almost summer

We've had so many summer-like pleasures lately.  Just this weekend, we've had cook-outs, beach walks, ice-cream, a parade, back-yard kiddie pool splashing, sprinkler adventures, tree planting, grass mowing, eating breakfast and dinner on the deck, even eating the first few strawberries from our garden. 

After tomorrow, I'll have just one official teaching day left.  Quite a few organizing, planning projects to do as well, but the school year is disappearing quickly.  Tomorrow, I'll have my fifth graders for the last time.  Being an elementary-only music teacher has its sacrifices.  Saying good-bye is one of my least favorite.  Last week, those fifth graders shared some special solos and I had a few specific words of appreciation and affirmation for each of them.  There were tears and hugs and lots of loving words from the students.  Tomorrow might be even worse.  It's hard to say good-bye to students.

I grew accustomed to keeping them....from first grade, right on up to graduation day.  I was spoiled, but it was one of my favorite perks of being a multi-age music teacher.  I loved the longevity of my relationships.  That was hard to give up.  And it was very, very hard to say good-bye to those students.  Before I had my own daughters, they were 'my kids'...and I think I'll always feel a little of that protective love.

But summer is coming and my kids and I have some beautiful plans for our sunny mornings and days at the beach and time with cousins and friends.  My time with them is already speeding by.  That protective teacher love is so much fiercer now as mother love.   And that short-and-all-too-fast-window of "first grade--on up to graduation" is now my own reality.  Maya is an official first grader.  A graduate.  She reminds me of this several times a day, sometimes with teasing words about how fast she's growing up, sometimes with factual information about being DONE with kindergarten, sometimes though...my favorite...is when she just circles around me humming 'Pomp and Circumstance.' 

 

I'm not so sure I'm ready for the pace of the fall....and first grade!  I can hardly think about September now.  

But I am ready at least, to embrace June, July, and August!

sick

I know that life is about to get easier, more fun, and a little more organized.  I just know it.

I'm honestly not feeling defeated or hopeless.  At all.  I'm quite hopful and excited, really.  I'm just kind of sick.

And it seems lately that every day is full of long obligations and appointments and responsibilities.  And the pile of clean laundry downstairs will never be folded and put away.   And the scattered toys and (possibly important) papers will never be organized and under control.  And so many things are about to change.  And all is not right in the world, and it's very evident these days.

Today, I finally had an afternoon.  And I slept it all away.  Sick.  The girls and I took 3 hour naps.  After having slept in until 8 AM!  And now, before 9 pm, I'm ready to fall asleep again.  If I can breathe enough to sleep.  The rain and thunder are perfect.  As is the Nyquil.   Hopfully the Z-pack does its magic too, so that I can be full of energy and motivation tomorrow.

I miss my Love too.  He's in Georgia tonight, and my room is too quiet.  But he comes home tomorrow.

With my pounding head and aching muscles and sore throat, I feel very un-ready for tomorrow.  But hopeful for what tomorrow will bring.

Sheesh.  I sure am whiny.

In other news....

Can you hardly wait??

barely intelligible utterances of excitement

I have a jittery feeling in my sides.  I sometimes feel like flopping my hands up and down and... and screeching.  Every feature of my face smiles.

One of the greatest joys of this trip is the preparation and the anticipation.  Realizing the magnitude of the gift, I want to be able to hold on to as much as possible, to be so intentional that I don't let one hour of it slip by.  My brain is bursting with fresh learning, French phrases and sounds, historical information, stories and art, architecture and Paris, practical information, museum schedules and exhibits, itinerary plans.  I sometimes feel that I'm hardly containing half of the "learning" I am consuming.  And so sometimes my brain just swirls with unintelligible feelings (not words or thoughts)  of pure anticipation and elation.

It hardly seems real.

Sometimes, in my head....when I should be thinking about something else, I'm saying "Ohmygoodness.Ohmygoodness.Ohmygoodness.I'mgoingto PARIS!   THIS. WEEK."

Most of the time I can function and focus and be more outwardly focused.  I can plan for other things, invest in others, listen, be in the moment.  The authenticity and graciousness of the people around me usually keep me grounded.  Some really sweet people that love me even ask me questions about my trip and listen and dream with me...and they are (either genuinely or convincingly) excited too.  Every once in a while, when I am able to be really present in the world around me and the people and the problems and the blessings and the daily stuff...I actually forget for a few minutes.  Then suddenly,  the thought of it just consumes me and I grin and I usually start shaking a little.

