sick

I know that life is about to get easier, more fun, and a little more organized.  I just know it.

I'm honestly not feeling defeated or hopeless.  At all.  I'm quite hopful and excited, really.  I'm just kind of sick.

And it seems lately that every day is full of long obligations and appointments and responsibilities.  And the pile of clean laundry downstairs will never be folded and put away.   And the scattered toys and (possibly important) papers will never be organized and under control.  And so many things are about to change.  And all is not right in the world, and it's very evident these days.

Today, I finally had an afternoon.  And I slept it all away.  Sick.  The girls and I took 3 hour naps.  After having slept in until 8 AM!  And now, before 9 pm, I'm ready to fall asleep again.  If I can breathe enough to sleep.  The rain and thunder are perfect.  As is the Nyquil.   Hopfully the Z-pack does its magic too, so that I can be full of energy and motivation tomorrow.

I miss my Love too.  He's in Georgia tonight, and my room is too quiet.  But he comes home tomorrow.

With my pounding head and aching muscles and sore throat, I feel very un-ready for tomorrow.  But hopeful for what tomorrow will bring.

Sheesh.  I sure am whiny.

In other news....

Can you hardly wait??

Concert Week

I love this time of year.

Not just because I have (in my part-time teaching schedule) only EIGHT DAYS LEFT of school.

Okay.  That might be part of it.

But I really love concert time. It's so exciting and so stressful.  So many details to plan, information to communicate...tasks to accomplish, loose ends to 'tie,' students to motivate and empower.  But the end result (especially when it exceeds your hopes and expectations) is simply magical.  Watching the excitement and focus and pride reflected in your students eyes... Meeting parents and grandparents and hearing wonderful stories about the impact of music and music education.  Feeling the adrenaline rush as the students look at you full of nervous excitement, bows poised, fingers placed...


...and then that rush of relief and exhaustion when it's all over.

Final rehearsals are happening this week, and so far, all is going well. Maybe too well, actually.  And strangely, I'm not that nervous or stressed?  Maybe I should worry about that.  I probably should.

Anyways, if you'd like to see nearly 75 second graders playing Mozart on the violin on one stage....
Or just under 50 third graders performing together on violins, violas and cellos...

...you will not want to miss this Thursday night (May 10) at the North Muskegon FLEX center.
6:00 PM Second Grade Violin Concert
7:00 PM Third Grade Strings Concert

And next week, the Fourth and Fifth Grade String Ensembles will perform some Blues, Beethoven, Irish Fiddle tunes, Dvorak melodies, music from Handel's "Royal Fireworks Music," and more.
Thursday, May 17 at 6:30 PM.

I love my job.

a february flourish

Yesterday was one of those energetic, sun-filled days brimming with people and good things.  On my calendar, it didn't seem possible (to actually do all the things we were committed to), and I was a little nervous about attempting it, but somehow it worked, splendidly.

The girls woke up first (of course), playing and thumping around the house, gathering toys and setting up little "hide-outs"... until they got thirsty and hungry enough to barrel into our room asking loudly for some apple juice and 'frosting cereal' (Sophie's pretty serious about her daily frosted-mini-wheats).  We had whole-wheat apple and flax seed pancakes instead.  Saturdays deserve special breakfasts, I think.  Those extra hours (before anyone has to be dressed and prepared and somewhere-other-than-home) allow for a sunny meal at the table...usually waffles, pancakes, sausage souffle, or york-shire pudding.

Maya and Sophie usually have "sleep-overs" on the weekends.  We pull out the trundle bed in Maya's room and they stay up a little later, whispering silly things in the dark.  Sometimes, Ryan and I listen for a while by the door, stiffling our laughter and trying to remember everything.  I don't remember hardly any of their silly imaginings or conversations, but I remember the feeling of that shared moment, theirs and ours.

After our slow morning at home, we volunteered at a Symphony pre-concert event.  While clowns rolled around on unicycles, making balloon animals, giant animal-costumed characters roamed around the lobby delighting (and terrorizing some) children.  Pop-corn was popping, animal tattoo hand-puppets were being applied to children's hands, and I was helping children (and adults) try violins and cellos at the "Instrument Petting Zoo."  Maya and Sophie loved the whole thing. It looked like spring outside the windows of the Frauenthal lobby.  The Muskegon 'Snowfest' made the downtown a busy place (a rarity), street volleyball and chili cook-offs and people (sans the February winter coats) and bright tents filled the streets.

The symphony concert, though quite enchanting and beautiful, proved challenging for our 3 and 5 year olds.  Maya might have done okay if she could have seen better, but with her patch covering her good eye, I doubt she could see any details from our balcony seats.  Hearing the music might have also helped, but a terrible ear infection this week made her unable to hear the subtle sounds of the string section.  Eventually, the dark, and the music, the exhaustion from a busy day, and my fingers 'playing' the notes on her arm put her to sleep.  But both of them managed to sit relatively still and quiet through the first half.  We didn't attempt the second half.

After the symphony we raced to a 'Mr. Potato Head Birthday Party' for one of our favorite three-year-olds.  

