'Tis the Season

A month of performances...

...tomorrow I'm taking my High School String Quintet to the Art Museum to play Christmas music for the "Festival of Trees"

...Thursday, I'm being observed by our Assistant Superintendent

...Saturday, all of my String Ensembles are giving a 12:00 Christmas Concert at the Muskegon Museum of Art..after I accompany one of my viola students at Solo & Ensemble in the morning

...next Tuesday, I'm taking my Middle and High School Choirs to sing Christmas Carols at the Hume Home

...Tuesday, Dec. 12th, my HS Choir is singing at a dinner for brain injury victims downtown Muskegon.

...and Thursday, Dec. 14th, all of my musical groups (K-4th music classes, Strings students, Middle & High School Choirs) have the Calvary Christian School Christmas Concert...

..and Saturday, Dec. 16th, Ryan and I are volunteering at the West Shore Symphony's "Home for the Holidays" Christmas Event

Somewhere in the next few weeks....I'll finish Christmas shopping, enjoy every day with Maya, focus my heart on the hope of Advent, prepare my mind and spirit for Christmas...and the peace that it brings.

...and I'll be dreaming of Christmas break, of hot baths & hot chocolate, finishing a book or two, sleeping by the Christmas tree, evening conversations with family, and days with Maya.

It's time....right?

Maybe this weekend....

the fairy princess welcomes her guests

Proof that Dick Devos is creepy...

Write in Rudd.

This is My Stove...

Write in Rudd for Governor.
Because Dick Devos is creepy.

Elgar's Cello Concerto and Madeleine L'Engle...

...breathed life back into me.

Also...I remembered that I am loved.

The emptiness doesn't seem quite so thick today.


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"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable."

Madeleine L'Engle, "Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art"

Oswald Chambers had harsh words for me tonight...

"Why shouldn’t we experience heartbreak? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us collapse at the first grip of pain. We sit down at the door of God’s purpose and enter a slow death through self-pity. And all the so-called Christian sympathy of others helps us to our deathbed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, as if to say, "Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine." If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?"

Empty

That seems to be the state of my intellect lately.

Though becoming a mother has overwhelmed me with unimaginable love, the purest happiness, new depth...

...the practicality and repetition of daily life seem to be shutting down my ability to think or care about much else.

Do you ever just have really dry spells?
Creatively, spiritually, mentally...

It's almost as if the euphoria of my time spent with Maya and my immeasurable joy in being her Mother has drained me of all other ability to care.

Or maybe I care too much...about all the real and imagined problems of the people around me that I love. Either way, the weight of my emptiness is tangible.

I'm so disappointed with myself. I have everything. Most of the time, I feel intoxicated with gratitude and happiness. My heart has never been so full of love as it is now for Maya and Ryan. Still, sometimes I feel like I'm disconnected somehow...from my former self...from God.
Until a few days ago, I haven't even been honest enough with myself to notice this.

It's quite self-absorbed, I know. It's whining, self-pity, ingratitude, prayerlessness....

Still.

Does everyone experience moments of sheer disappointment? With no apparent cause?



*******************************************************************************

Now there's a really enticing "welcome back to my blog!' first post in a month."

Probably far too personal. I do apologize....but you must consider:
1) my level of exhaustion at 11:30 PM,
2) the intense ability/habitual tendency that I have to *feel* everything, and
3) my inability to filter my expression of my feelings.

I am completely transparent (and hopelessly dramatic)...definite flaws. I'll certainly live to regret them.


I promise, when my inspiration returns, I'll think of something really great to make up for such a depressing post.

For now, here's the best way I know how to make it up to you...

so...desperation leads me to use my blog as a tacky, tasteless platform to beg for help.

any experienced painting friends want to paint ??

Home Depot mixed our paint wrong, so all the progress we've made today (the first ...and maybe only saturday without rain in weeks) is wasted and one whole side of the house will now need one or two coats of the right color to be repainted.

We know that the big game is on. Maybe tomorrow??

my little red chair

painting houses on forest hills

Eight or nine years ago my brother and his wife bought a cute little cape cod house on Forest Hills Rd. Only, it wasn't so cute then. The now beautiful hardwood floors were not only covered with hideous carpet but were also nearly destroyed by the damp mess left by unattended dogs and/or cats. You should see their floors now. Stunningly smooth with a glossy cherry finish.

One of the other major projects was to paint the exterior. So one hot summer day, I and a few of my friends came over to help paint. As we covered the dingy shade of green with fresh white paint, I focused most of my energy on flirting with a boy I liked.