Ohmygoodness. I'm going to PARIS.  In a few DAYS!

I'm really sorry about how obnoxious I am.  It'll be over soon.

packing a lunch box, and other small things.

The first time I logged into pinterest, I found this brilliant pin about lunch box ideas.

Source: wendolonia.com via Angela on Pinterest

And this.  Another of my favorite (and first) pinterest discoveries.  Perfectly packaged apple slices.

I know, I know.  When did I turn into such a suburban 'mom' who gets excited about lunch boxes?? 

Source: athomewithrealfood.blogspot.com via Angela on Pinterest

Maya loves her apple slices in her lunchbox everyday.  The multi-level appeal of this treat is so impressive to her...it's a puzzle, it's apple slices, it's a whole apple, and best of all,  the slices don't get brown.

And I immediately started packing Maya's lunches differently.  She loves all the food surprises she finds.  We were only a few weeks into the school year when her lunches were getting kind of repetitive and boring.  I'd been a little creative, I thought, but we had (more than) overdone tabouli and sunbutter sandwiches (even if they were shaped like gingerbread men).   Preparing her lunch has become something special for us both.  I write her simple little messages too, just like my Dad used to do.  At first my messages were mostly just stick people, smiles, and "i <3 U," but now that she can read just about anything, my notes are a little longer.  Communication with my daughter through written words is pretty amazing.  Every day, that twinkle in her eyes (when we share something secret and special between the two of us) seems a little older and more 'knowing'.   She is growing. Fast.  

As a mom, a wife, a teacher (really in any life-role), preparing and repairing things for people out of love has to be something joyful and purposeful and faithful (like cleaning dishes, picking up junk, sorting papers, tuning little violins, answering repeated questions, folding clothes, sorting music, sorting dirty laundry, packing lunches, making meals, ironing, etc.) ....or beautiful things like service and selflessness and gratitude and contentment morph into something ugly like martyrdom, entitlement, bitterness, self-perceived underappreciation, and boredom.  Trust me, I know.  Those little things, ways of being responsible, neat, helpful, consistent, and goal-oriented...they are big.  Each task, an important, faithful, act of love.  

  I'm not really good at this.   I'm really NOT good at this.  Instead of actually living my life and doing the small things that make it work pleasantly for myself and everyone else who lives in my house.  I long to read, to write, to learn, dream about the big things, study my French, or plan (and internet hunt for) beautiful and artistic creations....and sometimes make them, or blog about them.  

In fact, I'm avoiding some of these loving tasks (folding clothes, ironing, organizing papers, picking up junk) at the moment.  

I know I can (and usually do) get it all done in a great flourish of energy and inspiration, but I just can't seem to be consistent.  The small tasks become really big ones before I want (or am forced to) tackle them.  Sometimes I feel hopelessly incurable in this regard.  But I know I'm not.  I'm far too optomistic to accept those hopeless feelings.  I think I might need a self- intervention, though. 

So I'm pondering some resolutions, maybe even some rules for myself.  Any ideas from my more practical, responsible readers?  How do you feed the creative, philosophical, word-loving, beauty-seeking, relational, story-loving part of your soul and still manage to be a responsible human being? 

When I do "figure it all out".... I may even attempt to live by my resolutions a while before blogging about them.   That would take some discipline.  

Though....the blog therapy really works for me.  (At least I like to think it does.)

I'm off to fold laundry.  I promise.  I won't be back again until it's done.  

Advent Prayer

Lord Jesus,

Master of both the light and the darkness,

send your Holy Spirit upon our preparation for Christmas.

We who have so much to do

seek quiet spaces to hear your voice each day.

We who are anxious over many things

look forward to your coming among us.

We who are blessed in so many ways long for

the complete joy of your Kingdom.

We whose hearts are heavy

seek the joy of your presence.

We are your people,

walking in darkness yet seeking the light.

To you we say

“Come, Lord Jesus”.

Amen.

~Henri Nouwen

Then...

...when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:

“Death is swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”

I Corinthians 15:54-55

it's the last day

Only, I don't feel quite as sad or panicky as I thought I would.

