day for giving thanks

On days like today, it's so easy. The wind keeps roaring wildly as it passes by the house and plows into the siding. The leaves are swirlng everywhere and the golden sunlight makes all of it glow. (I know, I have an obnoxiously recurring thing about 'golden sunlight' and wind. I just can't get over them. I think these kind of days force me to blog becuase I feel just too full.) When I happen to notice life-giving beauty for a moment, it seems time-less and mesmerizing, and I desperately want to store it up...to make it through the not-so-beautiful days.

The perfection of the magical picture outside my window isn't real. I'm well aware. Life just isn't quite that picturesque. For the past three weeks, I've been sick, ...hacking and coughing, struggling to breathe every night. Sore and weak from not sleeping, I've been grumpy and whiny too. In my exhaustion I tend to worry about things I care deeply about but can't solve. I've also begun to feel that nagging sense of urgency about my students' upcoming concert and my lack of remaining rehearsal time.

Ryan was gone on a business trip the night before last, and my single-mom-for-a-night self was frustrated and impatient with my squirelly children who where being silly and ridiculous and NOT getting ready for bed after a late night out at Wednesday night church. After a tearful saga and loud and a rather dramatic bedtime routine, we all finally slept.

Yesterday, the girls played with their Nana, while I spent the day listening to beautiful (as well as awful) violin, viola, and cello sounds, listening to (and attempting to offer wise advice? for) elementary playground conflicts, passing out bandaids, comforting tears, and hearing delightful stories about hours spent practicing and new songs memorized.

Now today, all seems well again. So my gratitude kicks in. Looking back, my week was just busy enough, with days at home, and work that I love at school. I feel full and accomplished and overflowing with gratitude for this restful day. My love for my students is growing as I watch them grow and our knowledge of one another grows too. They delighted me with enthusiastic stories of their practicing accomplishments this week.

Ryan arrived back home last night after two business trips in two weeks. And today, after work he begins his full week of vacation. (I'm envisioning a new mantle built over the fireplace and boxes of Christmas decorations being unpacked, stockings hung, lights twinkling...)

Sophie is sleeping upstairs after our fun morning of bringing Maya to school, sipping our coffee and chocolate milk at Starbucks, cleaning our house, reading stories, and bringing birthday oranges to Great Grandpa Andy & Grandma Marge. While we were there, Sophie got several rides down the hall on their walker (which I think is only used for giving Sophie rides?). They made her a bowl of Mrs. Grass chicken noodle soup at her request (at 10:30 AM!?) and a cup of instant coffee for me. We dug around their apartment through three bedrooms full of old cassette tapes, VHS tapes, books, pictures, boxes of yarn and old greeting cards searching for the DVD of Anne of Green Gables. The grandchildren bought it for Grandma last year for Mother's Day, but she couldn't remember where it was. When we finally found it, we discovered a broken DVD/VHS player. A problem that will need to be solved soon.

But the time was lovely, and I can't get over how grateful I am that my daughters have such rich connections with (four sets!! of ) grandparents and great grandparents. I've always had special grandparent connections too, but mine always lived far away, and my Great Grandparents where all gone before I was born. My children have an almost daily kind of life with Grandparents. Something I never even imagined. Today, Sophie's 93 year old great grandfather hopped down to his knees (as if it were no big deal) to give her a big good-bye hug. She ran to meet him (and I envisioned, with horror, her wild force knocking him over) and gave him a gentle hug. (phew)

"Loot(k) Mom. Dat's Do-Do!!"

...Maya was so excited when she saw this picture on the back of a magazine at Grandma 'Go-Go's' house. "It's...it's...it's DO-DO on nair!!"

Grandma Gloria was thrilled with her 'likeness.'

Finally, a birthday dinner...

....to celebrate Mom (Corbin's) birthday. It was really on the 8th. But the snow kept foiling our plans to celebrate with dinner. We'll never repay her for the 101 meals she cooks for us every year, but her birthday is a good chance to catch up a little.

