warm

My brain isn't quite as tired as it should be at 12:22 am.  I've tricked it with some caffeine (consumed a little too late at night) and now it is tricking me out of sleeping.  But a spontaneous and rare after-church evening spent around a table of friends sipping coffee was well worth my current caffeine 'buzz.'  I did switch to chamomile tea after only one cup of the strong stuff.  

But it's not just the drug, I feel deeply content and grateful...for friends and family, for people that love me, and people that let me love them.

I always relish being with my little Saturday-night church family and the larger Church (and church) family we belong to.  Tonight, looking around our table at church, and again around the other table (after church)... I just felt so 'lucky'.  To belong to so many loving people (the ones present and so many that weren't).  To share our laughter and happiness, our shared memories, our hopes, plans, ideas, frustrations, weaknesses, sorrows, disappointments...it seems a bit too wonderful.  Far more than I deserve. 

I get to share life with them. 

Their authenticity and courage through disapointment and loss and sorrow, as well as their steadiness and humility in success and times of blessing... teach me so much about love and life.  They listen to me and take my silly ramblings so seriously.   They genuinely celebrate my joys, and bear my burdens too.

Being 'grateful for friends' seems a little cliche, a bit too obvious for a blog post, maybe.  But I am. Grateful.  Warm and full.    

...............................................................

I am painting a slightly 'soft-focus' lens version of the evening.  There were, in actuality, seven small children wildly taking advantage of a few unstructured hours together in a big house (and all were desperately trying to enjoy a major bed-time extension without falling apart emotionally).  

Still.  It was delightful.  And, hey....maybe the kids will sleep-in a bit in the morning?  

Another rough day at the beach...

...so rough, in fact, that we (2 semi-responsible moms) completely lost track of time. And just after promising ice-cream to four children (who, ran obediently out of the water at the word...'ice-cream')....we realized it was 5:00 PM! So four (or six) kiddie cones later, we hurried home for dinner.

The Beans were having stew (all-day cooking in the crock-pot) and we had one more new dish to prepare from another new favorite cooking blogger I found from a friend's facebook post.

It will be repeated soon in our house...

Creamy Chicken Marsala Pasta

adapted from a recipe at What’s Cookin Chicago
2 large boneless, skinless chicken breasts cut into bite sized pieces or strips
1- 10oz package of baby bella mushrooms, sliced
1 small onion, chopped
4 tablespoons olive oil
3 cloves garlic, minced
¾ cup Marsala wine
½ cup chicken broth
¼ cup half & half (or heavy cream)
1 pound pasta
1/2 cup grated Parmesan + more for serving
Salt & pepper to taste
Fresh basil, finely chopped

Season the chicken with salt & pepper. Cook the chicken in a large skillet with about 2 tablespoons of olive oil. Transfer to plate when done.

Boil the water and cook pasta until al dente.

While the water is boiling add another 2 tablespoons of olive oil to the pan then add the garlic, mushrooms and onions. Cook for 10 – 15 minutes. Put the cooked chicken back into the skillet. Add the Marsala, chicken broth and half & half. Bring to a boil then lower to a simmer. Cook until sauce has thickened. About 3 – 5 minutes.

Drain the pasta and reserve ½ cup of the cooking water. Add the pasta to the same skillet and add in ½ cup of Parmesan & the chopped basil. Cook until the pasta has absorbed some of the sauce (about 1 minute). Add in reserved cooking water if needed.

Season with salt, pepper and garnish with a sprinkling more of cheese.

So many things...

...to be grateful for. And so many things to blog about.

I keep checking this blog, so disappointed each time to see that nothing has changed. Somebody better start posting here!

You'd think with a summer of freedom and rest, with heaps of decadent time spent with family and friends... that my fingers would ache to express my joy and share my stories.

Yet despite my delightfully short to-do list and our full social calendar, I've been rather silent here.

