A post from the past that seems fitting today...

"So many pieces of who I am and what I value have been acquired through years of watching and listening to my big brothers. They have, in ways that I'm sure I don't even recognize, shaped me...my understanding of family, of love, of friendship, trust, parenthood, faith. In unique ways, they each continue to challenge and sharpen my understanding of who I am, how I perceive and think about the world, and how I know and love my Creator.
Different seasons of my life have particular memories of times spent with each one of them..."

(And since today is his birthday...I pick brother David to celebrate.)


Some of the only times in my life that I've felt physically strong, athletic, fast, were the hours I spent practicing basketball in our driveway, learning to dribble and shoot with David, or attempting to copy his jump-rope routine to become a higher jumper. Along with my dad, it was David that taught me to kick a soccer ball, shoot a basketball, serve a volleyball, bump, set....and well, (I watched him) 'spike'.

He made college seem magical when I visited him for 'Little Sibs' weekend. I have a truly terrible memory (I'm realizing this more and more), but strangely, I have remarkably solid memories of those weekends with David, just going to his classes and drawing in my sketch book, 'hanging out' with his friends, playing in a sibling 'game show' with him on campus (we didn't win, and I still remember the 2 questions we got wrong), having my presence announced in his dorm by loud shouts of "Woman in the hall!!"...I was probably about 10.

I fondly remember sitting in his classroom as a high-schooler, feeling proud, happy, and actually challenged to think (too often a rarity in high school). My friends loved and respected him so much, and I loved knowing that. He shaped a lot of my friends' lives too.

And in more recent years...I smile when I think about running back and forth between our houses to borrow a vaccuum, an egg, a spare key, a lawn mower, dinner, to share cookies, to use a shower, to return a run-away dog, to ask a question. He always seems to be close when I'm locked out of my house, my car won't start, I'm stuck in the snow, or I've run out of gas. David has rescued me a lot. He does that well. Only, it was way easier when we were neighbors. I do miss Forest Hills.

And now, I get to watch the way that he loves my daughters and they love him. His eyes shine when he bends down to hug them. Sometimes they run for their hug, but sometimes they giggle and run away. He is the self-proclaimed "Yes Uncle." He explained it to me once, "if they ask me for something they want, I say yes." I laughed and rolled my eyes a little, I think. It isn't really true, I hope.

And once again, I get to sit in his 'classroom' sometimes. Lately, he's been preaching about love from I Corinthians. And I feel like I hear him just a little differently than most of the people who hear his teaching, because I'm lucky enough to know how he has always shown me love in his own quiet and steady, always dependable, never selfish, frequently rescuing, and even tender-when-necessary way.

Happy Birthday David. I love you.


I posted a similar blog post back in 2008. I've used several quotes from the original, but added and deleted some as well.

suppressed excitement

Today I stood at my classroom door giving hugs and wishes for a great summer. I turned in my grades and organized my cart. I still have some work to do in the building before I am officially done for the summer, but today was my last day with students.

I am very aware of my 'in-between-ness' tonight. Almost...done with school for the year, almost on summer "break", almost ready to start my last summer of grad school.

I have big dreams for summer days at the pool, the beach, the library, gardening, reading, sewing, walks, ice cream, play dates, the zoo, the Fredrick Meijer Gardens, a whole week spent at the cabin. But the reality may not be as 'dreamy' as my aspirations (though I am determined to cram ALL of those things into our days somehow). In one week, I will begin the commute to MSU. First, for a 2-week workshop that meets all day every day. It will be wildly fun, incredibly challenging, inspiring...and exhausting. And as soon as that class ends, the next 6-week session begins: Research. Only one class this summer...and I think...I like research. I certainly like the fact that this will be my very last class for this degree. But my excitement to be done (soon!!) is quite restrained. There is much to do before I sigh with relief or celebrate.

This weekend however, will be filled with busy fun. A mass of graduation open houses, a wedding, a graduation, and somehow in the midst of the busy-ness...I am mostly excited about family time. Kelly, Sean, and Chloe arrived tonight from Massachusetts! And on Saturday, Andrew, Lynn, Jaelyn, and Addison are coming from Ohio for a quick visit too. ALL my siblings and nieces and nephews in the same town. Too good for words. I'm trying to suppress my expectations about how much time I will get to spend enjoying their company...but I'm really hoping for a quite a lot.

An emailed response from my last post.

It wouldn't fit in the comment box...




...but it deserved to be posted.

