"Joy is the infallible sign of the presence of God."

~Madeleine L'Engle

Who is beyond your imagination.

"Bodily calm is part of our presence to people, and also to God. You may be on your knees, standing, sitting or prostrate. You try to stop the body moving. You focus on something physical: the breath flowing into you, or the sounds that invade your stillness, or the awareness of your enveloping skin. Then you give space to the Lord who created you, who is more central to your being than your own mind is, yet who is beyond your imagination.
I pause for a moment and think of the love and the grace that God showers on me: I am created in the image and likeness of God; I am God's dwelling-place.

I exist in a web of relationships - links to nature, people, God. I trace out these links, giving thanks for the life that flows through them.
Some links are twisted or broken: I may feel regret, anger, disappointment. I pray for the gift of acceptance and forgiveness."

~from Sacred Space this morning.

Father.

You are the one that has given that name meaning for me. Before I ever knew the depth of the name 'Father', you showed Him to me.

I have always known that a Father is full of unending, unconditional, sacrificing love. That a Father is trustworthy, wise, and patient. That a Father desires what is best for his children.

And as you lived all of these things, you also gave me something far greater. You told me stories about my Father that created and loved me even more than you could. But I've always had a hard time believing that kind of love was possible, because I knew how deeply I was loved by you.

I knew that you hurt when I was hurting. That you hated to see my pain or failure or disapointment. Now that I am a parent, I've found myself saying the words that I so often heard you say to me..."Oh honey, I wish I could take the pain for you." Though I never doubted it then, I now know how much you really meant it.

And yet it is clear that more than happiness or comfort or ease...you desire what is best, what is right, what only God can give us whether it brings happiness or sorrow.

For all of my life, I have met new people, that somehow have been impacted by you, by your teaching, by your love, by your wisdom...and always, with great pride and gratitude, I say...

'He's my dad.'

wishing I wasn't 'the rich young ruler'

Poverty is so hard to see
When it’s only on your tv and twenty miles across town.
Where we’re all living so good
that we moved out of Jesus’ neighborhood.
Where He’s hungry and not feeling so good
from going through our trash.
He says, more than just your cash and coin,
I want your time, i want your voice.

I want the things you just can’t give me.


So what must we do?
Here in the west we want to follow You.
We speak the language and we keep all the rules...
even a few we made up.
Come on and follow me,
but sell your house, sell your SUV
sell your stocks, sell your security
and give it to the poor.
What is this?, Hey what’s the deal?
I don’t sleep around, and I don’t steal.

I want the things you just can’t give me


Because what you do to the least of these
my brothers, you have done it to me.

Because I want the things you just can’t give me.

-The Rich Young Ruler by Derek Webb

And despite the simplicity of the truth, I'm left feeling conflicted.

I really do love people deeply, and most of the time, generosity is an inherent response (though my motives aren't always innocent). My heart is ridiculously soft, pliable, sensitive, compassionate. But my unweildy pride and greed (thinly disguised as good and honest hopes, dreams, ambitions, plans) have grown up around it...twisting and intertwining like gnarled roots. They somehow convince me to just not care. To pretend to be ignorant to the depths of the poverty around me, to justify my choices by comparisons.

I really like to be known as a person that cares about social justice. To be 'all about' peace and love and anti- consumerism, materialism, and corporate america, and Western values that promote self advancement...at any cost. But to be completely honest, I spend so much of my time imagining an even better life for myself... time and money to travel, a bigger house with more space to entertain, a 'study' with room for all our books to be stored in elegant book cases, dressers for our bedroom made of real wood, a dining room set with matching chairs (instead of our hand-me down, wobbly table, and chairs the wrong color....poor me, right?), a porch, a fireplace, a whirlpool tub, a washer and dryer like the ones all the cool people have...(I'm already feeling that familiar buzz of pleasure just imagining it all again...) There are uglier ways to put it. When I'm altogether truthful, I'll call it covetousness, greed, lust.

At a dinner party once, Jesus said to his hosts, "You are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy--full of greed and wickedness! Fools! Didn't God make the inside as well as the outside? So clean the inside by giving gifts to the poor, and you will be clean all over."

I can do that...I give gifts to the poor. Pretty generous ones (...I like to tell myself). But they're still gifts that don't really hurt, or stretch my budget. Ones that allow me to maintain (maybe even upgrade from time to time) my lifestyle.

