Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Sometimes, I wish....

...that I had been one of those really focused children. That I had spent hours practicing my violin. Not just playing it. But carefully, precisely....perfecting my technique. Making observations, judgments, and adjustments to my own playing. But I wasn't that child. I played my violin alot. I made a lot of music. And I progressed easily. But I really didn't practice.

So when I entered the 'world of music' (a college music department, professional music circles, and now grad school) I felt kind of, behind. And when I'm in circles of musicians, I'm always aware that I'm not quite intense enough. That I haven't spent the time..., that I'm not quite as proficient or knowledgeable....as I should be.

But with all those feelings of inadequacy (which are unhealthy, and revisited all to often on this blog...sorry, and are only sort-of based on truth) there's also this sense of smugness with which I sometimes comfort myself, a happy sense of satisfaction because I know... deep down.... I know.... that I could be...really good.

And I remind myself that instead...

I'm..."balanced". That I have a lot of interests, involvements, skills, relationships. That I've chosen this path of scattered investments. That my highest priorities right now are not music or academia, but people. A few very important people that need me.

(I couldn't help but post these old pictures. Just too sweet.)


And I'm unbelievably happy about this.

In fact, I feel really lucky. That I kind of get to 'have it all'. That I get to live this life of rich blessing...motherhood. And I get to share my whole life with my incredibly generous, self-sacrificing, funny, intelligent, handsome Ryan and our children.

AND.

I'm still a musician, and I'm still learning. And tomorrow I get to meet an amazing violinist who will actually listen to me play (cringe) and help me improve (hopeful smile). I'm scared to death about actually playing.

I listened to my Senior Recital CD yesterday. Often cringing at the rough spots, but mostly shocked that I could play that way not so long ago. Pieces I would struggle these days to read, let alone finger and play....I was playing with clarity...sometimes beauty and what even sounded like... ease.

And as I listened, I resolved to myself (and aloud to Ryan)...

This old recording will NOT be my best.

4 comments:

Liz Thomson said...

Wow, Angela. What a beautiful post.

I find that often, those of us who became teachers struggle with this concept - why didn't we dedicate every waking second to becoming the most amazing musician ever?

At least, I struggle with that.

But I remember why I teach, and how much I love my job. Even if I am not the best clarinetist anymore, I still get to share my passion with lots of students.

And being a Christian and a musician is interesting, too, isn't it? You have the love for such beauty, and such passion, and you have the love of the One, who placed us here.

Someday, I hope to have a family too, where I can be balanced.

I love you Angela. I admire you so much.

Thank you for being an inspiration to me.

MandieGirl said...

What great thoughts. It is a special person that can be so well rounded, but still have such passion for each 'interest'.


Congrats on your lessons. That is way cool. :)

Anne Marie said...

Great post Angela. Very cute pictures. Good luck with your lesson, I'm sure that it will go great. You are too hard on yourself!

Ang said...

Thank you sweet friends....for reading my crazy babbling about all my insecurities and hopes and for writing your words of affirmation and love.

You are really encouraging and kind.

My lesson was very fun. My teacher is kind, generous, and incredibly skilled both as a violinist and as a teacher.

And so far, I've practiced (rather fruitfully) every day this week!