Thursday, August 17, 2006

how lucky are we?!?

We just get to have fun together all day.

Knowing that the end of summer--the best summer of my life-- is near has made it a rough week. For some reason, I feel like when school begins, all of this time with Maya will end.

It seems like a cruel trick. That I've created this safe and consistent, happy world for her that is only an illusion. That soon, I won't be there whenever she wakes up. And she doesn't even know it yet.

Really it will only be two days a week that she'll get to spend with her Grandmas who will spoil her and overwhelm her with love and attention.

And I love my job--it is meaningful, doesn't even feel like work most of the time. I have new textbooks for my elementary classes! Beautiful books, CD's, DVD's, computer programs, visuals...I've never had real music curriculum before! I care so deeply for 'my kids'. I have always loved seeing them every day, watching them learn and grow, finding new passions and abilities.

But my heart just isn't as available as it used to be. It is so unreservedly Maya's now.

The reality of going to work, and leaving just a few weeks is growing more tangible. And far more painful than when it was just an idea in the distant future. She still seems so little. Lately, my tears are so close to the surface. (So unlike me...actually not.)

Just two days a week....I'll still have five days with her.

It will be okay.
People do this every day.
She will be fine.
No one else could take better care of her or love her more than her Grandmas.

I am so lucky that I even have this beautiful daughter to feel so torn over.

She will be okay.


cheesy-spoosh said...

TJ and i were just talking about this the other day. . . how you would have to return to work shortly. Maya will be blessed to have grandmas be such a big part of her formative years, and not some whacky baby-sitter. I will be praying for you during this tough transition. :)


she will. you will.
resiliancy...creativity..two things you have in abundance, which I am certain are hereditary..

runraerun said...

I bet this will be hard, but you are right in saying that the Grandams will love her and take great care of her. But I understand the feeling of wanting to be there for every little moment. Maya is such a beautiful baby. I know you will cherish all your times with her.

Ang said...

Lindsey, Katie, & Rachel,

Thank you for your thoughts and kind words, friends.

I've settled down a bit...then freaked out some more...been reassured...fallen apart.

I think this cycle will continue for a while. But your sweet affirmation, understanding, encouragement, and prayer help to ease my fear.

I counted...I only have to work 8 days in the whole month of September. Not bad!

Go ahead. You can tell me I'm a pathetic whiner :)

Anonymous said...

You are not Pathetic anytime I leave Ellie I can't wait to see her again even if it is just for a few hours. I think time away is great for both of you. You love each other even more when you go to pick her up after your day. :)

patterns of ink said...

patterns of ink said...
Thank you for stopping by and telling me. That made me smile and prompted me to find these thoughts of yours.
As for feeling torn...Don't worry about the distribution of your heart..."your kids" [/students] will thrive on what's left over for them. The wonderful thing about the "availability" of a mother's gifts is that... eventually, your capacity expands to touch others while still embracing your strongest calling. There's no hurry. You're doing great!

elizabeth said...

ah! Maya is so beautiful.