theoretically...

...I'm not so into these visitor counting things. It's not why I blog. It's been years since I even looked at a visitor counter.
But this one just looks so cool.
You can see the whole world!


Create your own visitor map!

Maybe, just maybe...we'll see a blue dot somewhere besides West Michigan.
So far, I think it's just me on the map :)

don't expect consistency here.

I guess I'm either entirely absent or an out-of-control-blogger.

But I've just not really been able to form coherent thoughts for a while.

At least not about anything I can openly 'converse' about here.

It seems that I'm always overwhelmed by how blessed I am...how eerily perfect my life continues to be...
...and then how full of complexity, disappointment, heaviness and sadness the world is...how painfully permanent and far-reaching the ripples of brokenness reach.

Worry is becoming a new virtue for me. I don't think it's always been such a natural gift, but lately I've been embracing it. Staying up at night trying to compose letters to people I love...people within my circle of worry, waking from bizarre dreams where I'm trying to solve the problems around me..trying to explain my action and inaction to different people...trying to bring reconciliation.

I'm considering the possibility that maybe worry isn't the answer here. It just seems to be a new and developing talent in my life.

our new house

This was our first day as new home-owners. Maya showed her approval by taking her longest walk ever...all the way across the house (before this day, she was pretty content with 5 or 6 steps). It isn't so empty any more (or so terribly sterile looking), but...she still loves to run around in it.
I'll post more updated pictures soon. It's starting to look a little more like 'us.'

five years after our own August wedding...

...we took our daughter on a very long car ride and celebrated the marriage of our friends Dave and Lauren in Springfield, Ohio.
It was a beautiful wedding. Full of hope, truth, love, honesty. And surrounded with intricate and bright stained glass windows, delicious food enjoyed at an art museum reception complete with some of our dearest friends.

Maya was pleased by the great power she seemed to hold over her new friends. Not one of them could refuse her constant pointing to be taken in a new direction, to see one more picture...especially when she tilted her head to one side, begged with her big blue eyes and wrinkled up nose, and her sweet little voice said 'peas'.



No one could refuse, but especially not our beloved Mandy.

the end.

of summer, that is.

At least the summer that means, no early mornings, no lesson planning, no responsibility...
well. I guess that sort of summer never really came this year. I actually had some of the earliest mornings ever, lots of reading and studying and writing, great responsibility...no beach lounging, novel reading days for me this year.

But I feel like I should be mourning the loss of something as teachers' meetings commence tomorrow at 8:00AM.

Back to school I go...

cinnamon.

I forgot...

...to post these way back in June. My mom and sister Lynn both posted more great pictures and thoughts from this weekend celebrating my parents 40 YEAR marriage!


We rented this lodge near Traverse City and spent the weekend cooking, eating, cleaning up, swimming, talking by the fire, visiting Traverse City, and running after small children.
As always, it was chaos. But the kind of chaos we subject ourselves to by choice...and only out of deep love.

driving

The most dreaded part of my summer has instead become a glorious time of ...
independence,
inspiration,
reflection,
prayer,
learning French (I've actually finished a course on tape for the first time in my life---I've borrowed them from libraries at least 4 times now),
soaking up some opera, some Cole Porter, and Leonard Bernstein,
NPR,
long conversations with my Mandy,
misty mornings,
warm afternoon sunlight,
a Madeline L'Engle interview on tape,
Angela's Ashes audiobook...

Next up...A Wrinkle In Time (a long ago read, and sadly, forgotten book by my new favorite author).

If only my car didn't require so much gas...

...I think I could really learn to like driving.

(So..I probably should have spent the last hour studying for my mid-term ...instead of blogging. I wish I could find a way to safely do THAT while driving!)

Sometimes...

...looking around, it seems like an inordinate number of things are out of place in life. That brokenness and disappointment are everywhere. That the glimmers of hope for which I desperately grasp are being relentlessly
torn apart,
clouded,
and revealed to be less than I imagined.

But sometimes,
hope
is impossible to miss. It is overwhelming and delightful. One piece of the shadow can disappear and the light pouring in is suddenly and blissfully blinding.


One of the more persistent shadows just disappeared.
It's not my news to share yet.
(If you checked all my friend links, you might find it)

But I'm jittery and silly with happiness.

picture green grass,...

...leaves on the trees,
and a white volkswagen in the driveway.



It's almost final.
My stubborn, negotiating husband (along with the expertise of our amazing realtor, Noel Berg) got us a really good deal.

Come visit us soon.

some indi afterthoughts

More pictures are here, but
I just uploaded my camera again and found a few more images from our week in Indianapolis...

This shady tree-covered sidewalk was our favorite stretch on our walks...