A few summer highlights that deserve more words (and pictures) but may or may not be revisited in future posts:

• a full week spent at the cabin (overlapping with brother, Daniel and boys)
• my new love for kayaking
• Mackinac Island
• a plentiful summer garden
• fresh summer salads and fruit pies
• home organizing projects
• my new jewelry display, made from an old printer drawer
  
• new bedding (I finally made our bed pretty after 9 years of marriage)
• beach days with friends
• pool days with friends and family
• Grand Haven boardwalk dates
• a long and delightful 'ladies night' spent telling stories with some beautiful women on the patio at The Lake House
  
• college girls reunion (they came from Denver, Chicago, and Cincinnati for a 3-night sleep-over at my house)
• beach day with Ryan and girls
• Baby Camden Paul Fisher's birth

escape

dreamlike. restful. decadent. crazy fun.

it's the last day

Only, I don't feel quite as sad or panicky as I thought I would.

It's the last evening of Spring Break. The girls are sleepy and tucked into their beds, rooms are neat, clothes laid out for tomorrow. I'm not quite as organized or accomplished as I thought I might be at this point in my spring break (the kitchen isn't quite put together yet, and there are random toys and some clutter in the living room, my school bag isn't quite organized for the week), but still I'm very grateful and content.

And so....a list (that doesn't even scratch the surface) of the blessings I've been grateful for in recent days...

• lazy mornings with coffee, and eggs, yorkshire pudding or pancakes, french toast...or even just an un-rushed bowl of oatmeal.
  
• the decadence of a blank schedule
  
• the time to just be
  
• conversations that Ryan and I have even been able to finish.
• time to just laugh together...and smile across the room or couch at each other.
• singing together with the girls in the evening, playing games with songs, singing parts, and trying rounds...seriously, it's a little 'von Trapp-ish' or maybe just 'Rudd-ish'...but it's been crazy fun
  
• finishing a book, actually the last book in a series (by Madeleine L'Engle, of course) I've been working on (little by little) for....four years!?!? As much as I am happy to have finished, to have the stories completed inside of me....I will miss these stories and characters, the beauty of the storytelling, the wisdom and truth in the words. Happily, all five of them are neatly stacked on my bookshelf downstairs waiting to be reread someday (and discovered by my children!).
• a God that loves me more than I begin to understand.
• a world that is full of complexity and beauty and mystery.
• love
• summer is coming
  
• long drives with windows down, schubert symphonies playing, and sleeping girls in the back seat
• ice cream
• Sophia figuring out the potty just a bit more (we had a few major successes this week)
  
• finishing another "Little House" book...The Long Winter. We read the last chapter (which was all about the arrival of spring and the relief from the near starvation and bitter cold of the long winter) sitting out on the deck in the sun, wrapped in a soft blanket, smelling the grass, listening to birds, eating apple slices. Maya and I agreed that we'd store that memory away for a long time
• making running a new habit (again)
• summer is coming
  
• open windows and billowing curtains
• rain
• a job, actually two, that I love....these make the return to the 'real world' a little easier
• getting to fall asleep and wake up next to my Love, knowing that he loves me
• waking up to little voices and big eyes peering into my face
• some new shoes
• brothers and sisters
  
• summer is coming
  
• april
• living near beautiful beaches
• almost forgetting what snow looks and feels like (well, okay..that's an exaggeration)
• a warm and lovely home full of everything I need (and lots that I don't)
  
• a rare and delightfully long late night phone conversation (full of everything and nothing, planning, and laughing) with my dearest Mandy who now lives in the same STATE (and for a few months, the same town) as me!

Sometimes these moments of realization...this overwhelming sense of joy in life...can be hard to remember. This feeling of bliss may fade quickly (as the busy week actually begins). But the truest things that bring me joy won't actually fade, only my awareness of them.

As I age (I am almost 30 now), I fear that my heart is sometimes harder, more practical, sometimes even quiet. And my racing mind silences the quiet voice of the Spirit in my heart.
The truest things that are 'deepest in my soul' are less and less what I think about and live out. And the more pressing things, the worries, and urgent obligations crowd my mind so that in the few moments that I dream, I dream of silly, fleeting, foolish things. Things that are lovely but might be shallow. And the softness, the gratitude and passion are less evident in my life.

