God has to destroy our determined confidence in our own convictions. We say, "I know that this is what I should do"-and suddenly the voice of God speaks in a way that overwhelms us by revealing the depths of our ignorance. We show our ignorance of Him in the very way we decide to serve Him. We serve Jesus in a spirit that is not His, and hurt Him by our defense of Him. We push His claims in the spirit of the devil; our words sound all right, but the spirit is that of an enemy.

-Oswald Chambers

A good laugh for Friday....

click here

-thanks sally :)

overheard story...

Barnes and Noble Cafe:

.."Yes....Cheryl and her husband are split again. When she showed up at the family Christmas, he handed her the divorce papers."

(yes, this is a very sad story.)

"he's going back to Linda for the third time. She's twenty years older than he is."

"And Cheryl says that this Linda weights about 200 pounds more than SHE does!!"

(Interesting, how important it is to include those details.)

he couldn't protect me.

As hard as Ryan tried to keep me from getting his sickness, he couldn't prevent it. So here I sit, watching the ARTS channel, trying to figure out the plot to a Richard Strauss opera while I try not to throw up anymore. Thinking I was just being a whimp, I tried to teach yesterday. But by late morning I knew I needed to get to the bathroom to throw up, but I was afraid I'd pass out on the way. I made it to the office to get a sub instead. My sweet dad brought me home, so I wouldn't have to drive.

I forgot what it's like to be sick. Sometimes when I'm working, the thought of staying at home and sleeping all day sounds nice...but I failed to remember how miserable it can actually be when you are too weak to do anything, but yet can't sleep from all the nausea and aching.
I'm starting to feel a little better today...actually eating some toast. By the end of today, I think I'll be much better. I hope poor Maya isn't starving.

At least I got it during the week. I might still get a weekend, unlike my poor husband.

banished

I've spent the weekend separated from my husband. Friday night, he slept on the couch. Then, he tried to kick me out of the house at three in the morning on Saturday, but I convinced him to let me stay until morning. When I woke up, I quickly packed up my clothes and left for my parents' house, without even a kiss good-bye. I came home at the end of the day, but I wasn't allowed into our bedroom. It was hard to go to church this morning alone.

I miss him.

We're not having marital problems.

He's sick. Probably the stomach flu. He spent most of Friday night, not on the couch, but kneeling in front of the toilet...loudly expelling all the food... and everything else from his stomach. He was so concerned about me avoiding his illness, that he cleaned the bathroom with clorox each time he threw up. Before I could come home on Saturday, he used Clorox wipes on every surface in our house....the telephones, doorknobs, light switches, faucet handles, etc.

Usually when Ryan is sick, he can hardly function. Sick Ryan normally requires great amounts of sympathy and constant attention. But even though he is feeling terrible, he is being so sweet and protective of Maya and I. We're so lucky.

He's finally starting to feel better today. Though on Saturday, he swore off eating for the rest of his life, he has now consumed a fair amount of Sprite, some applesauce, instant mashed potatoes, and a few rice cakes.

not the only girl any more

For all of my 'growing-up' years, as a little girl, I dreamed of having a sister.

I did love the special attention and protection I got from my big brothers...there are advantages to being the only girl. But I always envied the relationship of sisters.

Then...

...I got one!

And now, I have four.

Having idolized my brothers for as long as I can remember, I never thought that they could ever find deserving wives. But as each one of them found amazing, beautiful, patient women, I hoped that they would soon become my sisters...and that my brothers wouldn't lose them or scare them away. Ten years ago...in highschool, I never would have guessed that two of my friends would one day mean so much more to me, that we would forever share our lives as sisters. That my friend Kelly really meant it when she hinted that her brother and I should be more than friends.

My sisters add so much to our family...balance, wisdom, perspective, grace, awareness of reality, humor. I am constantly amazed by their unique passions and abilities. Their patience, generosity, wisdom, beauty, discernment. I love having sisters to call when I have questions or just need someone to listen. Lynn, Marianne, Andrea, and Kelly are truly some of closest friends.

And today is my very first sister's birthday. Happy Birthday, Lynn! I am so grateful for you. I love the way that you love my brother and my neice and nephew. And I am especially grateful for the way that you have accepted and loved me too.
I love you!

Meet.......