It's the last evening of Spring Break. The girls are sleepy and tucked into their beds, rooms are neat, clothes laid out for tomorrow. I'm not quite as organized or accomplished as I thought I might be at this point in my spring break (the kitchen isn't quite put together yet, and there are random toys and some clutter in the living room, my school bag isn't quite organized for the week), but still I'm very grateful and content.

And so....a list (that doesn't even scratch the surface) of the blessings I've been grateful for in recent days...

• lazy mornings with coffee, and eggs, yorkshire pudding or pancakes, french toast...or even just an un-rushed bowl of oatmeal.
  
• the decadence of a blank schedule
  
• the time to just be
  
• conversations that Ryan and I have even been able to finish.
• time to just laugh together...and smile across the room or couch at each other.
• singing together with the girls in the evening, playing games with songs, singing parts, and trying rounds...seriously, it's a little 'von Trapp-ish' or maybe just 'Rudd-ish'...but it's been crazy fun
  
• finishing a book, actually the last book in a series (by Madeleine L'Engle, of course) I've been working on (little by little) for....four years!?!? As much as I am happy to have finished, to have the stories completed inside of me....I will miss these stories and characters, the beauty of the storytelling, the wisdom and truth in the words. Happily, all five of them are neatly stacked on my bookshelf downstairs waiting to be reread someday (and discovered by my children!).
• a God that loves me more than I begin to understand.
• a world that is full of complexity and beauty and mystery.
• love
• summer is coming
  
• long drives with windows down, schubert symphonies playing, and sleeping girls in the back seat
• ice cream
• Sophia figuring out the potty just a bit more (we had a few major successes this week)
  
• finishing another "Little House" book...The Long Winter. We read the last chapter (which was all about the arrival of spring and the relief from the near starvation and bitter cold of the long winter) sitting out on the deck in the sun, wrapped in a soft blanket, smelling the grass, listening to birds, eating apple slices. Maya and I agreed that we'd store that memory away for a long time
• making running a new habit (again)
• summer is coming
  
• open windows and billowing curtains
• rain
• a job, actually two, that I love....these make the return to the 'real world' a little easier
• getting to fall asleep and wake up next to my Love, knowing that he loves me
• waking up to little voices and big eyes peering into my face
• some new shoes
• brothers and sisters
  
• summer is coming
  
• april
• living near beautiful beaches
• almost forgetting what snow looks and feels like (well, okay..that's an exaggeration)
• a warm and lovely home full of everything I need (and lots that I don't)
  
• a rare and delightfully long late night phone conversation (full of everything and nothing, planning, and laughing) with my dearest Mandy who now lives in the same STATE (and for a few months, the same town) as me!

Sometimes these moments of realization...this overwhelming sense of joy in life...can be hard to remember. This feeling of bliss may fade quickly (as the busy week actually begins). But the truest things that bring me joy won't actually fade, only my awareness of them.

As I age (I am almost 30 now), I fear that my heart is sometimes harder, more practical, sometimes even quiet. And my racing mind silences the quiet voice of the Spirit in my heart.
The truest things that are 'deepest in my soul' are less and less what I think about and live out. And the more pressing things, the worries, and urgent obligations crowd my mind so that in the few moments that I dream, I dream of silly, fleeting, foolish things. Things that are lovely but might be shallow. And the softness, the gratitude and passion are less evident in my life.

But the people and relationships that I've been given, (my daughters and my husband most of all) show me daily what love really is. They remind me to keep my heart softer...they help me to desire more than anything, to have a heart that is not conformed and hardened by my own selfishness and the world... but is being transformed by my Loving Rescuer and Creator.

This blogging thing always borders on narcissism, or 'navel gazing', and feeds the image-conscious affirmation seeker within me. Sometimes I think I really should just get a journal. But I can't write as well (or as fast) as I can type. Blogger just does something clarifying (and good, I think) for my brain. But in recent years (since Motherhood) I've devoted less time to this outlet. So for this reason, (and in an attempt to avoid (or feed?) this narcissistic tendency)...I mostly just post pictures and simple stories from our life, so that the people we love can see them (or not-- if they understandably don't really care to know what we had for breakfast).

