May Day

Five years ago tonight...I was nesting furiously. I spent the entire day home alone with open windows, billowing curtains, fresh spring air... I scrubbed bathrooms, dusted and moved all the furniture in order to mop the hardwood floors in the entire house. Every dish and sheet and towel and piece of clothing was clean and put away. When Ryan came home and saw my crazy eyes...he was a little nervous. (He'd heard of this nesting thing and knew what it meant.)

When I was finally satisfied with my work (around midnight)...I took a long relaxing shower and snuggled into bed next to Ryan. My bags were packed and ready. I slept hard, knowing that if Maya came the next day...I'd be ready. And of course, the sweet girl woke me up in the middle of the night...ready to arrive, just in time. Her arrival seemed surreal and beyond all my expectations. My love for her, already so deep, suddenly felt like a beautiful and excruciating weight on my chest.

She is sleeping happily...wondering what the morning will bring. Pondering her new five-year-old identity. I can't wait to celebrate with her. She has so many fun and surprising ideas and thoughts. I love seeing the world differently now, hearing her perspective of how things are...and how they should be.

Now, I'm going to make some cookies for her pre-school class. I'll probably clean a lot tonight too..but I don't think I'll catch up to my old expectations this time around. That probably won't happen for a while in this house...


...and I keep telling myself that's okay. Because our days are filled with better things than perfect cleanliness and order.