Neither of us (that boy...or me) could have ever dreamed that one day, David and Marianne would be helping US paint the house next door. And that it would be *our* house...with *our* baby inside.



It's actually all blue now...just needs a second coat in places. White trim needs to be painted...and the brick foundation.
If it would stop raining on the weekends, we'd be able to finish!

just before sleep on saturday night

Not much to say.

It's simply been too long.

The familiar routine of school is slowly taking over my life... a different sort of routine than that of my new 'Mayan' need for predictability. Both structure inducers bring good things. Neither seem to ever completely settle into 'the swing of the things' (as is always expected to happen but never actually does).

Our house is no longer black.

I miss its 'goth-ness' but I do like the new nautical/ beach-y/ Ralph Lauren-ish look...
(more work still to be done, help is welcome,...pictures to come)

Tuesday morning will be painful. But it is still days away...

I do love my days with students. And my days with Maya even more.

Stability, contentment seem real at this moment. Even easy.

"..but every day I am swayed by whatever is on mind."

how lucky are we?!?

We just get to have fun together all day.

Knowing that the end of summer--the best summer of my life-- is near has made it a rough week. For some reason, I feel like when school begins, all of this time with Maya will end.

It seems like a cruel trick. That I've created this safe and consistent, happy world for her that is only an illusion. That soon, I won't be there whenever she wakes up. And she doesn't even know it yet.

Really it will only be two days a week that she'll get to spend with her Grandmas who will spoil her and overwhelm her with love and attention.

And I love my job--it is meaningful, fun...it doesn't even feel like work most of the time. I have new textbooks for my elementary classes! Beautiful books, CD's, DVD's, computer programs, visuals...I've never had real music curriculum before! I care so deeply for 'my kids'. I have always loved seeing them every day, watching them learn and grow, finding new passions and abilities.

But my heart just isn't as available as it used to be. It is so unreservedly Maya's now.

The reality of going to work, and leaving her...in just a few weeks is growing more tangible. And far more painful than when it was just an idea in the distant future. She still seems so little. Lately, my tears are so close to the surface. (So unlike me...actually not.)

Just two days a week....I'll still have five days with her.

It will be okay.
People do this every day.
She will be fine.
No one else could take better care of her or love her more than her Grandmas.

I am so lucky that I even have this beautiful daughter to feel so torn over.

She will be okay.

alone.

Maya got to spend an hour with her Uncle David today. From what I hear, they had a really fun time.

I didn't.

I had to attend a funeral...alone. My parents' neighbor died this week after several difficult months of cancer attacking one organ after another. My parents are at the cabin right now. So because I grew up next door, wandered often through their extensive gardens, and played occasionally with his grandchildren, I was sent as the representative of my family. As I approached the church, I wondered what I would say... or if I needed to say anything...
The line to sign the guest book trailed out the doors. There were hundreds of people filling the pews--probably more than on most Sundays. I felt out of place, awkward without my daughter, without Ryan...or anyone. It wasn't a terrible feeling, just strange and uncomfortable. The only familiar face was the Marie, the widow.

And suddenly I realized how completely alone *she* was. How uncomfortable and awkward her new role must be.

Her fragile smile looked tired as she greeted her friends and family members. Always a hostess. They used to throw dinner parties together on their patio and in the gazebo, surrounded by carefully tended flowers, winding brick paths, a small waterfall cascading into a tiny pond filled with goldfish. They were best friends.

After the benediction, I got to go home...to hold Maya and meet my best friend for lunch. He promised me that he'd never die.

In four days...

I'll be here...



with my two favorite people.

do you see the girl in the orange hat??

I watched her reach down to get her cell phone out of her purse....


...as I waited on the other end of the line for her to answer.

Look a little closer...


It's Kim! and the guy next to her in the orange shirt is Rob! And that's me on the phone. I'm on TV

She even waved to me!

They were on the screen for most of the game, their seats being right behind home plate. I've never watched the television screen so intently during a Tigers game before. If baseball comes on I usually fall asleep, if I even stay in the room that long.

my best friend came to visit...

Aren't Mandy and Josh so cute together?

100th post

Go ahead. You can comment with your congrats. I know you are impressed.

I taught eight violin/viola lessons today. It was my first moderately long day of working since Maya's birthday. And despite my fear that Maya would feel neglected, she actually got pretty spoiled. As each new student came to the door, their mother would snatch Maya from the previous student's Mom and hold her for the entire lesson. She got a lot of attention today. And a ridiculous amount of..."OH!! She is SO beautiful." "I think she has got to be the prettiest baby in the whole world!" "REALLY! She is GOR-geous!" Though I am in complete agreement with these claims, I did cringe a little with embarrassment... and fear that my daughter will end up being utterly vain. My mother always tried to emphasise the value of inner beauty. I could just hear her voice in my mind correcting Maya's admirers with, "But MOST of all, she is kind."