By the time the house was filled with many of our closest friends, it was time to leave for church music practice and Saturday-night church.  Some kind friends volunteered to keep our kids and bring them later, so they didn't have to miss the rest of the party. Which turned out to be quite the event (including a special drive-by visit from a real fire-man with his firetruck delivering fire helmets to all the children)! 

At church, Ryan and I and our friends made music together (which is always good for my soul and mind), we played and sang to each other and to our creator... violin and 2 accoustic guitars... 

...heal my heart and make it clean

open up my eyes to the things unseen

show me how to love like You have loved me

break my heart for what breaks yours....

...

...then sings my soul, my Savior, God to Thee

How great Thou art...

After church, we ate tacos at El Burrito Loco around a wild table full of children and laughter, then headed home for a late bed-time (and for me....a late-night run and some yoga, then to bed with peach tea, new pajamas, a book light, and my Conversational French book.)

This may be the start of a flourish on the blog too....  I have lots of things to post about. Lots of things to be grateful for.  Did I tell you I'm going to Paris?  I am.  And I have lots to say about that.  Stay tuned.

Or don't.  It could be a long wait.

day for giving thanks

On days like today, it's so easy. The wind keeps roaring wildly as it passes by the house and plows into the siding. The leaves are swirlng everywhere and the golden sunlight makes all of it glow. (I know, I have an obnoxiously recurring thing about 'golden sunlight' and wind. I just can't get over them. I think these kind of days force me to blog becuase I feel just too full.) When I happen to notice life-giving beauty for a moment, it seems time-less and mesmerizing, and I desperately want to store it up...to make it through the not-so-beautiful days.

The perfection of the magical picture outside my window isn't real. I'm well aware. Life just isn't quite that picturesque. For the past three weeks, I've been sick, ...hacking and coughing, struggling to breathe every night. Sore and weak from not sleeping, I've been grumpy and whiny too. In my exhaustion I tend to worry about things I care deeply about but can't solve. I've also begun to feel that nagging sense of urgency about my students' upcoming concert and my lack of remaining rehearsal time.

Ryan was gone on a business trip the night before last, and my single-mom-for-a-night self was frustrated and impatient with my squirelly children who where being silly and ridiculous and NOT getting ready for bed after a late night out at Wednesday night church. After a tearful saga and loud and a rather dramatic bedtime routine, we all finally slept.

Yesterday, the girls played with their Nana, while I spent the day listening to beautiful (as well as awful) violin, viola, and cello sounds, listening to (and attempting to offer wise advice? for) elementary playground conflicts, passing out bandaids, comforting tears, and hearing delightful stories about hours spent practicing and new songs memorized.

Now today, all seems well again. So my gratitude kicks in. Looking back, my week was just busy enough, with days at home, and work that I love at school. I feel full and accomplished and overflowing with gratitude for this restful day. My love for my students is growing as I watch them grow and our knowledge of one another grows too. They delighted me with enthusiastic stories of their practicing accomplishments this week.

Ryan arrived back home last night after two business trips in two weeks. And today, after work he begins his full week of vacation. (I'm envisioning a new mantle built over the fireplace and boxes of Christmas decorations being unpacked, stockings hung, lights twinkling...)

Sophie is sleeping upstairs after our fun morning of bringing Maya to school, sipping our coffee and chocolate milk at Starbucks, cleaning our house, reading stories, and bringing birthday oranges to Great Grandpa Andy & Grandma Marge. While we were there, Sophie got several rides down the hall on their walker (which I think is only used for giving Sophie rides?). They made her a bowl of Mrs. Grass chicken noodle soup at her request (at 10:30 AM!?) and a cup of instant coffee for me. We dug around their apartment through three bedrooms full of old cassette tapes, VHS tapes, books, pictures, boxes of yarn and old greeting cards searching for the DVD of Anne of Green Gables. The grandchildren bought it for Grandma last year for Mother's Day, but she couldn't remember where it was. When we finally found it, we discovered a broken DVD/VHS player. A problem that will need to be solved soon.

But the time was lovely, and I can't get over how grateful I am that my daughters have such rich connections with (four sets!! of ) grandparents and great grandparents. I've always had special grandparent connections too, but mine always lived far away, and my Great Grandparents where all gone before I was born. My children have an almost daily kind of life with Grandparents. Something I never even imagined. Today, Sophie's 93 year old great grandfather hopped down to his knees (as if it were no big deal) to give her a big good-bye hug. She ran to meet him (and I envisioned, with horror, her wild force knocking him over) and gave him a gentle hug. (phew)

suppressed excitement

Today I stood at my classroom door giving hugs and wishes for a great summer. I turned in my grades and organized my cart. I still have some work to do in the building before I am officially done for the summer, but today was my last day with students.

I am very aware of my 'in-between-ness' tonight. Almost...done with school for the year, almost on summer "break", almost ready to start my last summer of grad school.

