packing a lunch box, and other small things.

The first time I logged into pinterest, I found this brilliant pin about lunch box ideas.

Source: wendolonia.com via Angela on Pinterest

And this.  Another of my favorite (and first) pinterest discoveries.  Perfectly packaged apple slices.

I know, I know.  When did I turn into such a suburban 'mom' who gets excited about lunch boxes?? 

Source: athomewithrealfood.blogspot.com via Angela on Pinterest

Maya loves her apple slices in her lunchbox everyday.  The multi-level appeal of this treat is so impressive to her...it's a puzzle, it's apple slices, it's a whole apple, and best of all,  the slices don't get brown.

And I immediately started packing Maya's lunches differently.  She loves all the food surprises she finds.  We were only a few weeks into the school year when her lunches were getting kind of repetitive and boring.  I'd been a little creative, I thought, but we had (more than) overdone tabouli and sunbutter sandwiches (even if they were shaped like gingerbread men).   Preparing her lunch has become something special for us both.  I write her simple little messages too, just like my Dad used to do.  At first my messages were mostly just stick people, smiles, and "i <3 U," but now that she can read just about anything, my notes are a little longer.  Communication with my daughter through written words is pretty amazing.  Every day, that twinkle in her eyes (when we share something secret and special between the two of us) seems a little older and more 'knowing'.   She is growing. Fast.  

As a mom, a wife, a teacher (really in any life-role), preparing and repairing things for people out of love has to be something joyful and purposeful and faithful (like cleaning dishes, picking up junk, sorting papers, tuning little violins, answering repeated questions, folding clothes, sorting music, sorting dirty laundry, packing lunches, making meals, ironing, etc.) ....or beautiful things like service and selflessness and gratitude and contentment morph into something ugly like martyrdom, entitlement, bitterness, self-perceived underappreciation, and boredom.  Trust me, I know.  Those little things, ways of being responsible, neat, helpful, consistent, and goal-oriented...they are big.  Each task, an important, faithful, act of love.  

  I'm not really good at this.   I'm really NOT good at this.  Instead of actually living my life and doing the small things that make it work pleasantly for myself and everyone else who lives in my house.  I long to read, to write, to learn, dream about the big things, study my French, or plan (and internet hunt for) beautiful and artistic creations....and sometimes make them, or blog about them.  

In fact, I'm avoiding some of these loving tasks (folding clothes, ironing, organizing papers, picking up junk) at the moment.  

I know I can (and usually do) get it all done in a great flourish of energy and inspiration, but I just can't seem to be consistent.  The small tasks become really big ones before I want (or am forced to) tackle them.  Sometimes I feel hopelessly incurable in this regard.  But I know I'm not.  I'm far too optomistic to accept those hopeless feelings.  I think I might need a self- intervention, though. 

So I'm pondering some resolutions, maybe even some rules for myself.  Any ideas from my more practical, responsible readers?  How do you feed the creative, philosophical, word-loving, beauty-seeking, relational, story-loving part of your soul and still manage to be a responsible human being? 

When I do "figure it all out".... I may even attempt to live by my resolutions a while before blogging about them.   That would take some discipline.  

Though....the blog therapy really works for me.  (At least I like to think it does.)

I'm off to fold laundry.  I promise.  I won't be back again until it's done.  

For the new year.

I recently read (somewhere? on the internet) that (someone's?) research says.....

...that people who keep their mouth shut about any 'health/ fitness/weight loss/excercise/better food choices' new years resolutions are more successful than those who blab about them all the time.

I really know how to cite my sources on quality research, right? I honestly don't even remember where I saw it, and I don't think I read more than 2 sentences beyond the article title. But I did think about it a bit more.

And I guess it makes sense to me. When someone declines food without explanation, they are usually left alone. And they usually benefit from encouraging feelings of new empowerment by their own quiet strength. But if they follow up their "no, thank-you" with words like, "I shouldn't" or "I would, except that I'm trying to...." They will be bombarded with "well-meaning" pushy words of "encouragement" about "special rules for special occasions" and "rewarding" one's self...and they will eventually be derailed by 'friends.' I've been on both sides of this conversation, of course. So have you.