After dinner, we went upstairs to visit with the other birthday guests (via our Mac).

And Maya ran wildly back and forth between the bedrooms as Nana and Papa entertained her with puppets!

For his first Father's Day present, Ryan told me that he wanted a new suit...navy blue pinstripe. So, when we finally had a day without a million commitments, we drove to Grand Rapids to hunt for the perfect suit. But on the way to the mall, Ryan suggested a spontanious detour to the Frederick Meijer Gardens.

The Meijer gardens were breathtaking...hundreds, maybe thousands of complex, fragile plants and trees from all over the world growing inside of an enormous glass greenhouse. Among the flowers, there were other masterpieces: sculptures by Degas, Rodin, an artist's recreation of Davinci's horse, and other contemporary pieces. It was an amazing collection of beautiful work.

My grandmother Linda was a gardener. The careful, daily tending and nurturing was a natural part of who she was. She sketched detailed maps of her gardens...labelling each plant and flower. I like to think that I could someday create something that beautiful and alive. I do share many of her traits. Her long thin fingers and toes. Her unruly eyebrows. A bit of her eccentricity. Her love for books, art, shopping, carefully wrapped gifts, Les Cheneaux". But her gardener's blood does not flow through my veins. I lack the dilligence and patience it requires. But I love to enjoy the work of those who have this gift. A walk in any garden inspires me to pay more attention to detail, to think about the complexity of creation, to actually water the few tropical plants in my living room (that I usually allow to slowly die of thirst and neglect).

Maybe someday Maya will learn to love and care for flowers like her great grandmother.
She certainly enjoyed her first day at the gardens.


...we did find a suit. And of course, Ryan looks amazing in it. Maybe someday I'll post a picture of my handsome husband in his Father's Day present from me.

But Maya got him the present he really wanted. A remote control airplane.

i want to learn the easy way

I'm feeling precarious.

My life is so carefree and easy and full of joy right now. My immediate family, though flawed and strange-with strained relationships at times, is full of love, warmth, and honesty. I have a loving, strong, funny, intelligent, dashing husband who loves me and respects me and lavishly shows his affection for me. I find great fulfillment in my job, teaching music, helping students love music, and love their creator who gave us music. And right now, I am enjoying a VERY light work load...enjoying simple pleasures of life-reading, soaking in the sun, friends, contemplation, yard-work, rest, running....

I know that life is full of joy and pain, relief, rest, fear, sorrow. it's complicated. we are becoming who we are because of the complicated, messiness of life. But i feel like i've gotten to enjoy the easy part for so long. that maybe i have grown flippant, apathetic, too self-assured, too unaware. that maybe it won't last forever. it can't. what may be coming? this feels too easy.

...on father's day, we found out that my grandpa andy, my only living grandpa, who is closer to ninety than eighty, was feeling chest pains due to blockage in his heart. About two decades ago, he had a heart attack, open heart surgery, and a prognosis of only a few more years of life. But, i've been blessed enough to grow up with him...healthy, active, and full of life. He's had multiple complications and operations over the years, but he's always been fine. tomorrow he will have a heart cath, a new stint installed, and angioplast? i don't understand all the medical procedures, and the risks involved, but i know that his veins are thin, and he's not in his seventies anymore.

i'm worried.

i shouldn't be fearful, but i do feel precarious. i want to be grounded...to understand the lessons that i am supposed to learn from the darker, difficult side of life, but i don't want to have to go through loss to learn it.

whenever i recognize that i am worrying, i think of matt. 6 "do not worry..." and i try to twist it into some sort of quick comfort that "it's all going to be okay. don't waste time worrying...just focus on the positive"

but i don't think that these words of Christ were meant to keep me from considering the possibility of loss. i think Christ's message there was more about worrying about temporal things, seeking to gain wealth and things...clothes, food, "for the pagans run after all these things" (v. 33) "but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness"...take care of others needs, live as part of his kingdom...reflecting and generously pouring out his love wherever you go. i think that's what its really about.

do i have to suffer loss to really learn that? please. no.