Our night time view...(we actually didn't see it until our last night there when we realized we'd kept the curtains closed every evening from 8:00pm till morning--so that one particular member of our family would go to sleep and STAY asleep all night)

I wish my abilty to feel things for other people held some
practical purpose.

It seems so meaningless to ache with hurt when it can't fix anything.

I wish my ability to carefully construct the world around me into a sepia toned, nostalgic, warm and fuzzy dream world could actually mend the brokenness that seems to lurking in too many corners right now.

This selfish craving of my own personal warmth and security in knowing the people I love are fulfilled, happy, loved...
...doesn't mean that they are fulfilled, happy, loved.

And all of my imaginative, artistic, naive wishing doesn't really hold any power to alter reality or hide the truth that life is not...sepia toned.

If it could somehow, magically (miraculously?) restore some of the hope, truth, depth into some of the broken things around me...would I be willing to give up the comfort (and appearance) of my own 'fairytale-ish' life?

my swirling thoughts turned to prayer

In God's loving presence I unwind the past day,

starting from now and looking back, moment by moment.
I gather in all the goodness and light, in gratitude.
I attend to the shadows and what they say to me, seeking healing, courage, forgiveness.

Lord, grant me the grace to be free from the excesses of this life.
Let me not get caught up with the desire for wealth.
Keep my heart and mind free to love and serve you.

(words from Sacred Space.)

Sometimes...

...there seems to be far more chaos than even I can feel. So much confusion and brokenness that I can't seem to focus enough to even feel anything.

And most of the time, I can feel everything...for everyone.

But tonight the heavy chaos around me and my own (mostly happy) chaos have left me with a kind of false tranquility, even ambivalence...

...a way of distancing and preserving myself from all the hurt of others that I usually immerse myself in?

Maybe I'm just tired.

But the cloudiness seems thicker than fatigue.

after eight hours in a windowless classroom...

...Maya got to tell me about all the fun places she'd been with 'daddy.'

I am so grateful to Ryan for supporting me so fully...for encouraging me to go back to school, for the financial sacrifices, for taking vacation time to bring Maya to East Lansing for the week, so that we could be together.

p.s.-I don't think you even know this blog exists, but thank you Randy and Jo for opening your home and your lives to us all week. You were far more generous than we deserve.

where to begin..

...when it's been so long. I've often sat at the computer, opened a new post, and left it blank. I keep meaning to post. There have been lots of things to blog about.
But the longer I wait, the more daunting my task becomes.

This shouldn't be so much of a chore.

I like to think of it as a hobby. But you're not supposed to feel guilt for neglecting hobbies. Right?

So maybe my brothers are right. I just might not actually like blogging right now. I like looking back at posts I've written. I like reading friends' blogs. I even like thinking about future posts I intend to write. But somehow, I just don't do it.

So, as if you didn't already realize this (I'm writing this for myself. I'm aware that you are perceptive enough to understand this already. You know me well enough that you probably don't check here every day, disappointed that I STILL haven't posted anything new.) I have no expectations for this blog right now. No quotas, no guilt, no pressure.
In fact, I probably won't post much.
But I might.

And since I've already done this much work....

...I might as well just go ahead and ramble a bit...

I took a step this summer that makes me feel hopeful about my recurring BLAH feelings...my disappointment, regret, insecurity...
I became a student again.
There is something about being a student that makes me realize that my inadequacies are not unique and not permanent. I am still learning, growing. I am not yet ready to stagnate, to wallow in self pity and allow the daily grind to steal my hope.
I spent a week on the stately campus of MSU, walking under old trees, reading and writing music on benches in quiet botanical gardens, singing and acting ridiculous with other music teachers, studying the way that children learn, discussing musical development and creativity, having rich conversations with new friends...and learning from people that inspire me.

And again, I felt deeply happy that this is my job.

This week, another (and I think better) kind of happiness is mine... hours and hours of uninterrupted time with my Maya. While Ryan attends 'Fundraising School' at Indiana University, we've been filling our days with wandering about the streets and canals of Indianapolis, resting and playing in our air conditioned hotel room, and napping...

...oh, and searching online for places to live.
We're 99% sure we've sold our house!

finally, a new post...

...pictures of maya over here.

More to come...

Just so I don't miss the whole month of May...

...here's a post.

Don't laugh at me. I'm not really obsessive compulsive about a lot of things. Well maybe I am more than I like to admit.

But it would just really bother me if my archives skipped a month. I mean, how terrible would that look over on the right side of my blog? "...March, April, June..."

So don't worry. May is safe now. One post for May. Probably the best writing you've read in a while....thoughtful, enriching, inspiring, though provoking, witty.

Okay. I know it's sad.

More to come....sometime.

Good night.