Thursday, October 26, 2006

Empty

That seems to be the state of my intellect lately.

Though becoming a mother has overwhelmed me with unimaginable love, the purest happiness, new depth...

...the practicality and repetition of daily life seem to be shutting down my ability to think or care about much else.

Do you ever just have really dry spells?
Creatively, spiritually, mentally...

It's almost as if the euphoria of my time spent with Maya and my immeasurable joy in being her Mother has drained me of all other ability to care.

Or maybe I care too much...about all the real and imagined problems of the people around me that I love. Either way, the weight of my emptiness is tangible.

I'm so disappointed with myself. I have everything. Most of the time, I feel intoxicated with gratitude and happiness. My heart has never been so full of love as it is now for Maya and Ryan. Still, sometimes I feel like I'm disconnected somehow...from my former self...from God.
Until a few days ago, I haven't even been honest enough with myself to notice this.

It's quite self-absorbed, I know. It's whining, self-pity, ingratitude, prayerlessness....

Still.

Does everyone experience moments of sheer disappointment? With no apparent cause?



*******************************************************************************

Now there's a really enticing "welcome back to my blog!' first post in a month."

Probably far too personal. I do apologize....but you must consider:
1) my level of exhaustion at 11:30 PM,
2) the intense ability/habitual tendency that I have to *feel* everything, and
3) my inability to filter my expression of my feelings.

I am completely transparent (and hopelessly dramatic)...definite flaws. I'll certainly live to regret them.


I promise, when my inspiration returns, I'll think of something really great to make up for such a depressing post.

For now, here's the best way I know how to make it up to you...

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

THis is definitely a stage and season in your life. You do need to force feed yourself on scripture and inspiring books--just a little at a time. Don't worry you will be back --in force--I love you
me

PastorJohn said...

Ang,

Sometimes emptyness is the beginning of new spiritual growth. We should not fear emptyness. We can be so full of good activities that there is no room for us to be filled with the spirit. And having a baby is a boundry experience, that pushes one to the limits, that reveals both our great potential and our limits. Fortunately, our God especially inhabits the boundaries of our lives. We often meet God there. And make sure you are not suffering from post-partum depression. None of us are immuned from the ordinary experiences of the human family (This is the sermon part!)A call to your doctor would be in order. Just make sure as a precaution that you don't let it get a grip on you. And for the long term, keeping yourself intellectually and emotional alive is not selfish. It is the best thing you can do for others in your life.
Pastor John

Charity said...

Unfortunately, I think some of those feelings are contagious. I also hate to admit it. We should get together. I'm just a few houses away:)

cheesy-spoosh said...

The feeling of disconnect. . . i understand. I am there too and have been and i can't seem to "snap" out of it.

That adorable picture did bring a big smile to my face.

ANTI-ONION SOCIETY said...

You reach for a thought, a scrap of wit, and find instead a vast gray sheet of marble in your mind.
You want to write, but..
It's not that you don't have anything to say or feel, but that there's too much, and the narrowing of it into one articulate moment seems too much work for the time being.
Am I even close to relating? If so, I think I understand a little bit. If not, chalk it up to more silly ramblings of a Cousin who loves you immensely. ;)