Sometimes when it's too quiet upstairs...

...and the girls are playing together, I get a little nervous.

This afternoon when I went up to check, it was completely silent. I didn't see them either. "What are you doing, girls?" I asked.

From behind Sophie's door I heard Maya say sweetly, "We're reading." And they were. Just sitting in the corner by the bookshelf looking at books together. This has been happening more and more lately, but it still feels a little magical every time.

The Three Brothers

A fitting title for my currently Children's Literature-filled life. "The Three...." always seems to work as a title (You know, Goldilocks and The Three Bears, The Three Little pigs, etc....). I probably do say "Once upon a time...." at least five times a day.

So...

"Once upon a time, there was a little girl with three big brothers.....


....There were very few places that she felt happier, safer, or more loved than when she was surrounded by these three big brothers.

The end."
....................................................

I think that first picture clearly shows that my four-year-old-self is thinking..."Wow. I'm really lucky. Just look, I have three big brothers holding me."

So many pieces of who I am and what I value have been acquired through years of watching and listening to them. They have, in ways that I'm sure I don't even recognize, shaped me...my understanding of family, of love, of friendship, trust, parenthood, faith. In unique ways, they each continue to challenge and sharpen my understanding of who I am, how I perceive and think about the world, and how I know and love my Creator.

Different seasons of my life have particular memories of times spent with each one of them.
Even though Andy moved out of our house when I was in second grade, I always felt that we had a lot in common. I think he must have been a pretty generous high-schooler to make me think that we had so many 'shared interests'. He came home from college and took me on dates. He asked about my friends and listened, he challenged me to dream and to think beyond my small, comfortable world. And he still does. He is one of those people that, though he is intimidatingly brilliant, accomplished, creative...his presence and his conversation never make you feel less valid or articulate. Somehow his loving way of listening and affirming makes you feel smarter and better, energized and inspired. I really miss you, Andy. The long stretches between summer visits and winter holidays are too long.

Some of the only times in my life that I've felt physically strong, athletic, fast, were the hours I spent practicing basketball in our driveway, learning to dribble and shoot with David, or attempting to copy his jump-rope routine to become a higher jumper. I fondly remember sitting in his classroom as a high-schooler, feeling proud, happy, and actually challenged to think (too often a rarity in high school); and in more recent years...I smile when I think about running back and forth between our houses to borrow a vaccuum, an egg, a spare key, a lawn mower, dinner, to share cookies, to use a shower, to return a run-away dog, to ask a question. He always seems to be close when I'm locked out of my house, my car won't start, or I've run out of gas. David has rescued me a lot. Only, it was way easier when we were neighbors. I do miss Forest Hills.







Daniel and I were siblings together (at home) the longest. Since he could drive and I couldn't, we spent a lot of time in the car together. Back and forth to church, school, home. We talked a lot, and listened to a lot of music. Once on our way to church, we witnessed an accident together. An awful, nauseating, unforgettable car-hitting-a-little-girl-with-her-bike accident. She was okay. But we weren't for a while.

When we were littler, we spent hours together at the cabin. Mostly because I wouldn't stop following him around as he built forts in the woods. I was 'in his army.'
I guess, maybe I still am. Probably not. He's threatened to fire me about a thousand times. Being in his army was really cool because.... I got to hold nails for him, and go get water for him, and hand him tools, and listen to him talk about how great his next idea was going to be...
No, really.... it WAS really cool. Because I got to be with him. And I always got to be part of his 'next great idea.'

One Christmas break, when I was in college, I stayed with him on the way home from school. We decided to go play our instruments in the mall to earn some cash. It turned out to be illegal. Regardless of the fact that our music delighted countless children, parents, grandparents, made people smile, sing, laugh, and cry; some insecure and self-important Mall Security guy came and felt it was his duty to escort us out. Even though we were leaving, he wanted to 'write us up' or something. Since I didn't have an i.d. on me, he told us he'd have to take me 'in.' Daniel just laughed as he said "um, you're not going to take my little sister anywhere" and told me to get in the car. We ended up playing outside a little bookstore (with permission) on the UofM campus. It was really cold. And unforgettably fun. Lucrative too, if I remember correctly.

Then, several years later, we became really really good friends again. As adults. And we turned out to be even more alike than we ever knew before. He gave Ryan and I a bunch of new friends when we moved back to MI, who are now some of our best friends. He invited us to be part of a church that revived my love of The Church.
In recent years, some of the most decadent time I've had with him have been hours spent in a cedar lined, warm studio making music together, drinking too much coffee, eating apple slices and whole wheat english muffins with natural peanut butter, and solving all the problems of the world. (I almost bought a cello this weekend, brother. I really do want to record again soon.)