And to someone else with a similar fortune to mine, He said, "There is still one thing you haven't done. Sell all your posessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then, come follow me."

"...I want the things you just can't give Me."

Oswald Chambers had harsh words for me tonight...

"Why shouldn’t we experience heartbreak? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us collapse at the first grip of pain. We sit down at the door of God’s purpose and enter a slow death through self-pity. And all the so-called Christian sympathy of others helps us to our deathbed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, as if to say, "Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine." If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?"

God has to destroy our determined confidence in our own convictions. We say, "I know that this is what I should do"-and suddenly the voice of God speaks in a way that overwhelms us by revealing the depths of our ignorance. We show our ignorance of Him in the very way we decide to serve Him. We serve Jesus in a spirit that is not His, and hurt Him by our defense of Him. We push His claims in the spirit of the devil; our words sound all right, but the spirit is that of an enemy.

-Oswald Chambers

chains

My friend Rachel reminded me today about the incredible Story that should always preoccupy my thoughts.
Instead, I anxiously dwell on uncontrollable future events, past mistakes, insignificant frustrations, shallow desires...

..."how much more should our every day and every thought be consumed by the agony of hurting our loving God, our Creator, of sinning day after day and laughing about it. Yet Christ does not want us to walk in this misery, he wants us to walk in irrepressible joy, as one walking forth from a prison, our jail-time paid by his death."

A song I love came to my mind...


My chains fell off,
my heart was free!
I arose, went forth
and followed Thee
Amazing Love!
How can it be
That Thou, my God
shouldst die for me?

Daniel talked this week about chains...about what it means to be truly set free. How we sometimes like to go back to our bondage even though Someone died...for us to be free. I passionately sing together with my family of believers about my freedom and my "new life," but daily I use sarcastic, thoughtless words. I make value judgements of people based on physical, intellectual, social appearances. I live in luxury, consuming, wasting, and sometimes wanting more.

So if I'm really free,...and I'm really following--like the song says, I think the journey would probably lead me to people that are hurting. I'd most likely have lots of opportunities to show love and generosity like Jesus.

I'm pretty sure that happens every day. But I'm usually thinking about my own needs, and hopes, and insecurities. And I miss it.

In my better moments, those few times when I *am* aware, I get a glimpse of that fulfilling joy of true freedom.
I hope tomorrow is filled with that kind of living.

on my mind tonight...

...the validity of asking questions without finding answers. the exhaustion that comes from questioning everything.

...church. how i usually determine my own personal 'satisfaction' with church by considering how my intellectual, emotional, entertainment needs are met. how i really long to please Christ...to be a loving bride. to honor his sacrifice by learning to love and submit as He did. to build and strengthen Christ's body by living a life of love, forgiveness, and grace instead of cynicism and pride.

...sadness that my brother Daniel won't be my pastor for very much longer. I've loved it.

...the obnoxious amount of screaming that goes on at concerts...especially 'Christian concerts'...where the lines are not always clear about whether we are screaming about Jesus or Toby Mac.

...dreading the close of summer, and the freedom i enjoy these days.

...loving my students and being energized by the time i spent with them today. kindergarteners are really fun. so are high-schoolers. my job is perfect.

...Ryan...is so almost done with school. I can't wait to feel that burden lifted for him.

...how much i really like the movie, "Love Actually."

...cherishing the amazing neighbors we find ourselves living next to...

...the sadness of realizing that relationships are different from what they used to be. that things I've shared with people...are no longer something we have in common...that i've changed (in good ways and bad). that i've hurt people. that i've been a bad friend who sometimes uses people. that i act out of selfish motives...often.

...gratitude...to have so many wise, loving people in my life to learn from and talk (write) to about ideas, about faith, about truth.

Some of my most well spent moments seem to be spent in convivium.

My family loves to just sit at the table, long after the food is gone...arguing, laughing, telling stories. Usually the candles start dripping wax, the "in-laws" begin clearing the table, watching the kids, doing responsible things...while the 'notals' sit, contemplating theories, discussing post-modernism, openness of God, the emergent church, politics...oblivious to the immediate surroundings. Thanksgiving is too far away.

Last night, Ryan and I enjoyed this kind of 'living together'...while we watched the boats pass through the channel, eating mediterranean pita sandwiches and drinking rasberry juice.

Sunday night, Kim and I prepared a convivium together (penne pasta with sauteed mushrooms & red bell peppers...tossed with feta and basil pesto sauce). I love eating with friends.

