Wednesday, January 03, 2007

i bought a calendar today

2007 has been looming for quite a while. A steadily growing list of important dates...meetings, doctor's appointments, rehearsals, performances has been floating around in my mind, scribbled on tiny scraps of paper. I was getting nervous.

So I got a refill for my planner.

I still haven't filled it all in yet, but at least I have a place to do it.

The new year seems both a fresh canvas of possibilities and a large obstacle to trudge through. Part of me is full of hope and excitement, thinking of all the ways I'm going to be better, accomplish more, live more fully.

And yet another part of me is exhausted already...'three days down,three hundred sixty-two to go.'

Actually...I guess I just feel the drudgery of making it until June.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the 'post Christmas school year.'
I wanted to be more have a complete plan for the rest of the school year for all my classes.

No, a complete plan for the rest of my life.

A much weightier list is floating around in my mind... The BIG things that occupy my near...and distant future. Whenever I start to think of New Year's Resolutions, I get excited...then nervous, and soon I am overwhelmed by the formidable obstacles and questions lurking within me and before me:

finishing....or even just starting my Master's Degree,

containing and organizing the constant clutter that threatens to fill our house...and drive me insane...

how long and how much will I continue to teach... next year, for the next seven years? fifteen years?

where and when will I ever work on being a better violinist?

transitioning Maya to drinking from a cup, from baby food to solid food, from rolling to crawling & walking, diapers to the toilet...

teaching her to love people, to love God, to be compassionate, independent, thoughtful, wise...

will we live in West Michigan forever? are we farmers....or gypsies?

But for the moment, I'm ready to rest. To be at peace. I think that's going to be part of my New Year's Resolution...
To find ways to be still. To rest in the assurance that my very existence is sustained by God's loving presence all around me and in me.

Once again, I've kept myself from sleep for too long. My healing, emotional outlet is actually becoming a destructive force-keeping me from going to bed.
So goodnight.


Anonymous said...

I found your blog through an old post - the one where you invoke Madeleine L'Engle and Elgar's cello concert to bring you peace --and knew you where my kind of person. May I offer you a word of heart felt encouragement as you face all that needs to be finished (or started or continued)? I'm a little farther down the road (OK, a lot farther)but I remember so vividly the time of having young children, demanding work, and unfinished dreams (there were times when I didn't touch the piano for weeks at a time and I would miss it). Hang tough, pray hard, laugh and sleep. If I was doing anything differently from that time, honestly, I would have slept more. You just get so tired. And then the color dims and the notes seem flat and even your amazing offspring don't seem quite so brilliant and mesmerizing. Sleep. And have a glorious 2007.

Anonymous said...

joan b's got it right. i love you! let's spend time together soon. i'll help you clean the clutter, we'll take the kids swimming at np, or maybe just share a nap. :)

Ang said...

joan & katie,

thank you.

empathy. affirmation. attention.

some of my very favorite things.

thanks for loving me:)