So, I won't say anything here about my resolutions for food or excercise or much else, for that matter. :)

But I do have hopes and new resolutions for the fresh year and clean slate of 2012. I love re-starts, re-organization, new disciplines, new hope, and new beginnings.

I'll simply give you one of my long forgotten goals that has resurged in the past week...

Je voudrais apprendre le francais. Non. Je suis determine apprendre parler le francais...cette annee.

So I've been visiting the BBC's Ma France(a free online french course) and pulling out my old 'Conversational French Class' textbook and flash cards. As with many things, I'm now a little obsessed with this new pursuit.

And I have my reasons. But I'm not telling.

So many things...

...to be grateful for. And so many things to blog about.

I keep checking this blog, so disappointed each time to see that nothing has changed. Somebody better start posting here!

You'd think with a summer of freedom and rest, with heaps of decadent time spent with family and friends... that my fingers would ache to express my joy and share my stories.

Yet despite my delightfully short to-do list and our full social calendar, I've been rather silent here.

A few summer highlights that deserve more words (and pictures) but may or may not be revisited in future posts:

• a full week spent at the cabin (overlapping with brother, Daniel and boys)
• my new love for kayaking
• Mackinac Island
• a plentiful summer garden
• fresh summer salads and fruit pies
• home organizing projects
• my new jewelry display, made from an old printer drawer
  
• new bedding (I finally made our bed pretty after 9 years of marriage)
• beach days with friends
• pool days with friends and family
• Grand Haven boardwalk dates
• a long and delightful 'ladies night' spent telling stories with some beautiful women on the patio at The Lake House
  
• college girls reunion (they came from Denver, Chicago, and Cincinnati for a 3-night sleep-over at my house)
• beach day with Ryan and girls
• Baby Camden Paul Fisher's birth

it's the last day

Only, I don't feel quite as sad or panicky as I thought I would.

It's the last evening of Spring Break. The girls are sleepy and tucked into their beds, rooms are neat, clothes laid out for tomorrow. I'm not quite as organized or accomplished as I thought I might be at this point in my spring break (the kitchen isn't quite put together yet, and there are random toys and some clutter in the living room, my school bag isn't quite organized for the week), but still I'm very grateful and content.

And so....a list (that doesn't even scratch the surface) of the blessings I've been grateful for in recent days...

• lazy mornings with coffee, and eggs, yorkshire pudding or pancakes, french toast...or even just an un-rushed bowl of oatmeal.
  
• the decadence of a blank schedule
  
• the time to just be
  
• conversations that Ryan and I have even been able to finish.
• time to just laugh together...and smile across the room or couch at each other.
• singing together with the girls in the evening, playing games with songs, singing parts, and trying rounds...seriously, it's a little 'von Trapp-ish' or maybe just 'Rudd-ish'...but it's been crazy fun
  
• finishing a book, actually the last book in a series (by Madeleine L'Engle, of course) I've been working on (little by little) for....four years!?!? As much as I am happy to have finished, to have the stories completed inside of me....I will miss these stories and characters, the beauty of the storytelling, the wisdom and truth in the words. Happily, all five of them are neatly stacked on my bookshelf downstairs waiting to be reread someday (and discovered by my children!).
• a God that loves me more than I begin to understand.
• a world that is full of complexity and beauty and mystery.
• love
• summer is coming
  
• long drives with windows down, schubert symphonies playing, and sleeping girls in the back seat
• ice cream
• Sophia figuring out the potty just a bit more (we had a few major successes this week)
  
• finishing another "Little House" book...The Long Winter. We read the last chapter (which was all about the arrival of spring and the relief from the near starvation and bitter cold of the long winter) sitting out on the deck in the sun, wrapped in a soft blanket, smelling the grass, listening to birds, eating apple slices. Maya and I agreed that we'd store that memory away for a long time
• making running a new habit (again)
• summer is coming
  