Yet somehow this post turned into that introspective rambling that I used to do a lot more (when I had time). But if you've read this far, you must have loads of time...or you love me enough to put up with my level of craziness. So, thanks.

The End.

This afternoon, I will drive to MSU for my very last class.
My assignments are all done. I still have to email my last paper. But I'm done. I'm not sure I quite believe it, actually. But this is the end.

Tomorrow, when Ryan is done working, we'll leave for the cabin.

There are piles of clean laundry to be folded, and suitcases that need to be packed. The house needs some serious attention, but the mountain of dirty dishes is gone. The kitchen is actually quite functional now. I've been a little productive, but mostly the girls and I have been playing all morning. Maya figured out how to play most of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star on the piano today. She was trying last night..and this morning, she got it. Finding that first interval was really hard, she kept guessing and getting frustrated. I'm not sure how she memorized her starting note, or the distance between do and sol, but she's got it down now. It is so fun to watch her working at something with such focus..and then experiencing the delight of realizing her success. It's pretty magical to watch. We've listened to a short Youtube excerpt of Swan Lake again and again. She wants to figure that one out next. That, and Vivaldi's Spring. Sequential learning is just so tedious.



I'll get more laundry/cleaning/packing done tonight and tomorrow.

suppressed excitement

Today I stood at my classroom door giving hugs and wishes for a great summer. I turned in my grades and organized my cart. I still have some work to do in the building before I am officially done for the summer, but today was my last day with students.

I am very aware of my 'in-between-ness' tonight. Almost...done with school for the year, almost on summer "break", almost ready to start my last summer of grad school.

I have big dreams for summer days at the pool, the beach, the library, gardening, reading, sewing, walks, ice cream, play dates, the zoo, the Fredrick Meijer Gardens, a whole week spent at the cabin. But the reality may not be as 'dreamy' as my aspirations (though I am determined to cram ALL of those things into our days somehow). In one week, I will begin the commute to MSU. First, for a 2-week workshop that meets all day every day. It will be wildly fun, incredibly challenging, inspiring...and exhausting. And as soon as that class ends, the next 6-week session begins: Research. Only one class this summer...and I think...I like research. I certainly like the fact that this will be my very last class for this degree. But my excitement to be done (soon!!) is quite restrained. There is much to do before I sigh with relief or celebrate.

This weekend however, will be filled with busy fun. A mass of graduation open houses, a wedding, a graduation, and somehow in the midst of the busy-ness...I am mostly excited about family time. Kelly, Sean, and Chloe arrived tonight from Massachusetts! And on Saturday, Andrew, Lynn, Jaelyn, and Addison are coming from Ohio for a quick visit too. ALL my siblings and nieces and nephews in the same town. Too good for words. I'm trying to suppress my expectations about how much time I will get to spend enjoying their company...but I'm really hoping for a quite a lot.

Some happy news from our friend Rick...

You may have read my earlier post last fall about our good friend Rick's very aggressive cancer diagnosis. Over the last couple of months, a few tests have seemed to confirm that the chemo is working beyond all expectations. Rick's post today was just too exciting not to share...

"My CT Scan results are in. And they are great news! There is no direct evidence of cancer on the scans. One area that previously showed cancer is no longer picking up any evidence. The other area that previous showed cancer has shrunk for the 2nd scan in a row and is much less defined, meaning that it could be just inflammation or even scar tissue from the cancer dying. The radiologist did not feel confident enough to label it as cancer.

We are taking this as excellent news. Dr. Sipahi is fairly sure there is still cancer present, but it is very small and possibly only microscopic. And even better yet, it is NOT spreading. This marks about 6 months since my diagnosis and according to imaging tests, there is less evidence (possibly none) of cancer now than there was at diagnosis 6 months ago. We are cautiously optimistic about these results and are planning a small celebration soon. We're going up to Boyne Mountain the first week of March for a skiing weekend and to go to Avalanche Bay indoor waterpark as a whole family getaway..."

You can read more (or sign his carepage) here.

If you think of it, please continue to plead for Rick's healing and pray for encouragement and strength and love to surround Rick, Cindy, Lauren, and Carter.

A Swiftly Tilting Planet

This may be my favorite of Madeleine L'Engle's 'Time Quintet' (A Wrinkle In Time) so far. The possibility and hope of this story (these many stories, really) intertwined through creation, history, humanity, individuals, and time are still making my heart race and my mind swirl a little.