So after a long day of listening to violins and violas, showing off her delightful smile, and being held by a million sweet strangers, Maya felt a little sad. She just wanted me to hold her. And I felt the same way.

"Hello Ohio, the back roads. I know Ohio..."

It was fun to be back in the State of our early days of marriage. I remembered a few things that I loved about Ohio...

The rest stops on the toll road. They not only have TCBY, but also Panera...AND Starbucks. Crazy. Ohio does some things right.

The winding roads. I will cherish my memories of this weekend, driving down twisting roads covered by huge tree branches and glittering sunlight. Catching up with Rachel. Feeling younger. Remembering how much I miss the girls.

Historic brick mansions. Maya and I enjoyed strolling through the gardens, soaking in the beauty of the pools and greenery, sipping ice tea before we feasted inside the Oneil House at Marc and Allison's Rehearsal Dinner.

Friends. Though only a few of them are truly 'Ohioans', some of my deepest and most enduring friendships were made in Ohio. The setting pulled from my mind memories from college of packed cars racing down hills and around curves, weekends in Akron, Cincinnati, Kentucky. Falling in love with the music of Franck, Chopin, Ben Folds, Miss Saigon. Being with my best friends in dorm rooms, Theaters, Opera Houses, college towns, Coffee shops, YellowSprings, Chipotle, Easton, The Cheesecake Factory, art museums, downtown streets of Cincinnati, recital halls, practice rooms, Ballets.
The yearly weddings are always a fun excuse to see eachother, but the time is always far too busy and short.


Andy, Lynn, Jaelyn, & Addison. Walks around the circle. Ice Cream. Endless attention for Maya from her cousins. Morning coffee. Silly games of scherades. Basmati rice. Pandora radio (you *will* love it.) Coffee freezes and smoothies in downtown Canton. Huge, monumental slides. Lots of singing. Unending piano music. Ave Maria. Stories. Laughter. Avocado Chicken. And Aunt Lynn and Maya meeting for the first time.


Lynn's cookies.











Singing the benediction while holding hands accross the pews at Vermilion Evangelical and Reformed Church. On our way home on Sunday, we visited our old church in Vermilion where Ryan was a youth pastor. It was so fun to show off our sweet babygirl. And surprising to see almost all of our 'kids'...who were much taller, older, smarter, and no longer middle-schoolers. We walked in as the service started and didn't see any of them there, but by the end of the sermon, our pew had been slowly filled (thanks to cell phones, we think). So as I was saying, we ended the service like always... holding hands, singing a blessing to the tune of Edelweiss...really!



So Maya loved Ohio. This is how she actually looked for most of the trip!

maya's first road trip

Tomorrow morning, I will leave town with my parents (something I've done countless times before)....and my daughter (something I've never done before). This will be Maya's very first long trip.
She's very excited about it.

We're transporting a piano to 'casacommunitas' (my brother's house in Canton, Ohio).

It is the piano that first taught me to make and love music. My brothers and I grew up listening to our mother's unmistakeable style of arranging hymns on this piano. Falling asleep to her 'sweeping glissandos.' Soon the piano will be at Andy's house for his family to enjoy it's music as he did.... (an excerpt from his mother's day post a few years ago)...

"Lying in bed with the lights out and down the long hallway of the ranch house echo the gentle fingers of my mother playing and playing and playing the piano. Sometimes she would be practicing a particularly troublesome phrase, more often --just playing. Laying there hovering just above sleep I would feel profoundly that the music was a kind of visceral fabric that bound my brothers and sister and father together throughout the otherwise quiet house in the rhythms, the melodies, the countermelodies and always, the sweeping glissandos.

My mom drags her finger up the keyboard, but then slows each of the last notes to one by one keys at the top of the scale and just before the next musical phrase starts there is the slightest of pauses, too brief to fit all of these words into, but long enough that your soul starts to yearn expectantly toward the resolution of the chord, the forward motion of the music, the next great possibility."

I can't wait to hug my Jaelyn and Addison and see them love their new cousin, Maya.

Ryan is coming too, but he can't leave until Thursday after work. We are going to my beautiful friend Al's wedding. (An early wedding rehearsal being the reason that Maya and I are tagging along with my parents on wednesday.) I can't wait to dance to the music of the jazz trio at the reception...

and to be with all of them again...

I miss my friends!