Tuesday, June 26, 2007

where to begin..

...when it's been so long. I've often sat at the computer, opened a new post, and left it blank. I keep meaning to post. There have been lots of things to blog about.
But the longer I wait, the more daunting my task becomes.

This shouldn't be so much of a chore.

I like to think of it as a hobby. But you're not supposed to feel guilt for neglecting hobbies. Right?

So maybe my brothers are right. I just might not actually like blogging right now. I like looking back at posts I've written. I like reading friends' blogs. I even like thinking about future posts I intend to write. But somehow, I just don't do it.

So, as if you didn't already realize this (I'm writing this for myself. I'm aware that you are perceptive enough to understand this already. You know me well enough that you probably don't check here every day, disappointed that I STILL haven't posted anything new.) I have no expectations for this blog right now. No quotas, no guilt, no pressure.
In fact, I probably won't post much.
But I might.

And since I've already done this much work....

...I might as well just go ahead and ramble a bit...

I took a step this summer that makes me feel hopeful about my recurring BLAH feelings...my disappointment, regret, insecurity...
I became a student again.
There is something about being a student that makes me realize that my inadequacies are not unique and not permanent. I am still learning, growing. I am not yet ready to stagnate, to wallow in self pity and allow the daily grind to steal my hope.
I spent a week on the stately campus of MSU, walking under old trees, reading and writing music on benches in quiet botanical gardens, singing and acting ridiculous with other music teachers, studying the way that children learn, discussing musical development and creativity, having rich conversations with new friends...and learning from people that inspire me.

And again, I felt deeply happy that this is my job.

This week, another (and I think better) kind of happiness is mine... hours and hours of uninterrupted time with my Maya. While Ryan attends 'Fundraising School' at Indiana University, we've been filling our days with wandering about the streets and canals of Indianapolis, resting and playing in our air conditioned hotel room, and napping...

...oh, and searching online for places to live.
We're 99% sure we've sold our house!


cheesy-spoosh said...

Congrats on selling your house! Wow, exciting, but scary. Hopefully you are finding some houses that you are falling in love with. We miss you guys, but glad to hear all is well.

Don't you love the way a college campus makes you feel. There really is nothing else like it.

Kelly said...

You are soooo close to me it's not even funny!!! I wish we could see each other!!! If you are still going to be around for awhile...and you have extra time on your hands, let me know on my blog!

Congrats on the two pieces of good news!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on selling your home and I hope you find the silver lining in each cloud, the rainbow after every rainstorm and the starlight on the darkest nights.

Glad you had fun on campus, lately whenever I'm on campus I just feel old. lol. You have a lot of excitement going on as of late...

Traveling, the prospect or packing, moving and unpacking and of course the everyday new adventures of Maya. They grow up so fast, enjoy their antics while their young and photograph them for later. (You may need it for leverage when you're 90 hehe)

You should let go any feelings of regret, disappointment or insecurity and here's why:

You can't live with regret. We all regret this or that or think that we regret these things but if you understand the butterfly effect or even the wind from a bee's flight you can learn to live without regret.

When you look at Maya, your husband, your home and your friends you must understand that where you are now is a direct result of you and your choices. If you made a different choice at some point, even a minor one, the effects could ripple throughout your life and could have changed things that prevented you from being where you are now. I should add that where you are now is happy and empowered. The whole world awaits you and the opportunity to sieze it is now.

Instead of regret you need to think proactively. That is... Lets say you regret never learning Italian... Plan for the future and start small. E.G you could order a home course on italian, take a course at the local community college and eventually just visit italy. (I'm not sure your truly want to learn italian... but you get the gist I'm sure.) It is hard to live without regret without replacing that part of your life with something else and it should be something positive. Action and proaction, reflection of the past and learning from the past is great but dwelling on it or regretting it is not only useless but harmful.

Disappointed you must just let go of and instead be appreciative of what you have. If your disappointed with something then make plans to change it and then change it. ;)

Insecurity... we all have insecurities but their nothing that can't be fixed. What you need to let go of is irrational insecurities. If your insecure that someone else will percieve you in a negative fashion then this is an irrational insecurity. You can not effect how anyone will percieve you. (To some degree you actually can but you should never focus or strive for that or you become something of a pawn to their person you are trying to impress) You must only concern yourself with things you can change and things that matter. Don't get hung up on the politics of every day life. You are a beutiful woman with a fantastic family. You have your whole life ahead of you. Its time to let go of the old ways and the indoctrinated mindset and live life in the way you percieve to be best and let go of any irrational behavior.

The next time you have a glass of wine, toast to the new life and repeat your own personal mantra of empowerment. YOU have to do it. You can pray until the cows come home but until you actually decide and take the neccesary steps to empower yourself nothing will happen. (Although it doesn't hurt to ask for help so long as it is in concert with your own efforts)

I have faith... in you. You are a wonderful soul.