• open windows and billowing curtains
• rain
• a job, actually two, that I love....these make the return to the 'real world' a little easier
• getting to fall asleep and wake up next to my Love, knowing that he loves me
• waking up to little voices and big eyes peering into my face
• some new shoes
• brothers and sisters
  
• summer is coming
  
• april
• living near beautiful beaches
• almost forgetting what snow looks and feels like (well, okay..that's an exaggeration)
• a warm and lovely home full of everything I need (and lots that I don't)
  
• a rare and delightfully long late night phone conversation (full of everything and nothing, planning, and laughing) with my dearest Mandy who now lives in the same STATE (and for a few months, the same town) as me!

Sometimes these moments of realization...this overwhelming sense of joy in life...can be hard to remember. This feeling of bliss may fade quickly (as the busy week actually begins). But the truest things that bring me joy won't actually fade, only my awareness of them.

As I age (I am almost 30 now), I fear that my heart is sometimes harder, more practical, sometimes even quiet. And my racing mind silences the quiet voice of the Spirit in my heart.
The truest things that are 'deepest in my soul' are less and less what I think about and live out. And the more pressing things, the worries, and urgent obligations crowd my mind so that in the few moments that I dream, I dream of silly, fleeting, foolish things. Things that are lovely but might be shallow. And the softness, the gratitude and passion are less evident in my life.

But the people and relationships that I've been given, (my daughters and my husband most of all) show me daily what love really is. They remind me to keep my heart softer...they help me to desire more than anything, to have a heart that is not conformed and hardened by my own selfishness and the world... but is being transformed by my Loving Rescuer and Creator.

This blogging thing always borders on narcissism, or 'navel gazing', and feeds the image-conscious affirmation seeker within me. Sometimes I think I really should just get a journal. But I can't write as well (or as fast) as I can type. Blogger just does something clarifying (and good, I think) for my brain. But in recent years (since Motherhood) I've devoted less time to this outlet. So for this reason, (and in an attempt to avoid (or feed?) this narcissistic tendency)...I mostly just post pictures and simple stories from our life, so that the people we love can see them (or not-- if they understandably don't really care to know what we had for breakfast).

Yet somehow this post turned into that introspective rambling that I used to do a lot more (when I had time). But if you've read this far, you must have loads of time...or you love me enough to put up with my level of craziness. So, thanks.

The sun is streaming into the dining room...

...filling my kitchen with golden light and casting dark shadows of the table and chairs across the warm floor where the girls keep snuggling up in sleeping bags, pretending to sleep. (It's almost nap time.)
Patches of grass are finally showing. The wind in the trees is almost as mesmerizing as the sunlight. And after the long weeks, months of snow and ice...this day feels like a gift, hope that spring is coming. It's friday and I'm home with my girls. That feels like a gift every week. And tonight, we'll celebrate Ryan's birthday with my family. I'm making his favorite oreo/ice cream trifle dessert. He doesn't know it, so hopefully he doesn't check my blog.

I've been avoiding this job of posting again. I've never let my blog go so silent for so long. But with each event that I haven't recorded...each set of pictures I haven't posted, my procrastinating tendency grows. The job seems more overwhelming as it grows. This is one of my many weaknesses. I can't just start something in the middle, even if it's the right/best thing to do. I keep waiting until that elusive time comes when I'll be able to get 'caught up' first. But here I am, in spite of my crazy sickness. Maybe I'll go back and fill in the blanks of December and January and early February. Or maybe I'll just start here and try again. Either way...coming back feels good.

Here are two smiles that are even brighter than the rare winter sun...

i haven't given up....

...but this blog is struggling these days, huh?

I keep checking back here to see if the author has posted anything new.

Nope.

************************

I haven't posted anything this month, but March has been fun.

Here are some un-edited, randomly blurted, tired ramblings about my life lately:

• I've been cold, hopeful, and exhausted, and overwhelmed. And sometimes I've been surprisingly warm in the sun, refreshed, and content.
• Went to Ohio. It was crazy fun. Maybe I'll post pictures someday.
• I started running again. (well, I've gone twice now.)
  