I love the way that Reality is made clearer in L'Engle stories...that what we see is not all that is. And that what we cannot see is far more real. As I read, I felt newly awakened to the reality of how small I am. How fleeting are all things visible and present. And yet even as I was dwarfed by the enormity of the Universe and my Creator, I was synchronously awed by the significance and interconnectedness of each person, each action, and each moment.

At the risk of sounding silly, ridiculously romantic, and childish....I'm kind of hoping my dreams tonight will be graced with time-traveling unicorns and wind and sparkling water and golden sun....

But despite the appeal of all those enchanting images, the truths that Madeleine L'Engle so brilliantly and generously has given her readers in this story will linger in my conscious far longer than my wild dreams of time travel and outer space.

Romaine, basil, mint, red pepper...

...green onions, beefsteak tomatoes, cucumber, and green beans.

Our first attempt to grow food.

We may have been a little over-zealous in our quantity, for such a small garden. Some of the cucumber plants (that Ryan and Maya started as seeds) already seem to be a little scrunched and choked....or maybe they're just wimpy. But most of the other plants are still looking quite hopeful.



I'm mildly concerned about the hungry animals that make their home in our yard. Do squirrels like to eat lettuce and tomatoes? I've only ever seen one 'Peter Rabbit' in our yard this year...but we do have squirrels in abundance.

But if the rabbits and squirrels don't steal it all, we may have some very fresh salad at our house this summer for our friends who come to visit.

You'll have to wait a few weeks though.

Of course you're still welcome to come sooner if you're not just in it for our organic food.

I've been posting less here...

...though my life is abounding with good things to write about...new experiences and ideas, overly-wordy contemplations about who I am, stories to tell about my children. It's just that I'm...

SO. TIRED.




Each day seems to be a chaotic, loud, exhausting, hilarious, fun, draining, ever-surprising, blur of confusion that seems to climax around dinner time. As the post-nap-time hunger rises, the house-hold volume increases with either whining, defiance, or absurd silliness.

Sometimes, dinner is incredibly peaceful, and fun, filled with stories from our day, stories from the Bible, cute antics, and kind words.
But sometimes it's less 'magical.'

Either way, once our meal is over, we just plow ahead towards bed-time as fast as we possibly can...trying to... clean up the kitchen, keep Sophie from climbing the stairs or eating everything in sight, play just a little bit more, change a diaper of a less-than-willing adorable monster, do pajamas, potty-time, milk, stories, and taking turns granting/dealing-with/ignoring/providing loving discipline for the countless urgent requests from Maya-who-is-supposed-to-be-in-bed.

Then, Ryan and I usually collapse and look at each other with bewildered expressions, silently communicating our memories of quieter days.

Then, I reluctantly peel myself off the couch or the bed, put on my slippers and practice my violin in the basement. Though I have to do a lot of internal convincing to actually do this instead of going to bed, once I start, I really can't stop.

We'd never actually wish away these days. We love them. Really.
We're just tired.

Sometimes, I wish....

...that I had been one of those really focused children. That I had spent hours practicing my violin. Not just playing it. But carefully, precisely....perfecting my technique. Making observations, judgments, and adjustments to my own playing. But I wasn't that child. I played my violin alot. I made a lot of music. And I progressed easily. But I really didn't practice.

So when I entered the 'world of music' (a college music department, professional music circles, and now grad school) I felt kind of, behind. And when I'm in circles of musicians, I'm always aware that I'm not quite intense enough. That I haven't spent the time..., that I'm not quite as proficient or knowledgeable....as I should be.

But with all those feelings of inadequacy (which are unhealthy, and revisited all to often on this blog...sorry, and are only sort-of based on truth) there's also this sense of smugness with which I sometimes comfort myself, a happy sense of satisfaction because I know... deep down.... I know.... that I could be...really good.

And I remind myself that instead...

I'm..."balanced". That I have a lot of interests, involvements, skills, relationships. That I've chosen this path of scattered investments. That my highest priorities right now are not music or academia, but people. A few very important people that need me.

(I couldn't help but post these old pictures. Just too sweet.)

And I'm unbelievably happy about this.