Maya Grace

She weighs 12 ounces, has a beautiful pumping heart, and as you can see....a well developed brain.
Maya really likes to keep her arms and hands up in front of her face, so the ultrasound technician had to 'look through' the arm to get the lovely profile shot above...she also looked through the skull :)

To see more pictures, visit Maya's blog.

feeling sick

I would like to finish wrapping our Christmas presents, send Christmas cards, finish the laundry, make several dozen cookies for Ryan's friends at work, the staff at school, and my students...to celebrate their great performance and for their last class before Christmas. But instead, I'm laying in the couch...feeling miserable.

The pregnancy nausea is over, but my draining sinuses are reviving that sick stomach feeling. My lungs are already a bit cramped for space, and the lack of oxygen flow through my nose is making me more than a little dizzy...and the pressure in my head.... sore throat, aching ears...... the pain and pressure in my lower abdomen from my growing baby makes laying on the couch even more appealing....maybe even necessary.

I'll stop whining now. I only have to work one day this week....hm....snow day tomorrow??

Only three more days until our ultra sound....then brother Andy arrives, then Christmas!!! then another week off!!
life is good.

I'm done!

Last night was my students' final performance of the season. As I mentioned before, I had several.

In fact, just on Monday, a small ensemble of my High School Choir students sang some Christmas medleys and hymns at a dinner for brain injury survivors. It was a small, casual event in a church fellowship hall. Just before we sang, I took the students out a door into another room to warm up. No lights were on, but we could tell by the echo that it was a gym. Since we would just be a minute, I didn't mind the dark, but a couple of students persisted in trying to find the light switch for us. Finally someone found the switch. Only strangely, when he turned it on, the room was not filled with light. Instead, an incessant, loud, and urgent fire alarm sounded. Embarrassed, I re-entered the fellowship hall to seek assistance. I was relieved to find that the incredibly loud noise was not heard in the room of brain injury survivors....just the rest of the building. No one in the building knew what to do, and one of my students figured out how to turn the alarm off. So, we began our concert. My pianist was about to begin the intro to our first song when she called me over to the piano, "Mrs. Corbin, that wouldn't happen to be the fire department out in the parking lot, would it??" It was.

Last night, our concert was not so eventful. It *was* long (5th grade Band, Jr. High Band, High School Band, Middle School Choir, High School Choir, Beginner Strings, Intermediate Strings, Advanced Strings, Kindergarten, and Elementary Choir) Yes,...all in one concert. I was responsible for all but the bands. It was an amazingly complicated production....because of the number of fast stage changes and diverse sound equippment needs, and the sheer number of students involved. Since I was out in front of the stage conducting...with no control over about a hundred of my students waiting back stage, I just prayed that they would all show up on stage at the right time. They did. It was thrilling and exhausting. And just after the lights went out on stage and I was greeting my family and students' parents with smiles, I exclaimed into my (still on) microphone, "I'm Done!!"

With aching feet and a sore back, I crashed into bed as soon as I arrived home. And this morning, I received the most wonderful surprise phone call at 6:00 AM.
A snow day.
And so far, this is what I've done...

...finally, ten wonderful hours spent here...


















...and almost two hours spent here...



















...with this...




...and this.

Things I thought of blogging about but never did...(a month's worth of blogs)

...a really fun Thanksgiving with my family. I was going to post more pictures, but I like my brother's better anyways.

...one of my very favorite stories by my beloved Jane Austen was made once again into a beautiful film. Every year for Thanksgiving, the Rudds have begun a tradition of seeing a movie together at the theater (something we NEVER did growing up... In fact, the first movie we ever saw together as a family may have been one of the "Lord of the Rings" movies). This year, we saw Pride and Prejudice. The story was fresh in my mind since I just re-read it this summer. I loved it. I thought the characters, especially the Bennet family, were perfectly true to the book. However, my husband, who never really liked the idea of seeing a Jane Austen movie as our big family Movie, was not so impressed. Brother Andrew captures his sentiments quite well..."Ryan was the firm dissenter -- with a somewhat valid analysis that fully half of the movie had been shots of Mirrors and Long-Shots-of-Walking-Through-Fields. It was cinematic! I argued. Watch this! he countered, and slowly pretended to walk through a pretend field. Look at me! I'm cinematic! I'm artsy! I'm full of longing and despair and breadth of spirit!"