• I've been practicing...but not quite as much as I should be...(my teacher is in China for a few weeks).
• Sophie is almost ONE!
• My house seems to stay messy more often than I'd like. It's making me a little crazy.
• But....the basement is organized. That was a miracle performed by my sister Katie...a surprise birthday gift for my sweet husband and me. Maybe I'll post a story about that sometime too.
• Sophia puts everything in her mouth. Another post maybe.
• I've turned into a bit of a 'NO' person. I LOVE to please people. To say 'YES'. It's an addiction for me. But my current state of crazy overcommitment has forced me into a new phase of my life, where I just say 'no'...to all kinds of great, fun, worthy, tempting activities. If I've coldly said 'no' to you recently....I'm sorry. Know that I hated saying the word. But trust me, if I hadn't been forthright and honest with you.....I would eventually disappoint you with my unavailability and lack of energy or enthusiasm.
  
• I'm feeling tired just thinking about summer....longing for the warmth, the break from work, but dreading the 10 credits spent away from my home. The next restful (or even manageable) time of my life just seems to be too far away to even see in the distance.
• So I'm trying to be here. Now. Not longing for the unattainable future that seems easier and more fun. Right now is fun. Right now is good. Right now is full of incredible joy (that I will soon look back on with longing). I know this is true....and most of the time this way of being fully present comes naturally. But often (more often in the last few weeks)...I have to keep reminding myself of the gift of 'now.'
  
• Sophie is just too precious and affectionate to describe. She is silly and smart. She loves playing with her bouncy ball, bobbing her head up and down as she watches it bounce, squealing and laughing trying to catch it, chasing it all over her room as it rolls in front of her.
• Tonight Maya and Sophie were resting their heads on each others' shoulders....putting their noses together, smiling and laughing...holding hands while riding in their new side-by-side double stroller/ bike trailer.
  
• That's all I've got. I'm cold (the thermostat is set to drop when I should be in bed), and I'm tired.

I've been posting less here...

...though my life is abounding with good things to write about...new experiences and ideas, overly-wordy contemplations about who I am, stories to tell about my children. It's just that I'm...

SO. TIRED.




Each day seems to be a chaotic, loud, exhausting, hilarious, fun, draining, ever-surprising, blur of confusion that seems to climax around dinner time. As the post-nap-time hunger rises, the house-hold volume increases with either whining, defiance, or absurd silliness.

Sometimes, dinner is incredibly peaceful, and fun, filled with stories from our day, stories from the Bible, cute antics, and kind words.
But sometimes it's less 'magical.'

Either way, once our meal is over, we just plow ahead towards bed-time as fast as we possibly can...trying to... clean up the kitchen, keep Sophie from climbing the stairs or eating everything in sight, play just a little bit more, change a diaper of a less-than-willing adorable monster, do pajamas, potty-time, milk, stories, and taking turns granting/dealing-with/ignoring/providing loving discipline for the countless urgent requests from Maya-who-is-supposed-to-be-in-bed.

Then, Ryan and I usually collapse and look at each other with bewildered expressions, silently communicating our memories of quieter days.

Then, I reluctantly peel myself off the couch or the bed, put on my slippers and practice my violin in the basement. Though I have to do a lot of internal convincing to actually do this instead of going to bed, once I start, I really can't stop.

We'd never actually wish away these days. We love them. Really.
We're just tired.

I've retreated...

...somewhat from blogging my innermost feelings, thoughts, worries. It hasn't been on purpose.

It's just easier....and satisfying and fun to simply post warm, happy pictures and recollections from my best moments. To 'carefully construct' my reality into a nostalgic and beautiful scene to portray 'my world' to you....and maybe my children who may look back on these posts one day. Of course, I do want to remember those exquisite moments in all their vivid, euphoric, 'perfection'.