I have big dreams for summer days at the pool, the beach, the library, gardening, reading, sewing, walks, ice cream, play dates, the zoo, the Fredrick Meijer Gardens, a whole week spent at the cabin. But the reality may not be as 'dreamy' as my aspirations (though I am determined to cram ALL of those things into our days somehow). In one week, I will begin the commute to MSU. First, for a 2-week workshop that meets all day every day. It will be wildly fun, incredibly challenging, inspiring...and exhausting. And as soon as that class ends, the next 6-week session begins: Research. Only one class this summer...and I think...I like research. I certainly like the fact that this will be my very last class for this degree. But my excitement to be done (soon!!) is quite restrained. There is much to do before I sigh with relief or celebrate.

This weekend however, will be filled with busy fun. A mass of graduation open houses, a wedding, a graduation, and somehow in the midst of the busy-ness...I am mostly excited about family time. Kelly, Sean, and Chloe arrived tonight from Massachusetts! And on Saturday, Andrew, Lynn, Jaelyn, and Addison are coming from Ohio for a quick visit too. ALL my siblings and nieces and nephews in the same town. Too good for words. I'm trying to suppress my expectations about how much time I will get to spend enjoying their company...but I'm really hoping for a quite a lot.

a week of birthday celebrations

Sophia.
Jaelynne.
Jaelyn.
Samantha.
Isaac.
Will.

I loved (and love) celebrating all of you!!!
Happy Birthday!

i haven't given up....

...but this blog is struggling these days, huh?

I keep checking back here to see if the author has posted anything new.

Nope.

************************

I haven't posted anything this month, but March has been fun.

Here are some un-edited, randomly blurted, tired ramblings about my life lately:

• I've been cold, hopeful, and exhausted, and overwhelmed. And sometimes I've been surprisingly warm in the sun, refreshed, and content.
• Went to Ohio. It was crazy fun. Maybe I'll post pictures someday.
• I started running again. (well, I've gone twice now.)
  
• I've been practicing...but not quite as much as I should be...(my teacher is in China for a few weeks).
• Sophie is almost ONE!
• My house seems to stay messy more often than I'd like. It's making me a little crazy.
• But....the basement is organized. That was a miracle performed by my sister Katie...a surprise birthday gift for my sweet husband and me. Maybe I'll post a story about that sometime too.
• Sophia puts everything in her mouth. Another post maybe.
• I've turned into a bit of a 'NO' person. I LOVE to please people. To say 'YES'. It's an addiction for me. But my current state of crazy overcommitment has forced me into a new phase of my life, where I just say 'no'...to all kinds of great, fun, worthy, tempting activities. If I've coldly said 'no' to you recently....I'm sorry. Know that I hated saying the word. But trust me, if I hadn't been forthright and honest with you.....I would eventually disappoint you with my unavailability and lack of energy or enthusiasm.
  
• I'm feeling tired just thinking about summer....longing for the warmth, the break from work, but dreading the 10 credits spent away from my home. The next restful (or even manageable) time of my life just seems to be too far away to even see in the distance.
• So I'm trying to be here. Now. Not longing for the unattainable future that seems easier and more fun. Right now is fun. Right now is good. Right now is full of incredible joy (that I will soon look back on with longing). I know this is true....and most of the time this way of being fully present comes naturally. But often (more often in the last few weeks)...I have to keep reminding myself of the gift of 'now.'
  
• Sophie is just too precious and affectionate to describe. She is silly and smart. She loves playing with her bouncy ball, bobbing her head up and down as she watches it bounce, squealing and laughing trying to catch it, chasing it all over her room as it rolls in front of her.
• Tonight Maya and Sophie were resting their heads on each others' shoulders....putting their noses together, smiling and laughing...holding hands while riding in their new side-by-side double stroller/ bike trailer.
  
• That's all I've got. I'm cold (the thermostat is set to drop when I should be in bed), and I'm tired.

I've been posting less here...

...though my life is abounding with good things to write about...new experiences and ideas, overly-wordy contemplations about who I am, stories to tell about my children. It's just that I'm...

SO. TIRED.




Each day seems to be a chaotic, loud, exhausting, hilarious, fun, draining, ever-surprising, blur of confusion that seems to climax around dinner time. As the post-nap-time hunger rises, the house-hold volume increases with either whining, defiance, or absurd silliness.

Sometimes, dinner is incredibly peaceful, and fun, filled with stories from our day, stories from the Bible, cute antics, and kind words.
But sometimes it's less 'magical.'

Either way, once our meal is over, we just plow ahead towards bed-time as fast as we possibly can...trying to... clean up the kitchen, keep Sophie from climbing the stairs or eating everything in sight, play just a little bit more, change a diaper of a less-than-willing adorable monster, do pajamas, potty-time, milk, stories, and taking turns granting/dealing-with/ignoring/providing loving discipline for the countless urgent requests from Maya-who-is-supposed-to-be-in-bed.

Then, Ryan and I usually collapse and look at each other with bewildered expressions, silently communicating our memories of quieter days.

Then, I reluctantly peel myself off the couch or the bed, put on my slippers and practice my violin in the basement. Though I have to do a lot of internal convincing to actually do this instead of going to bed, once I start, I really can't stop.

We'd never actually wish away these days. We love them. Really.
We're just tired.

a weekend story in pictures