But the people and relationships that I've been given, (my daughters and my husband most of all) show me daily what love really is. They remind me to keep my heart softer...they help me to desire more than anything, to have a heart that is not conformed and hardened by my own selfishness and the world... but is being transformed by my Loving Rescuer and Creator.

This blogging thing always borders on narcissism, or 'navel gazing', and feeds the image-conscious affirmation seeker within me. Sometimes I think I really should just get a journal. But I can't write as well (or as fast) as I can type. Blogger just does something clarifying (and good, I think) for my brain. But in recent years (since Motherhood) I've devoted less time to this outlet. So for this reason, (and in an attempt to avoid (or feed?) this narcissistic tendency)...I mostly just post pictures and simple stories from our life, so that the people we love can see them (or not-- if they understandably don't really care to know what we had for breakfast).

Yet somehow this post turned into that introspective rambling that I used to do a lot more (when I had time). But if you've read this far, you must have loads of time...or you love me enough to put up with my level of craziness. So, thanks.

Some happy news from our friend Rick...

You may have read my earlier post last fall about our good friend Rick's very aggressive cancer diagnosis. Over the last couple of months, a few tests have seemed to confirm that the chemo is working beyond all expectations. Rick's post today was just too exciting not to share...

"My CT Scan results are in. And they are great news! There is no direct evidence of cancer on the scans. One area that previously showed cancer is no longer picking up any evidence. The other area that previous showed cancer has shrunk for the 2nd scan in a row and is much less defined, meaning that it could be just inflammation or even scar tissue from the cancer dying. The radiologist did not feel confident enough to label it as cancer.

We are taking this as excellent news. Dr. Sipahi is fairly sure there is still cancer present, but it is very small and possibly only microscopic. And even better yet, it is NOT spreading. This marks about 6 months since my diagnosis and according to imaging tests, there is less evidence (possibly none) of cancer now than there was at diagnosis 6 months ago. We are cautiously optimistic about these results and are planning a small celebration soon. We're going up to Boyne Mountain the first week of March for a skiing weekend and to go to Avalanche Bay indoor waterpark as a whole family getaway..."

You can read more (or sign his carepage) here.

If you think of it, please continue to plead for Rick's healing and pray for encouragement and strength and love to surround Rick, Cindy, Lauren, and Carter.

four kids are sleeping upstairs.

We feel pretty proud of our accomplishment. Four children, all of them under four are having their very first sleepover slumber party. They are sharing two bedrooms. They are all asleep.

And the only one who really struggled with bedtime was Maya...she was just...way. too. excited. She was so determined to obey. To go right to sleep. To do 'better' than she did at nap time (when she was removed from the 'sleepover room'). But she just couldn't leave poor (exhausted) Natalie alone. She kept telling her to close her eyes. The 'no talking' rule seemed less important than her need restate the rules in a mother-ish condescending tone to her silently annoyed friend.

We tried hard to keep them so busy today that no one would have time to revolt or whine and so tired that they couldn't help but sleep. It worked, everyone in the whole house (except myself) took a 2-3 hour nap, and I got a lot of reading (even some lesson-planning) done. But after naptime, we had to get them all tired again, so there were two long walks, one carousel ride, side-walk chalk art, soccer games, bike riding, bubbles, races around the house with all the neighbor kids, violin lessons, snacks, pajamas, and stories.

Success.

It seems like there should be something else to do.

But I am utterly incapable of doing anything...except to pray. I know I should realize that more often. But this evening this truth is very real to me. And even more to my friends.

Please pray with us....

We have enjoyed forming a really deep friendship this year with Rick and Cindy Kamp and their daughter Lauren (2). In early August, Rick was diagnosed cancer. They arrived again at Mayo this week to begin the Mayo 'Protocol' for his type of cancer....a process that involves cancer treatment followed by a Liver transplant. This treatment plan is usually very effective...and his prognosis is quite good if all goes well. It has been an incredibly difficult summer for them, but they have been grateful to have good treatment and a solid plan from the doctors at Maya. Their faith is humbling.