But Ryan sometimes teases me that he'll post about the messy kitchen, the laundry piles, the loud, chaotic evenings that seem to race towards BEDTIME in a frantic, exhausting blur....
I suppose I do need a frequent dose of reality in my blogging/archiving. :)

So tonight, I'm not just posting pictures or cute stories. I'm writing again, and attempting for the moment, to be more transparent. (If you know me, you might laugh at that aim..."to be MORE transparent"...as if I should really aspire to that end.)

Within my real world, I'm feeling worried, conflicted, frustrated. Small circumstances, relatively insignificant things said, or not said, can take so much of my joy. Even as I sit and count all the new (and old) life-giving friendships I've been given, the family that I adore, the obscenely rich lifestyle I have been allowed to lead, my fulfilling work that I enjoy, the people all over the world that I love...I can become completely overwhelmed by, immersed in such trivial worries.

But instead of just 'journaling' or venting.....or even silently worrying, I'll try to rediscover Peace.

My 'conversation' would be better directed in prayer.

O God, by whom the meek are guided in judgment, and light rises up in darkness for the godly: Grant us, in all our doubts and uncertainties, the grace to ask what you would have us to do, that the Spirit of wisdom may save us from all false choices, and that in your light we may see light, and in your straight path may not stumble; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Check. Check.

AND...



...we enjoyed Chicken Tiki Masala for dinner.


I love completed list items.

Another nap-time has begun.
Now on to the messy house, ironing, ...and boxes of books.

Or maybe pumpkin pie??

What to do with nap time...

...is always one of my decisions of the day (on the days I am at home).

Some days, I end up cuddling, soothing, playing with one of the girls when the big afternoon nap doesn't align quite as I'd imagined. But alone time with Sophie, or occasionally Maya is precious too.

Today though, I'm really hoping to accomplish something 'practical.' A list item to be crossed off.

But what will it be....

...a pumpkin pie?
....Chicken Tiki Masala for dinner?
...a 2nd coat of paint in the red bathroom (now a year overdue)?
...the mountain of shirts needing to be ironed?
...organizing books in the basement to be donated?

Today felt good.

It was one of those days that was filled with moments of certainty... that what I'm doing is right. That I will survive, even grow, accomplish something...amidst the blurr and chaos that I sometimes feel exhausted by.

Today, all the daily things...the mundane tasks (dressing girls, changing diapers, washing dishes, making coffee, packing lunches, pushing my teaching cart, tuning violins, taking attendance, focusing students, starting dinner, cleaning dinner, washing dishes, changing diapers, clearing clutter), ...didn't feel quite as futile as they sometimes can.

Despite finding out 1 minute before my first class started that because of a funeral, I wouldn't have a classroom or a piano for my choir and despite having a second grader leave music class with a slightly bloody, fat lip...as a result of a new 'circle game' we tried (something like duck-duck-goose), my students seemed brilliant, charming, surprising, attentive (mostly) and sweet.

Most days, at least once, I find myself grumbling inwardly (or outwardly) about the piles of laundry that get cleared...for about an hour before piling up again; about the dishes that seem so sparkling clean and neatly stacked until the next meal time; or the crumb covered, yogurt smeared floor that sometimes gets swept 3 times a day or more and still looks messy.

Sometimes the joy, the gratitude that I have for my rich life gets clouded so easily, so quickly.
But today it was inexplicably easy to just enjoy the smiles, the silly laughter, the squeals to be chased, the focused and earnest but (honestly quite awful sounding) ensemble playing in strings today, the middle schoolers who 'wrote' and performed a five part improvisational round-song, the husband who entertained us all with "YOU MUST PAY THE RENT...." over our chile dinner, and who swept the corn bread crumbs and vacuumed the living room and the steps.

No particularly obvious reason for this day of clarity, contentment, and balance. But I'll take it.

And I'll try to remember it, because...

...tomorrow will probably be different. Things do fall apart.

maybe this summer...

...I will actually visit the farmer's market regularly and have fresh, locally grown food all the time.

...I will start a vegetable and herb garden.