...Christmas tree lights and 'couch night.' Once the tree is up, we spend the first night of the new 'season' together on the couches (pushed together). We fall asleep admiring the glowing yellow light and we imagine all the strangers driving by commenting on how happy and warm our house looks. They must be filled with envy.


...December 1st. Four years ago, Ryan talked me (and Mandy) into leaving our school work and my RA responsibilities at Cedarville and driving home with him for the weekend. We had a perfect date that ended in a life changing question. On the boardwalk in Grand Haven, we shivered, and Ryan got down on his knee and asked me to be his wife. I knew then, that I would love being married to him. But I couldn't have known then, how deeply I would love him. This December 1st, we sat in a blue doctor's office and listened to our baby's heart beating.

...my afternoon Strings concert at the Art Museum. This week, I brought all forty of my strings students to the Muskegon Museum of Art to perform a special Christmas Concert for the annual "Festival of Trees."
After a terrible rehearsal on Wednesday, I was not looking forward to our public performance on Thursday. I was missing half of my advanced class for our final rehearsal, and because of Thanksgiving, we hadn't had class since the middle of November!
But despite my doubt and fear, on the stage, they were amazing. They performed with more maturity and musicianship than ever before. I've never heard them produce such a full, and truly beautiful sound. I was more than a little proud. Watching them grow and become more independent and skilled is so rewarding. This season filled with performances (7 during December, 16 if you count each performing group seperately) fills me with anxiety and stress, causes me to lose nights of sleep, but mostly, it reminds me of why I love teaching music. At the end of each concert, I am so proud and thankful for my kids...

....like last night. Five of my oldest string players provided dinner entertainment at our School Staff Christmas Party. Knowing they would need to be independent of me at the dinner, I told them they were on their own for practices too. More than a few dinner guests mistook them for professional, hired musicians. As I ate my whitefish, I listened intently, and smiled again with pride.

...our new 'family vehicle.' Ryan is violently opposed to becoming a minivan owner, but we needed a more dependable car and with a baby coming, we decided on a station wagon. I've been feeling really spoiled in the warm heated, leather seats of our Passat wagon.

...today, I am enjoying a peaceful Saturday, watching the snow fall. Ryan is enjoying drugged slumber, lightly snoring on the couch. Benedryl sends him immediately to sleep...the only place where he can find respite from his itching skin. Marianne diagnosed him with hives last night...an allergic reaction to the Amoxicillin he has been taking for a sinus infection. He looks truly pathetic. His eyes are swollen and his face is covered with a bumpy red rash. In fact there are painful looking red bumps all over his body. I'm miserable just watching his pain. My poor baby.

anticipation and contentment

Life is a string of anticipation and longing. Hope and impatience are far too intertwined.
Even the happiest and most fulfilling moments of my life seem to be filled with some kind of anticipation for something else. Something that is next. The distraction of the future always seems to blur the present.
The breathtaking beauty of each season fills me with a great sense of responsibility to somehow soak it in. To capture it. To truly appreciate the fleeting perfection of what is all around me. The older I get, the more I try to hold on to the images, smells, feelings of beauty. But part of me is always longing for the next thing...

...Winter... warm houses that smell like candles, Christmas lights, family, snow transforming trees into icy lace, nostalgic music, black and white classic movies, presents, candle light concerts and church traditions...

Winter is next. And I am already imagining my red dining room lit with the glow of a Christmas tree, Ryan's train set circling around the base of the tree, stockings hanging from the banister covered with garland and berries, and all the windows filled with candles. But today is a perfect November day. The sky is just a little hazy, but still yellow and warm from the sun. Most of the trees are bare, but leaves seem to be everywhere, floating around like falling snow...only in rich, earthy colors.

Even more than my fascination with the changing seasons...is my longing for the next part of life. Already, so much of me belongs to my child. I know that I still don't even begin to comprehend how much I will love this baby. But I'm beginning to know. And the agony of not being able to see or hold this life that has taken over my body is excruciating and wonderful. I want to at least call her by name...or him. To talk to him and begin to imagine a son or a daughter.