In fact, I feel really lucky. That I kind of get to 'have it all'. That I get to live this life of rich blessing...motherhood. And I get to share my whole life with my incredibly generous, self-sacrificing, funny, intelligent, handsome Ryan and our children.

AND.

I'm still a musician, and I'm still learning. And tomorrow I get to meet an amazing violinist who will actually listen to me play (cringe) and help me improve (hopeful smile). I'm scared to death about actually playing.

I listened to my Senior Recital CD yesterday. Often cringing at the rough spots, but mostly shocked that I could play that way not so long ago. Pieces I would struggle these days to read, let alone finger and play....I was playing with clarity...sometimes beauty and what even sounded like... ease.

And as I listened, I resolved to myself (and aloud to Ryan)...

This old recording will NOT be my best.

Merry Christmas from the Corbins!

You might get a card in the mail too. But if you do, it'll be late. I think I mailed about 7 cards on time...then I ran out of stamps. Christmas day is just 14 minutes away from being over. Hope your day was full of Love.

I don't know how...

....but I'm going to make the most of this opportunity.

I just made the payment for my three credits at Grand Valley. MingHuan Xu has agreed to take me as a violin student for this Winter. Did you read about her?

I'm already nervous..but mostly excited.

It's a one hour lesson per week, but I receive three credits towards my Masters at MSU. So that means, I practice...a lot. Maybe during nap time? In the basement?

I haven't really 'studied' violin in six years. And my playing has painfully regressed. I better go practice now. And I'll have to take a trip here soon to get my bow re-haired and maybe repaired.

maybe this summer...

...I will actually visit the farmer's market regularly and have fresh, locally grown food all the time.

...I will start a vegetable and herb garden.

...I will attempt to cook some real Indian, Greek, Italian...foods that Ryan and I love.

...I will plan for school as thoroughly as I always hope to.

...I will actually start exercising again.


Sometimes publicly posting my long-wished-for-and-oft-listed-but-never-actually-accomplished
goals helps me do something productive towards their success.

Want to come help me with my (so-far-still-imaginary) garden? I don't really know what I'm doing.

A fragmented post

One of the happiest moments of my day...



Watch more of Maya's violin lesson here.

Some other happy moments...

Arriving to work early after an eerily calm morning... without rushing. Early enough even for a rare visit to the Starbucks drive-through.

A couple of my little violinist girls were patient enough (and happened to have good enough timing) to feel some surprisingly powerful Sophia/Ian kicks while I tuned their violins.

Hearing my beginner strings class celebrate so enthusiastically as we attempted each new song in their books today.... "Pepperoni Pizza," "Hot Cross Buns," and "Au Claire de la lune."

Dinner at 6:00 with Ryan and Maya...and the sun was STILL shining. hope. spring.

Cookie dough ice cream.




For me today, life and beautiful things kept happening...but part of me felt like everything should stop. Mostly, it was a very heavy day. And I haven't really allowed myself to feel the full weight of it. It just isn't something my mind can process, but I'm aching still.

My school day ended in a circle on the floor with my fourth graders, listening to another teacher carefully explain to the class why a Grandma had come to get one of their friends earlier in the day. She came to bring her home and to tell her that her father (who had just celebrated his 41st birthday with her yesterday) suddenly, without any explanation (so far) or any warning had died this morning at work.

As Ryan and I sang and tucked our Maya into her bed tonight, I couldn't stop thinking of my little red-headed girl who won't have her daddy tuck her in tonight or ever. And who never imagined that this could be what today would bring.

I love this little girl so much. Maya adores her too. She plays with her while she waits for her violin lesson to start each week. I will miss hearing her play Boccherini's famous Minuet tomorrow. I hope she is sleeping now.

i really should have blogged sooner...

... so many thoughts have been accumulating. Too many to post now...or maybe ever.

There are so many things that I want to record about Maya's fun personality right now, lots of great pictures & memories from Christmas, thoughts about Sophia's quickly approaching arrival (only a few more months!), going back to work after a very long Christmas break...tomorrow (ugh).
A lot of other things are on my mind.
I wish I were more motivated to communicate reflectively right now. Or even communicate at all.

Hopefully soon.

Usually I try to make up for my poor emailing/phone calling/ letter-writing/friend habits by at least posting updates here. Lately I've even been a delinquent blogger. I'm so sorry. Things will be better soon. I promise.