But today, a CT scan showed bumps in Rick's peritoneal cavity that the radiologist interpreted as metastisis. This disease is rapidly terminal if there are metastisis in PSC patients and Rick would be excluded from his 'eligibility' for the 'protocol' (treatment and Liver transplant) that has been planned.

They should find out tomorrow afternoon if these bumps are cancer or if the CT scan results were wrong.

Please pray.

Rick's carepage

"I'm Lizzing my bed"

Me: Maya, did you just use 'Liz' as a verb?

Maya: I'm Lizzing it. For Liz. It's her bed. I'm mating (making) it.

Liz my adventurous, intelligent, funny, intense, generous, and perceptive new friend from MSU came to visit us for the weekend. She's really from Southern California, staying on campus in East Lansing for the summer while she works towards her Masters in Music Ed.

Maya loved having a friend here...'sharing' her room, playing endlessly, reading books, pretending to be imaginary characters, being covered in stickers...

And in honor of her new friend, 'Liz' is now the name of Maya's 'dirl' (girl) in the doll house family. Last night, we brought Liz to meet Allie in Allendale (another friend from class). Maya's doll house is now 'Allie's house'....where Liz stayed last night.

So now, I keep hearing..."Mom, we do(go) to Talifornia?"

"I know Ohio..."

I don't think I even heard it on our trip...but the song floated through my mind all weekend, especially as we wandered around 'the back roads' near our first home in Vermilion.


It was a very quick trip...but a few of our favorite moments were captured with the Cybershot...

"Ohio Church"

"Ohio play porch"

Today, Maya saw a magazine with 2 kids on a porch. She told me their names were 'Addison' and 'Maya.'

"Ohio mornings"...
...are earlier, now with 2 babies to wake us, but still wonderful...with

cuddly kids, the strongest coffee in the world (with cream, of course)...and Lynn's pancakes. yum.

"Ohio yard" (pronounced 'lard')
Swings, a tree house, a slide, cousins, and bubbles...

"Ohio peanut butter"
Maya was really excited that Aunt Lynn let her 'make' her own sandwich for lunch.
Sweet independence.

The favorite "Ohio Story"
The Swim Lesson.
A great story of courage despite fear of the unknown.
"I won't go in. I won't go in. I won't go in the water.
The water is too cold. The water is too deep. The water is too wet."

But don't worry. The heroine goes in.
In fact...
"She won't get out. She won't get out. She won't get out of the water."

After story time, Andy and I listened to the monitor for THREE HOURS as Maya happily chatted away while she was supposed to be napping. "I won't do in da water" was one of our favorite oft repeated lines :)

Mandy's (and Josh's) house had really yummy breakfast cereal... and noodles, a magical fort, a really big and friendly dog named Shelby, and 'Goldilocks pool.'

"I won't get out. I won't get out. I won't get out of the water."

'Goldilocks Pool'


Maya really didn't want to say good-bye to Mandy... or Ohio.

Oh, and Sophie enjoyed the trip too. She's just a little quieter and less active than her busy big sister.

Despite the fact that she seems to be absent from the pictures,
she *was* there...and pretty content most of the time.

See?

sorry i'm so slow chris o.

So, my friend Chris (who has always been one of the friends I most enjoy conversations with and one of the smartest people I went to high school with) tagged me to post this book survey thing....a while ago. I was very flattered. But not sure I could live up to his expectations... Despite my anxiety and procrastination, here it is...

01. One book that changed your life
Hm... I think I have to pick two...or twelve. Okay, just two.
First. Traveling Mercies, by Anne Lamotte
I don't think I'd even put this one on my top ten list of favorites, but it did change me.
I read it during the summer after my freshman year of college at Cedarville University. (And though now I find that after reading too much of her 'voice' I'm exhausted and annoyed by her cynicism and obnoxious ranting)...for me then, at that point in my life...her stories painted a really beautiful picture of Christianity that wasn't so...white and conservative and narrow...predictable and based on following rules and fitting a certain mold.
It helped me to see a far bigger picture of The Church...and it was surprising and refreshing and exciting.