Yet I know that my peaceful days and nights with Ryan will soon change forever. And that frightens me. I love the ease of our relationship, the spontanious ways we spend our time together.
And as much as I fantasize about being at home during the day next fall...giving up many of my work responsibilities and stresses, I love teaching every day. I love hearing smiling six year olds shout "Mrs. Corbin!!" and overwhelm me with hundreds of daily hugs. My students have become "my kids." Like a parent, I worry about my middle and high schoolers and all the decisions they will make about themselves and their futures and their friends. I see them every day, and I love sharing my life with them. I haven't made any solid decisions about what I will keep and what I will give up, but I know that whatever pieces are cut will be deeply missed. Though it probably won't compare with my new role, I will miss what I do now.

So I try to soak it in. Even the drudgery and the exhausting long days. I know that what is next is different and wonderful and beyond my understanding. There are very few moments when my thoughts are not consumed with the future...and my anticipation. But I don't want to miss the beauty of right now either.

Fall

ten hours of sleep...

...and I had crazy dreams.

I love gaining an hour when we "fall" back.

By the way...

...if you'd like to hear our baby's heartbeat, you can listen to Ryan's cell phone recording from the doctor's office today.

We were pretty impressed with our child's amazing health and talent. I think you will be too.

go listen

after a long eleven hour day of work...

...we spent a few hours here on Tuesday night.

I recorded some violin accompaniment for a local folk artist's new CD.
It was a very satisfying musical experience. Not super challenging, but fun.

The producer, Michael Crittenden was so helpful and knowledgeable. I don't usually have a lot of direction or creative input from others when I'm improvising. But it was really helpful to have the guidance of an amazing musician and producer.

More Baby Stuff...

If you are interested in reading every detail of our baby's existence thus far...and all the random thoughts of a new expecting mother...
click here

If not, just ignore that link.

Two months ago, the night before school started, Ryan and I stared at the image above in disbelief.

Shaking....with excitement, terror, indescribable happiness.

Yes, this is an announcement.

And here is a picture of our baby at only six and a half weeks...



As we watched the ultrasound monitor in amazement, we also listened to our baby's heartbeat. I have never heard music as beautiful as that sound.

That was more than a month ago. Now, our baby, an impressive two and a half inches long, has all of his or her organs, fingers, and toes. Even the eye color has been determined. Though, I can't feel it yet, he or she now moves around, swimming in the amniotic fluid.

In about six months, (sometime around May 9th) we will get to meet our baby.

Tomorrow, I'll be twelve weeks pregnant, and I will tell my students my secret. It has been the hardest secret I've ever kept in my life. I can't wait to let it out. (If you read this before Tuesday morning the 25th, try not to spoil my news at school.)


We cherish our alone time together. It's going to be an adjustment that we could never be fully prepared for. But I can't wait to do this together. To be parents.

My amazing friend Mandy works in a Children's ICU.

I've always told her that I could never do her job. The weight of all the sadness there would be too much for me. Children who are sick...sometimes dying. It seems so unnatural and wrong.

My job may require patience (occasionally there are *some* rough days), but I don't ever have to watch grieving parents watch their child suffer.

Schools are full of life...and hope. Mostly healthy kids, learning, playing, growing.

This morning at one of the elementary schools where I teach, I was surprised and concerned to see tears in the office. The matter-of-fact, cheerful, efficient secretary didn't greet me as usual. I thought maybe she had just received news about a family member or close friend. This afternoon, when I returned to the school, I understood.

The classroom teacher quickly tried to warn me that something really sad had happened....the kids might say something. We'd talk after class. But as I started to welcome the kids, several kindergarteners raised their hand.

"Mrs. Corbin, Alexis isn't here because she died."

It was true. My beautiful little kindergartener, died last night after complications from a heart operation.

We sang together. Silly songs about "Old King Cole" and "BINGO." They laughed and sang and played, but it was hard. Maybe not for them. They can't and probably shouldn't feel the weight of this. Not yet.

I think that must be the most awful pain that a parent could ever feel.

I still feel sick.

Ryan is a masterful dancer. You should have seen him tonight. Every woman there was filled with envy as we danced the rumba and the foxtrot.

We're thinking about crashing a wedding reception soon...just to show off our moves.

Feminist for Life

Just found a feminist website that I love. I think you will too.