In church on sunday we ate together. we celebrated communion...singing about our freedom through Christ. We studied Romans, trying to recognize how fully we are condemned, drowning in guilt and sin. Trying to fully comprehend how beautiful our redemption is!

No condemnation now I dread
Jesus and all in Him is mine.
Alive in Him, my living Head
and clothed in righteousness divine.
Bold I approach the eternal throne,
and claim the crown through Christ my Lord.

Amazing Love, how can it be?
That thou my God shouldst die for me?

O gracious Light,
pure brightness of the everliving Father in heaven,
O Jesus Christ, holy and blessed!

Now as we come to the setting of the sun,
and our eyes behold the vesper light,
we sing your praises O God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

You are worthy at all times to be praised by happy voices,
O Son of God, O Giver of life,
and to be glorified through all the worlds.

~a prayer for the Early Evening (The Book of Common Prayer)

Some words from a fifteenth century monk that cut my conscience as I read them today...

Currently Reading
The Imitation of Christ (Vintage Spiritual Classics)
By Thomas Kempis


..."Study, therefore, to withdraw the love of your soul from all things that are visible, and to turn it to things that are invisible."

"...we quickly believe evil of others sooner than good. It is great wisdom therefore, not to be hasty in our deeds, not to trust much in our own wits, not readily to believe every tale, not to show straightway to others all that we hear or believe."

"Charity and not eloquence is to be sought..."

"Dreaming of a change of place has deceived many a person in religion."

"...to hear and take counsel is a more sure way than to give it."

I found these words from sacred space gave me a different perspective on my thoughts about freewill.

Freedom

There are very few people
who realise what God would make of them
if they abandoned themselves into his hands,
and let themselves be formed by his grace. (St Ignatius)
I ask for the grace to trust myself totally to God's love.

...things i've often heard, and sometimes begin to understand, but often don't acknowledge with my life. what a beautiful freedom, to be formed by his grace.

i recently read a beautiful post that drew an image of God as a composer, uniquely composing music for...(and with)...each of us. i keep absorbing that image more and more. God, shaping intricate melodies... sometimes rich and full harmonies...layers and layers of sound, and yet sometimes the melody is only a solo...or even silence. the music is often dissonant, sometimes (vivace) full of life, or dolce (rich and sweet), and other times lonely and haunting.
but the music is His, and it draws us to him.
i hope your day is full of beautiful music "formed by his grace."

"If God were trying to tell me something, would I know?
If God were reassuring me or challenging me, would I notice?
I ask for the grace to be free of my own preoccupations
and open to what God may be saying to me."

~from sacred space daily prayer 6.15.05

rich harmony

"Everything has the potential to draw forth from me a fuller love and life.
Yet my desires are often fixed, caught, on illusions of fulfillment.
I ask that God, through my freedom, may orchestrate
my desires in a vibrant loving melody rich in harmony."
-taken from Sacred Space (daily prayer 5.1.05)
http://www.sacredspace.ie/


...not that my desires or even the objects of my desires are wrong. "Everything has the potential to draw forth... love and life," even things. But those are seldom the motivating forces in my desires--love and life. My shallow dreams and pursuits of happiness are usually more like illusions of finding some kind of selfish fulfillment outside of what is true. a counterfeit happiness.
As deeply as I KNOW within my being that I will never find real fulfillment in obtaining things, I still waste hours of my life idly dreaming and chasing after an image, fashion, a life of comfort, a better house, more recognition, more things,...
Fleeting, decaying, worthless, temporal things.
God created us to have desires, to long for something. And I know this. I know that I am created in His image, that I have been purchased with his own life, that my freedom allows me to rest IN HIM, to be complete, not lacking anything. Why do I have to struggle daily to be content? How is He so patient with me in my struggle?
He doesn't ask me to give up my things. He doesn't force me to avoid pleasure and beauty. Rather He surrounds me with true pleasure and rich beauty continually. He allows and desires that I live abundantly, fully, with joy. But not the kind of "joy" I sometimes try to use as a substitute, a quick fix--(comfort food, funny yet wounding sarcastic words, shopping, mindless entertainment). He gives real contenment generously and desires that I rest in His provision. He can use and change, redirect and fulfill my desires if I allow Him to live IN me--to ..."orchestrate my desires in a vibrant loving melody rich in harmony."