I'm feeling precarious.
My life is so carefree and easy and full of joy right now. My immediate family, though flawed and strange-with strained relationships at times, is full of love, warmth, and honesty. I have a loving, strong, funny, intelligent, dashing husband who loves me and respects me and lavishly shows his affection for me. I find great fulfillment in my job, teaching music, helping students love music, and love their creator who gave us music. And right now, I am enjoying a VERY light work load...enjoying simple pleasures of life-reading, soaking in the sun, friends, contemplation, yard-work, rest, running....
I know that life is full of joy and pain, relief, rest, fear, sorrow. it's complicated. we are becoming who we are because of the complicated, messiness of life. But i feel like i've gotten to enjoy the easy part for so long. that maybe i have grown flippant, apathetic, too self-assured, too unaware. that maybe it won't last forever. it can't. what may be coming? this feels too easy.
...on father's day, we found out that my grandpa andy, my only living grandpa, who is closer to ninety than eighty, was feeling chest pains due to blockage in his heart. About two decades ago, he had a heart attack, open heart surgery, and a prognosis of only a few more years of life. But, i've been blessed enough to grow up with him...healthy, active, and full of life. He's had multiple complications and operations over the years, but he's always been fine. tomorrow he will have a heart cath, a new stint installed, and angioplast? i don't understand all the medical procedures, and the risks involved, but i know that his veins are thin, and he's not in his seventies anymore.
i shouldn't be fearful, but i do feel precarious. i want to be grounded...to understand the lessons that i am supposed to learn from the darker, difficult side of life, but i don't want to have to go through loss to learn it.
whenever i recognize that i am worrying, i think of matt. 6 "do not worry..." and i try to twist it into some sort of quick comfort that "it's all going to be okay. don't waste time worrying...just focus on the positive"
but i don't think that these words of Christ were meant to keep me from considering the possibility of loss. i think Christ's message there was more about worrying about temporal things, seeking to gain wealth and things...clothes, food, "for the pagans run after all these things" (v. 33) "but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness"...take care of others needs, live as part of his kingdom...reflecting and generously pouring out his love wherever you go. i think that's what its really about.
do i have to suffer loss to really learn that? please. no.