Friday, September 09, 2005

twenty-four.

Tomorrow.

Doesn't that sound old?

But I've always been a sort-of 'old soul'...so a more mature age doesn't really bother me. I've always pictured myself as an old lady...except for the disturbing premonition I used to have that I would die young. That's just my morbid, dramatic way of thinking (even when I was a little girl). Maybe it's because my mother, everytime she left for a trip...or even just to go out...would hug me violently, often sobbing, telling me that she loved me...and that I could have her piano and her dishes if...

That dark way of looking at life did help me to understand human frailty. I don't usually take time or relationships for granted...knowing that I am not guaranteed tomorrow. But I do feel things a little too deeply.

Right now...I'm feeling deeply overwhelmed by tomorrow. Not my birthday. Usually I look forward to that.
Tomorrow, at 2:40 I have my audition in Grand Rapids.

I may have news to post tomorrow. (gulp) Thanks for all your encouragement and accountability to at least follow through on this.

If they choose someone else, I think I'll take it as a sign that God is showing me that I can't handle one more thing this year.

(Actually, that is just what I'm using to deny the reality that I just might not be good enough--It's much easier to identify my failure as God's will. So we'll just call it that.)

I don't have every note under my fingers. There's just too much music...and difficult music. I've improved my playing noticeably though (at least to me). And I feel really good about what I've accomplished as a violinist...something I haven't felt in a long time.

So regardless of what tomorrow brings, I know that this is good. (Even if *I'm* not good enough.)

5 comments:

Wags said...

Ang- you'll never be labeled even close to 'not good enough'... (: you are an amazing person. Happy birthday!

ANTI-ONION SOCIETY said...

happy birthday, ang..i agree with eric: you are an amazing person, and i'm proud of you.

cheesy-spoosh said...

Happy Birthday, Ang!! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Elaina said...

Happy Birthday!!! Please, pleease don't turn into one of those teachers who is always making old jokes on themselves. It's overdone. As far as I know ;) all your students consider you young, vibrant and very sweet. Oh, and I've always wanted to play like you, it's beautiful!

Kim said...

Everyone else has said it so wonderfully, but I have to say it again. You *are* and amazing person and I know that if they don't pick you, it will surely not have anything to do with your talent...they'd be luck to have you!