Second. Walking on Water, by Madeleine L'Engle.
I've quoted her already here.
"...chronology will teach me how to be more aware, open, unafraid to be vulnerable, involved, committed, to accept disagreement without feeling threatened (repeat and underline this one), to understand that I cannot take myself seriously until I stop taking myself seriously--to be, in fact, a true adult.
To be." -Madeleine L'Engle

My forever struggle of finding (or accepting...or continuing toward) my 'place' as an artist, a musician, a wife, a mother, a follower of Christ...feeling mediocre and disappointed sometimes...those feelings were validated in her words. And yet her wisdom and honesty made me feel more content somehow...inspired and motivated...yet also at peace. Even her fiction makes feel more hopeful about the world.



02. One book that you’ve read more than once
Several of Jane Austen's novels.

03. One book you’d want on a desert island
I think I'm gonna have to steal the survival book idea too. It just seems wise.

04. Two books that made you laugh
Bridget Jones Diary. I laughed out loud often.
Russel the Sheep, Go to Sleep. We read it every night for a month, but it was still sad to give it back to the library last week.

05. One book that made you cry
A Severe Mercy. My favorite book last fall. Ryan even started reading it too, just because he loves me.

06. One book that you wish had been written
I wish I'd been journaling more during this pregnancy. When Sophie (or Ian) gets old enough to see the inequality of my two pregnancy journals...I'll have some explaining to do.

07. One book that you wish had never been written
hm... ?

08. Two books you're currently reading
Reading Lolita in Tehran
Out of the Silent Planet

09. One book you’ve been meaning to read
Some of C.S. Lewis that I haven't read yet.
Harry Potter.
War and Peace.
and so many classics...

(with no pressure, of course...it took me about two months to follow through on this assignment) I tag...
Rachel Beach and Katie Rose and my mom (maybe she'll actually start blogging again! I know you've been reading some good books, Mom.)

a fun google search

So I googled my friend Heidi Kok's name to see what shows she's been acting in lately. And I came accross this old page of pictures I made in college. It was at the top of the google list for Heidi's name. Sorry Heidi. She has some far more sophisticated and beautiful pictures on the web now.

five years after our own August wedding...

...we took our daughter on a very long car ride and celebrated the marriage of our friends Dave and Lauren in Springfield, Ohio.
It was a beautiful wedding. Full of hope, truth, love, honesty. And surrounded with intricate and bright stained glass windows, delicious food enjoyed at an art museum reception complete with some of our dearest friends.

Maya was pleased by the great power she seemed to hold over her new friends. Not one of them could refuse her constant pointing to be taken in a new direction, to see one more picture...especially when she tilted her head to one side, begged with her big blue eyes and wrinkled up nose, and her sweet little voice said 'peas'.



No one could refuse, but especially not our beloved Mandy.

driving

The most dreaded part of my summer has instead become a glorious time of ...
independence,
inspiration,
reflection,
prayer,
learning French (I've actually finished a course on tape for the first time in my life---I've borrowed them from libraries at least 4 times now),
soaking up some opera, some Cole Porter, and Leonard Bernstein,
NPR,
long conversations with my Mandy,
misty mornings,
warm afternoon sunlight,
a Madeline L'Engle interview on tape,
Angela's Ashes audiobook...

Next up...A Wrinkle In Time (a long ago read, and sadly, forgotten book by my new favorite author).

If only my car didn't require so much gas...

...I think I could really learn to like driving.

(So..I probably should have spent the last hour studying for my mid-term ...instead of blogging. I wish I could find a way to safely do THAT while driving!)

do you see the girl in the orange hat??

I watched her reach down to get her cell phone out of her purse....


...as I waited on the other end of the line for her to answer.

Look a little closer...


It's Kim! and the guy next to her in the orange shirt is Rob! And that's me on the phone. I'm on TV

She even waved to me!

They were on the screen for most of the game, their seats being right behind home plate. I've never watched the television screen so intently during a Tigers game before. If baseball comes on I usually fall asleep, if I even stay in the room that long.

my best friend came to visit...

Aren't Mandy and Josh so cute together?