...I will attempt to cook some real Indian, Greek, Italian...foods that Ryan and I love.

...I will plan for school as thoroughly as I always hope to.

...I will actually start exercising again.


Sometimes publicly posting my long-wished-for-and-oft-listed-but-never-actually-accomplished
goals helps me do something productive towards their success.

Want to come help me with my (so-far-still-imaginary) garden? I don't really know what I'm doing.

three years

of blogging.

This was my first post on April 25th 2005.

I think I'm a 'real blogger' now.... though I just noticed that I've only posted pictures for the last few months.

Maybe I'll think of something to 'say' soon. Maybe not.

have you seen...

...ryan's new posts?

He's been 'blogging' all weekend...just not on his blog. You'll have to visit our new mac page.

sorry i'm so slow chris o.

So, my friend Chris (who has always been one of the friends I most enjoy conversations with and one of the smartest people I went to high school with) tagged me to post this book survey thing....a while ago. I was very flattered. But not sure I could live up to his expectations... Despite my anxiety and procrastination, here it is...

01. One book that changed your life
Hm... I think I have to pick two...or twelve. Okay, just two.
First. Traveling Mercies, by Anne Lamotte
I don't think I'd even put this one on my top ten list of favorites, but it did change me.
I read it during the summer after my freshman year of college at Cedarville University. (And though now I find that after reading too much of her 'voice' I'm exhausted and annoyed by her cynicism and obnoxious ranting)...for me then, at that point in my life...her stories painted a really beautiful picture of Christianity that wasn't so...white and conservative and narrow...predictable and based on following rules and fitting a certain mold.
It helped me to see a far bigger picture of The Church...and it was surprising and refreshing and exciting.

Second. Walking on Water, by Madeleine L'Engle.
I've quoted her already here.
"...chronology will teach me how to be more aware, open, unafraid to be vulnerable, involved, committed, to accept disagreement without feeling threatened (repeat and underline this one), to understand that I cannot take myself seriously until I stop taking myself seriously--to be, in fact, a true adult.
To be." -Madeleine L'Engle

My forever struggle of finding (or accepting...or continuing toward) my 'place' as an artist, a musician, a wife, a mother, a follower of Christ...feeling mediocre and disappointed sometimes...those feelings were validated in her words. And yet her wisdom and honesty made me feel more content somehow...inspired and motivated...yet also at peace. Even her fiction makes feel more hopeful about the world.



02. One book that you’ve read more than once
Several of Jane Austen's novels.

03. One book you’d want on a desert island
I think I'm gonna have to steal the survival book idea too. It just seems wise.

04. Two books that made you laugh
Bridget Jones Diary. I laughed out loud often.
Russel the Sheep, Go to Sleep. We read it every night for a month, but it was still sad to give it back to the library last week.

05. One book that made you cry
A Severe Mercy. My favorite book last fall. Ryan even started reading it too, just because he loves me.

06. One book that you wish had been written
I wish I'd been journaling more during this pregnancy. When Sophie (or Ian) gets old enough to see the inequality of my two pregnancy journals...I'll have some explaining to do.

07. One book that you wish had never been written
hm... ?

08. Two books you're currently reading
Reading Lolita in Tehran
Out of the Silent Planet

09. One book you’ve been meaning to read
Some of C.S. Lewis that I haven't read yet.
Harry Potter.
War and Peace.
and so many classics...

(with no pressure, of course...it took me about two months to follow through on this assignment) I tag...
Rachel Beach and Katie Rose and my mom (maybe she'll actually start blogging again! I know you've been reading some good books, Mom.)

i really should have blogged sooner...

... so many thoughts have been accumulating. Too many to post now...or maybe ever.

There are so many things that I want to record about Maya's fun personality right now, lots of great pictures & memories from Christmas, thoughts about Sophia's quickly approaching arrival (only a few more months!), going back to work after a very long Christmas break...tomorrow (ugh).
A lot of other things are on my mind.
I wish I were more motivated to communicate reflectively right now. Or even communicate at all.

Hopefully soon.

