cinnamon.

I forgot...

...to post these way back in June. My mom and sister Lynn both posted more great pictures and thoughts from this weekend celebrating my parents 40 YEAR marriage!


We rented this lodge near Traverse City and spent the weekend cooking, eating, cleaning up, swimming, talking by the fire, visiting Traverse City, and running after small children.
As always, it was chaos. But the kind of chaos we subject ourselves to by choice...and only out of deep love.

driving

The most dreaded part of my summer has instead become a glorious time of ...
independence,
inspiration,
reflection,
prayer,
learning French (I've actually finished a course on tape for the first time in my life---I've borrowed them from libraries at least 4 times now),
soaking up some opera, some Cole Porter, and Leonard Bernstein,
NPR,
long conversations with my Mandy,
misty mornings,
warm afternoon sunlight,
a Madeline L'Engle interview on tape,
Angela's Ashes audiobook...

Next up...A Wrinkle In Time (a long ago read, and sadly, forgotten book by my new favorite author).

If only my car didn't require so much gas...

...I think I could really learn to like driving.

(So..I probably should have spent the last hour studying for my mid-term ...instead of blogging. I wish I could find a way to safely do THAT while driving!)

Sometimes...

...looking around, it seems like an inordinate number of things are out of place in life. That brokenness and disappointment are everywhere. That the glimmers of hope for which I desperately grasp are being relentlessly
torn apart,
clouded,
and revealed to be less than I imagined.

But sometimes,
hope
is impossible to miss. It is overwhelming and delightful. One piece of the shadow can disappear and the light pouring in is suddenly and blissfully blinding.


One of the more persistent shadows just disappeared.
It's not my news to share yet.
(If you checked all my friend links, you might find it)

But I'm jittery and silly with happiness.

picture green grass,...

...leaves on the trees,
and a white volkswagen in the driveway.



It's almost final.
My stubborn, negotiating husband (along with the expertise of our amazing realtor, Noel Berg) got us a really good deal.

Come visit us soon.

some indi afterthoughts

More pictures are here, but
I just uploaded my camera again and found a few more images from our week in Indianapolis...

This shady tree-covered sidewalk was our favorite stretch on our walks...

Our night time view...(we actually didn't see it until our last night there when we realized we'd kept the curtains closed every evening from 8:00pm till morning--so that one particular member of our family would go to sleep and STAY asleep all night)

I wish my abilty to feel things for other people held some
practical purpose.

It seems so meaningless to ache with hurt when it can't fix anything.

I wish my ability to carefully construct the world around me into a sepia toned, nostalgic, warm and fuzzy dream world could actually mend the brokenness that seems to lurking in too many corners right now.

This selfish craving of my own personal warmth and security in knowing the people I love are fulfilled, happy, loved...
...doesn't mean that they are fulfilled, happy, loved.

And all of my imaginative, artistic, naive wishing doesn't really hold any power to alter reality or hide the truth that life is not...sepia toned.

If it could somehow, magically (miraculously?) restore some of the hope, truth, depth into some of the broken things around me...would I be willing to give up the comfort (and appearance) of my own 'fairytale-ish' life?

my swirling thoughts turned to prayer

In God's loving presence I unwind the past day,

starting from now and looking back, moment by moment.
I gather in all the goodness and light, in gratitude.
I attend to the shadows and what they say to me, seeking healing, courage, forgiveness.

Lord, grant me the grace to be free from the excesses of this life.
Let me not get caught up with the desire for wealth.
Keep my heart and mind free to love and serve you.

(words from Sacred Space.)

Sometimes...

...there seems to be far more chaos than even I can feel. So much confusion and brokenness that I can't seem to focus enough to even feel anything.

And most of the time, I can feel everything...for everyone.

But tonight the heavy chaos around me and my own (mostly happy) chaos have left me with a kind of false tranquility, even ambivalence...

...a way of distancing and preserving myself from all the hurt of others that I usually immerse myself in?

Maybe I'm just tired.

But the cloudiness seems thicker than fatigue.