And today, he's old. We share our birthday month. (September might be the best month, I'm beginning to think.) And I am grateful beyond words (though I have seemingly been able to be rather verbose) to have him as my big brother.





I love you.
Happy Birthday.

"I know Ohio..."

I don't think I even heard it on our trip...but the song floated through my mind all weekend, especially as we wandered around 'the back roads' near our first home in Vermilion.


It was a very quick trip...but a few of our favorite moments were captured with the Cybershot...

"Ohio Church"

"Ohio play porch"

Today, Maya saw a magazine with 2 kids on a porch. She told me their names were 'Addison' and 'Maya.'

"Ohio mornings"...
...are earlier, now with 2 babies to wake us, but still wonderful...with

cuddly kids, the strongest coffee in the world (with cream, of course)...and Lynn's pancakes. yum.

"Ohio yard" (pronounced 'lard')
Swings, a tree house, a slide, cousins, and bubbles...

"Ohio peanut butter"
Maya was really excited that Aunt Lynn let her 'make' her own sandwich for lunch.
Sweet independence.

The favorite "Ohio Story"
The Swim Lesson.
A great story of courage despite fear of the unknown.
"I won't go in. I won't go in. I won't go in the water.
The water is too cold. The water is too deep. The water is too wet."

But don't worry. The heroine goes in.
In fact...
"She won't get out. She won't get out. She won't get out of the water."

After story time, Andy and I listened to the monitor for THREE HOURS as Maya happily chatted away while she was supposed to be napping. "I won't do in da water" was one of our favorite oft repeated lines :)

Mandy's (and Josh's) house had really yummy breakfast cereal... and noodles, a magical fort, a really big and friendly dog named Shelby, and 'Goldilocks pool.'

"I won't get out. I won't get out. I won't get out of the water."

'Goldilocks Pool'


Maya really didn't want to say good-bye to Mandy... or Ohio.

Oh, and Sophie enjoyed the trip too. She's just a little quieter and less active than her busy big sister.

Despite the fact that she seems to be absent from the pictures,
she *was* there...and pretty content most of the time.

See?

"Happy beef-er"...

...Maya very lovingly wished her Uncle Andy on the phone tonight.

Proof that Dick Devos is creepy...

Write in Rudd.

This is My Stove...

Write in Rudd for Governor.
Because Dick Devos is creepy.

feeling sick

I would like to finish wrapping our Christmas presents, send Christmas cards, finish the laundry, make several dozen cookies for Ryan's friends at work, the staff at school, and my students...to celebrate their great performance and for their last class before Christmas. But instead, I'm laying in the couch...feeling miserable.

The pregnancy nausea is over, but my draining sinuses are reviving that sick stomach feeling. My lungs are already a bit cramped for space, and the lack of oxygen flow through my nose is making me more than a little dizzy...and the pressure in my head.... sore throat, aching ears...... the pain and pressure in my lower abdomen from my growing baby makes laying on the couch even more appealing....maybe even necessary.

I'll stop whining now. I only have to work one day this week....hm....snow day tomorrow??

Only three more days until our ultra sound....then brother Andy arrives, then Christmas!!! then another week off!!
life is good.

It was true...

Some readers predicted long periods of silence when school started.

Sorry. They were right.

I just finished my first week with students. ( a short week, no school tomorrow!)
I enjoyed it so much more than the previous week...organizing, planning, meetings,...more meetings.

One thing I love about being a music teacher is that I keep getting the same kids back every year. I get to watch them change and grow, and my relationship with them only deepens.

It was a fun beginning, but I'm ready to enjoy the long weekend now.

* * *

The concert at the Dogwoood... was so exciting to be a part of. I am always amazed by musicians who can intertwine meaningful thoughts and words with complex and beautiful music. Someday I think I'll start writing a lot of music.

Phoebe was there performing 'smelly cat'. Actually her name was Anisa, and she *was* a talented singer, unlike her "Friends" look-alike. But she *did* sing a song that had the word "stinky" and the word "cat" in the same sentence.

"Two Dog" came onto the stage alone...wearing jeans, a button-up flannel shirt, and an ill-fitting baseball hat over his long gray braids and earings. He had one of the most soothing, peaceful voices I've ever heard. He spoke about gratitude and hope and generosity. His English and Ottowan words were full of grace and genteleness. He sang unaccompanied. It was breathtaking.