Usually I try to make up for my poor emailing/phone calling/ letter-writing/friend habits by at least posting updates here. Lately I've even been a delinquent blogger. I'm so sorry. Things will be better soon. I promise.

Let There be Peace on Earth...

The months of November and December bring so much anticipation and happiness. I love singing Christmas songs with my students; decorating my house with warm lights, gold ribbon, and deep red cranberries. This time of year also gives me an excuse to spend extra time (and money--which is also fun) thinking about the people I love and trying to find thoughtful gifts to show them how much they are known and loved. I'm feeling childishly silly anticipating my brother's family coming to stay in our new house with us, my parents' house filled with many of the people I love most, all of the Corbins sitting around the Christmas tree in our red flannel pajamas...awaiting our presents and our Christmas morning feast, Bing Crosby singing 'White Christmas', burning candles, Lynn's cookies, Marianne's Finnish Coffee bread, wrapping paper and ribbon....

And this year, Christmas has also brought new joys...telling Maya the story of baby Jesus over and over again as we open the doors of our 'house' (Advent Calendar) each day, hearing her walk around the house talking about the 'babies'(always plural) the 'sheep' and the 'shep-sheps' the 'WISE' and 'Mare-mare' and 'Jose.' She particularly loves the Angel that is known as 'Do-Do' (also the name of her beloved Grandma Go-Go). I think the angel in our nativity set got her name for the song she
is always singing...."Glo----------ria, in excelsis deo...' Maya has also picked up on the Santa/ St. Nicholas Christmas themes....marching around yelling 'HO, HO, HO, Merr--.' She loves filling in the blanks as we read...
"Twas the night before __________,
and all through the ________,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a _______!
The _______ were hung
by the ______ (she thinks it's 'chin' and she points to own) with care..."

But November and December also bring a lot of chaos, stress, and extra work. I'm right in the middle of the long string of Christmas performances (and this year, I also added an overnight Choir trip last week).
This week will bring the last of the performances... Thursday night, my Elementary choir will sing, the strings will play prelude in the hall, and my High School and Middle School Choirs will perform. Saturday, the West Shore Symphony's Home for the Holidays matinee concert at the Frauenthal will end the chaos for me.

And then, peace?

There's other chaos too. Deeper, darker worries. People. I guess relationships and communities hold far greater destructive and wounding potential than responsibilities and full calendars could ever hold. Those work 'stresses' seem light and silly this year... in the shadow of so much loss and pain and disappointment around me.

But I do have hope. I think that's the point of Advent. Waiting, feeling the depth of our need. Recognizing the hopelessness... and still hoping because of Jesus.

Why I haven't posted in a while...

We've been busy practicing.

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!

Thanks Anne for the fun link!

Seriously though, I'll post more soon. I only had enough energy/interest for this.
But the more I watch Ryan's slick moves, the more certain I am that it was time well spent.

theoretically...

...I'm not so into these visitor counting things. It's not why I blog. It's been years since I even looked at a visitor counter.
But this one just looks so cool.
You can see the whole world!


Create your own visitor map!

Maybe, just maybe...we'll see a blue dot somewhere besides West Michigan.
So far, I think it's just me on the map :)

don't expect consistency here.

I guess I'm either entirely absent or an out-of-control-blogger.

But I've just not really been able to form coherent thoughts for a while.

At least not about anything I can openly 'converse' about here.

It seems that I'm always overwhelmed by how blessed I am...how eerily perfect my life continues to be...
...and then how full of complexity, disappointment, heaviness and sadness the world is...how painfully permanent and far-reaching the ripples of brokenness reach.

Worry is becoming a new virtue for me. I don't think it's always been such a natural gift, but lately I've been embracing it. Staying up at night trying to compose letters to people I love...people within my circle of worry, waking from bizarre dreams where I'm trying to solve the problems around me..trying to explain my action and inaction to different people...trying to bring reconciliation.

I'm considering the possibility that maybe worry isn't the answer here. It just seems to be a new and developing talent in my life.