Strings, Intermediate Strings, Advanced Strings, Kindergarten, and Elementary Choir) Yes,...all in one concert. I was responsible for all but the bands. It was an amazingly complicated production....because of the number of fast stage changes and diverse sound equippment needs, and the sheer number of students involved. Since I was out in front of the stage conducting...with no control over about a hundred of my students waiting back stage, I just prayed that they would all show up on stage at the right time. They did. It was thrilling and exhausting. And just after the lights went out on stage and I was greeting my family and students' parents with smiles, I exclaimed into my (still on) microphone, "I'm Done!!"

With aching feet and a sore back, I crashed into bed as soon as I arrived home. And this morning, I received the most wonderful surprise phone call at 6:00 AM.
A snow day.
And so far, this is what I've done...

...finally, ten wonderful hours spent here...


















...and almost two hours spent here...



















...with this...




...and this.

anticipation and contentment

Life is a string of anticipation and longing. Hope and impatience are far too intertwined.
Even the happiest and most fulfilling moments of my life seem to be filled with some kind of anticipation for something else. Something that is next. The distraction of the future always seems to blur the present.
The breathtaking beauty of each season fills me with a great sense of responsibility to somehow soak it in. To capture it. To truly appreciate the fleeting perfection of what is all around me. The older I get, the more I try to hold on to the images, smells, feelings of beauty. But part of me is always longing for the next thing...

...Winter... warm houses that smell like candles, Christmas lights, family, snow transforming trees into icy lace, nostalgic music, black and white classic movies, presents, candle light concerts and church traditions...

Winter is next. And I am already imagining my red dining room lit with the glow of a Christmas tree, Ryan's train set circling around the base of the tree, stockings hanging from the banister covered with garland and berries, and all the windows filled with candles. But today is a perfect November day. The sky is just a little hazy, but still yellow and warm from the sun. Most of the trees are bare, but leaves seem to be everywhere, floating around like falling snow...only in rich, earthy colors.

Even more than my fascination with the changing seasons...is my longing for the next part of life. Already, so much of me belongs to my child. I know that I still don't even begin to comprehend how much I will love this baby. But I'm beginning to know. And the agony of not being able to see or hold this life that has taken over my body is excruciating and wonderful. I want to at least call her by name...or him. To talk to him and begin to imagine a son or a daughter.

Yet I know that my peaceful days and nights with Ryan will soon change forever. And that frightens me. I love the ease of our relationship, the spontanious ways we spend our time together.
And as much as I fantasize about being at home during the day next fall...giving up many of my work responsibilities and stresses, I love teaching every day. I love hearing smiling six year olds shout "Mrs. Corbin!!" and overwhelm me with hundreds of daily hugs. My students have become "my kids." Like a parent, I worry about my middle and high schoolers and all the decisions they will make about themselves and their futures and their friends. I see them every day, and I love sharing my life with them. I haven't made any solid decisions about what I will keep and what I will give up, but I know that whatever pieces are cut will be deeply missed. Though it probably won't compare with my new role, I will miss what I do now.

So I try to soak it in. Even the drudgery and the exhausting long days. I know that what is next is different and wonderful and beyond my understanding. There are very few moments when my thoughts are not consumed with the future...and my anticipation. But I don't want to miss the beauty of right now either.

on my mind tonight...

...the validity of asking questions without finding answers. the exhaustion that comes from questioning everything.

...church. how i usually determine my own personal 'satisfaction' with church by considering how my intellectual, emotional, entertainment needs are met. how i really long to please Christ...to be a loving bride. to honor his sacrifice by learning to love and submit as He did. to build and strengthen Christ's body by living a life of love, forgiveness, and grace instead of cynicism and pride.

...sadness that my brother Daniel won't be my pastor for very much longer. I've loved it.

...the obnoxious amount of screaming that goes on at concerts...especially 'Christian concerts'...where the lines are not always clear about whether we are screaming about Jesus or Toby Mac.

...dreading the close of summer, and the freedom i enjoy these days.

...loving my students and being energized by the time i spent with them today. kindergarteners are really fun. so are high-schoolers. my job is perfect.

...Ryan...is so almost done with school. I can't wait to feel that burden lifted for him.

...how much i really like the movie, "Love Actually."

...cherishing the amazing neighbors we find ourselves living next to...

...the sadness of realizing that relationships are different from what they used to be. that things I've shared with people...are no longer something we have in common...that i've changed (in good ways and bad). that i've hurt people. that i've been a bad friend who sometimes uses people. that i act out of selfish motives...often.

...gratitude...to have so many wise, loving people in my life to learn from and talk (write) to about ideas, about faith, about truth.