Meeting so many talented musicians was inspiring. I might even get to play on some of their recordings in the future.

* * *

I'll be auditioning for the WSSO next Saturday. Until this week, I've been so worried and preoccupied by this.
For some reason, I don't feel like my whole identity hinges upon this anymore. I desperately want to play this year. But life will continue if I can't. And life will still have plenty of beauty and happiness...despite the disapointment.

* * *

In my long silence, I've even neglected my blog reading!
But I've heard rumors that all three of my brothers are now blogging again!
You must promise to still at least feign interest in my blog though.

* * *

Ryan has given me a guilt trip for writing endlessly about myself while there are multitudes of people starving, homeless, and hurting all over the world.
He was only teasing.
But he's right.

We watched an incredible film tonight about some beautiful children living in a 'red light' district. "Born into Brothels"
The children speak eloquently about their unlikely dreams for their future, their fears of acquiring their mothers' life work, and their love of art and beauty despite the filth and evil surrounding them.

Again, we were reminded of our vast wealth and privillege.

* * *

okay. i'm done.

chains

My friend Rachel reminded me today about the incredible Story that should always preoccupy my thoughts.
Instead, I anxiously dwell on uncontrollable future events, past mistakes, insignificant frustrations, shallow desires...

..."how much more should our every day and every thought be consumed by the agony of hurting our loving God, our Creator, of sinning day after day and laughing about it. Yet Christ does not want us to walk in this misery, he wants us to walk in irrepressible joy, as one walking forth from a prison, our jail-time paid by his death."

A song I love came to my mind...


My chains fell off,
my heart was free!
I arose, went forth
and followed Thee
Amazing Love!
How can it be
That Thou, my God
shouldst die for me?

Daniel talked this week about chains...about what it means to be truly set free. How we sometimes like to go back to our bondage even though Someone died...for us to be free. I passionately sing together with my family of believers about my freedom and my "new life," but daily I use sarcastic, thoughtless words. I make value judgements of people based on physical, intellectual, social appearances. I live in luxury, consuming, wasting, and sometimes wanting more.

So if I'm really free,...and I'm really following--like the song says, I think the journey would probably lead me to people that are hurting. I'd most likely have lots of opportunities to show love and generosity like Jesus.

I'm pretty sure that happens every day. But I'm usually thinking about my own needs, and hopes, and insecurities. And I miss it.

In my better moments, those few times when I *am* aware, I get a glimpse of that fulfilling joy of true freedom.
I hope tomorrow is filled with that kind of living.

on my mind tonight...

...the validity of asking questions without finding answers. the exhaustion that comes from questioning everything.

...church. how i usually determine my own personal 'satisfaction' with church by considering how my intellectual, emotional, entertainment needs are met. how i really long to please Christ...to be a loving bride. to honor his sacrifice by learning to love and submit as He did. to build and strengthen Christ's body by living a life of love, forgiveness, and grace instead of cynicism and pride.

...sadness that my brother Daniel won't be my pastor for very much longer. I've loved it.

...the obnoxious amount of screaming that goes on at concerts...especially 'Christian concerts'...where the lines are not always clear about whether we are screaming about Jesus or Toby Mac.

...dreading the close of summer, and the freedom i enjoy these days.

...loving my students and being energized by the time i spent with them today. kindergarteners are really fun. so are high-schoolers. my job is perfect.

...Ryan...is so almost done with school. I can't wait to feel that burden lifted for him.

...how much i really like the movie, "Love Actually."

...cherishing the amazing neighbors we find ourselves living next to...

...the sadness of realizing that relationships are different from what they used to be. that things I've shared with people...are no longer something we have in common...that i've changed (in good ways and bad). that i've hurt people. that i've been a bad friend who sometimes uses people. that i act out of selfish motives...often.

...gratitude...to have so many wise, loving people in my life to learn from and talk (write) to about ideas, about faith, about truth.

the carnival came to town

sherman bowling
Originally uploaded by AngandRyan.

one of my brothers, who doesn't live in muskegon once said that if he never gets a picture of this sign before it is taken down, he would die...or regret it forever...or some kind of dramatic, life altering consequence.

so, to avoid any early deaths, life-long regrets, or other crisis, i took a few pictures. and the carnival was in town. so you get the ferris wheel too.

there are a couple more pictures on flickr.