But I am utterly incapable of doing anything...except to pray. I know I should realize that more often. But this evening this truth is very real to me. And even more to my friends.
Please pray with us....
We have enjoyed forming a really deep friendship this year with Rick and Cindy Kamp and their daughter Lauren (2). In early August, Rick was diagnosed cancer. They arrived again at Mayo this week to begin the Mayo 'Protocol' for his type of cancer....a process that involves cancer treatment followed by a Liver transplant. This treatment plan is usually very effective...and his prognosis is quite good if all goes well. It has been an incredibly difficult summer for them, but they have been grateful to have good treatment and a solid plan from the doctors at Maya. Their faith is humbling.
But today, a CT scan showed bumps in Rick's peritoneal cavity that the radiologist interpreted as metastisis. This disease is rapidly terminal if there are metastisis in PSC patients and Rick would be excluded from his 'eligibility' for the 'protocol' (treatment and Liver transplant) that has been planned.
They should find out tomorrow afternoon if these bumps are cancer or if the CT scan results were wrong.
Please pray.
Rick's carepage
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Empty
That seems to be the state of my intellect lately.
Though becoming a mother has overwhelmed me with unimaginable love, the purest happiness, new depth...
...the practicality and repetition of daily life seem to be shutting down my ability to think or care about much else.
Do you ever just have really dry spells?
Creatively, spiritually, mentally...
It's almost as if the euphoria of my time spent with Maya and my immeasurable joy in being her Mother has drained me of all other ability to care.
Or maybe I care too much...about all the real and imagined problems of the people around me that I love. Either way, the weight of my emptiness is tangible.
I'm so disappointed with myself. I have everything. Most of the time, I feel intoxicated with gratitude and happiness. My heart has never been so full of love as it is now for Maya and Ryan. Still, sometimes I feel like I'm disconnected somehow...from my former self...from God.
Until a few days ago, I haven't even been honest enough with myself to notice this.
It's quite self-absorbed, I know. It's whining, self-pity, ingratitude, prayerlessness....
Still.
Does everyone experience moments of sheer disappointment? With no apparent cause?
*******************************************************************************
Now there's a really enticing "welcome back to my blog!' first post in a month."
Probably far too personal. I do apologize....but you must consider:
1) my level of exhaustion at 11:30 PM,
2) the intense ability/habitual tendency that I have to *feel* everything, and
3) my inability to filter my expression of my feelings.
I am completely transparent (and hopelessly dramatic)...definite flaws. I'll certainly live to regret them.
I promise, when my inspiration returns, I'll think of something really great to make up for such a depressing post.
For now, here's the best way I know how to make it up to you...
Though becoming a mother has overwhelmed me with unimaginable love, the purest happiness, new depth...
...the practicality and repetition of daily life seem to be shutting down my ability to think or care about much else.
Do you ever just have really dry spells?
Creatively, spiritually, mentally...
It's almost as if the euphoria of my time spent with Maya and my immeasurable joy in being her Mother has drained me of all other ability to care.
Or maybe I care too much...about all the real and imagined problems of the people around me that I love. Either way, the weight of my emptiness is tangible.
I'm so disappointed with myself. I have everything. Most of the time, I feel intoxicated with gratitude and happiness. My heart has never been so full of love as it is now for Maya and Ryan. Still, sometimes I feel like I'm disconnected somehow...from my former self...from God.
Until a few days ago, I haven't even been honest enough with myself to notice this.
It's quite self-absorbed, I know. It's whining, self-pity, ingratitude, prayerlessness....
Still.
Does everyone experience moments of sheer disappointment? With no apparent cause?
*******************************************************************************
Now there's a really enticing "welcome back to my blog!' first post in a month."
Probably far too personal. I do apologize....but you must consider:
1) my level of exhaustion at 11:30 PM,
2) the intense ability/habitual tendency that I have to *feel* everything, and
3) my inability to filter my expression of my feelings.
I am completely transparent (and hopelessly dramatic)...definite flaws. I'll certainly live to regret them.
I promise, when my inspiration returns, I'll think of something really great to make up for such a depressing post.
For now, here's the best way I know how to make it up to you...
Thursday, August 10, 2006
alone.
Maya got to spend an hour with her Uncle David today. From what I hear, they had a really fun time.
I didn't.
I had to attend a funeral...alone. My parents' neighbor died this week after several difficult months of cancer attacking one organ after another. My parents are at the cabin right now. So because I grew up next door, wandered often through their extensive gardens, and played occasionally with his grandchildren, I was sent as the representative of my family. As I approached the church, I wondered what I would say... or if I needed to say anything...
The line to sign the guest book trailed out the doors. There were hundreds of people filling the pews--probably more than on most Sundays. I felt out of place, awkward without my daughter, without Ryan...or anyone. It wasn't a terrible feeling, just strange and uncomfortable. The only familiar face was the Marie, the widow.
And suddenly I realized how completely alone *she* was. How uncomfortable and awkward her new role must be.
Her fragile smile looked tired as she greeted her friends and family members. Always a hostess. They used to throw dinner parties together on their patio and in the gazebo, surrounded by carefully tended flowers, winding brick paths, a small waterfall cascading into a tiny pond filled with goldfish. They were best friends.
After the benediction, I got to go home...to hold Maya and meet my best friend for lunch. He promised me that he'd never die.
I didn't.
I had to attend a funeral...alone. My parents' neighbor died this week after several difficult months of cancer attacking one organ after another. My parents are at the cabin right now. So because I grew up next door, wandered often through their extensive gardens, and played occasionally with his grandchildren, I was sent as the representative of my family. As I approached the church, I wondered what I would say... or if I needed to say anything...
The line to sign the guest book trailed out the doors. There were hundreds of people filling the pews--probably more than on most Sundays. I felt out of place, awkward without my daughter, without Ryan...or anyone. It wasn't a terrible feeling, just strange and uncomfortable. The only familiar face was the Marie, the widow.
And suddenly I realized how completely alone *she* was. How uncomfortable and awkward her new role must be.
Her fragile smile looked tired as she greeted her friends and family members. Always a hostess. They used to throw dinner parties together on their patio and in the gazebo, surrounded by carefully tended flowers, winding brick paths, a small waterfall cascading into a tiny pond filled with goldfish. They were best friends.
After the benediction, I got to go home...to hold Maya and meet my best friend for lunch. He promised me that he'd never die.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
on my mind tonight...
...the validity of asking questions without finding answers. the exhaustion that comes from questioning everything.
...church. how i usually determine my own personal 'satisfaction' with church by considering how my intellectual, emotional, entertainment needs are met. how i really long to please Christ...to be a loving bride. to honor his sacrifice by learning to love and submit as He did. to build and strengthen Christ's body by living a life of love, forgiveness, and grace instead of cynicism and pride.
...sadness that my brother Daniel won't be my pastor for very much longer. I've loved it.
...the obnoxious amount of screaming that goes on at concerts...especially 'Christian concerts'...where the lines are not always clear about whether we are screaming about Jesus or Toby Mac.
...dreading the close of summer, and the freedom i enjoy these days.
...loving my students and being energized by the time i spent with them today. kindergarteners are really fun. so are high-schoolers. my job is perfect.
...Ryan...is so almost done with school. I can't wait to feel that burden lifted for him.
...how much i really like the movie, "Love Actually."
...cherishing the amazing neighbors we find ourselves living next to...
...the sadness of realizing that relationships are different from what they used to be. that things I've shared with people...are no longer something we have in common...that i've changed (in good ways and bad). that i've hurt people. that i've been a bad friend who sometimes uses people. that i act out of selfish motives...often.
...gratitude...to have so many wise, loving people in my life to learn from and talk (write) to about ideas, about faith, about truth.
...church. how i usually determine my own personal 'satisfaction' with church by considering how my intellectual, emotional, entertainment needs are met. how i really long to please Christ...to be a loving bride. to honor his sacrifice by learning to love and submit as He did. to build and strengthen Christ's body by living a life of love, forgiveness, and grace instead of cynicism and pride. ...sadness that my brother Daniel won't be my pastor for very much longer. I've loved it.
...the obnoxious amount of screaming that goes on at concerts...especially 'Christian concerts'...where the lines are not always clear about whether we are screaming about Jesus or Toby Mac.
...dreading the close of summer, and the freedom i enjoy these days.
...loving my students and being energized by the time i spent with them today. kindergarteners are really fun. so are high-schoolers. my job is perfect.
...Ryan...is so almost done with school. I can't wait to feel that burden lifted for him.
...how much i really like the movie, "Love Actually."
...cherishing the amazing neighbors we find ourselves living next to...
...the sadness of realizing that relationships are different from what they used to be. that things I've shared with people...are no longer something we have in common...that i've changed (in good ways and bad). that i've hurt people. that i've been a bad friend who sometimes uses people. that i act out of selfish motives...often.
...gratitude...to have so many wise, loving people in my life to learn from and talk (write) to about ideas, about faith, about truth.
Friday, June 17, 2005
too far away
i miss these two rudds very much today.
They're both much bigger and older and even better conversationalists than they were when this picture was taken.
less than a month ago, they slept in my house, jumped on emma & liam's trampoline, raced to a soccer game with me, helped make blueberry waffles, gave great hugs, and planted little army men all over my house for us to find long after they returned home to ohio--all in a very short and rushed weekend.
come back soon, and stay longer!
They're both much bigger and older and even better conversationalists than they were when this picture was taken.
less than a month ago, they slept in my house, jumped on emma & liam's trampoline, raced to a soccer game with me, helped make blueberry waffles, gave great hugs, and planted little army men all over my house for us to find long after they returned home to ohio--all in a very short and rushed weekend.
come back soon, and stay longer!
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