Too tired to form complete sentences.

So instead, a list of the 'big' things that fill my mind (and calendar) for the next month...

27th. emma turns 10!
28th. maya's first birthday party
29th. another open house
2nd. maya turns ONE!
3rd & 4th. two evening pit orchestra performances of "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown"
11th. "pinocchio" the musical...performed by my elementary students
11th. my Middle and High School Choir Concert
12th. WSSO's ("black tie optional"...and yes, of course, I'll be taking that option) Gala
saturdays. bridal showers
24th. my students' Violin Recital
25th. piano accompaniment for CCS Kindergarten Graduation
1st. School ENDS!
2nd. maya & I (hopefully both of us are capable of the skill needed to) walk down the aisle for a very special bride

then...



SUMMER!!

I've been reading my last post again and again.

They aren't even my words. But somehow they sort of answer/calm my questions about myself.

Is who I am okay? Shouldn't I have done more by now with my abilities and dreams? Am I more than mediocre at anything? Why do I feel the need to make excuses for what I'm not?

Everyday I make choices to do the best with what I have at the moment, to do what's possible with what I have...knowing that if only I practiced more, prepared more, had more motivation, creative energy...I COULD do something really profound and truly great. But the dailyness of this cycle seems to confirm that maybe I'm not great...at anything.

I'm not exactly feeling bad...just trying to identify, sort-through, the feelings that seem to linger under the surface every day.

In a few minutes, I'll leave our house to join Ryan for the (what used to be our date-night) Symphony. He just called to see if it would be okay for us to have dinner afterwards at my favorite restaurant with the conductor and the guest artists.

Really. This is normal for us now. It sounds like a dream. But instead of excitement, I mostly feel intimidated, regretful. The chasm of contrast between my 'ordinaryness' as a mediocre music teacher who plays the violin (and is a bit "rusty" at the moment...or for the last 3 years) and the brilliance, success, and dilligence of these REAL musicians leaves me far more aware of my....(here it is again)...mediocrity.

But I must grow up. I must embrace my inadequacies, my vulnerability... How did she put it?
"unafraid to be vulnerable, involved, committed, to accept disagreement without feeling threatened (repeat and underline this one), to understand that I cannot take myself seriously until I stop taking myself seriously--to be, in fact, a true adult."

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts...the words of Christ dwell in you richly. And be thankful. (Colossians)

So off I go.

So my hope, each day as I grow older, is that this will never be simply chronological aging--which is a nuisance and frequently a bore--but that I will also grow into maturity, where the experience which can be acquired only through chronology will teach me how to be more aware, open, unafraid to be vulnerable, involved, committed, to accept disagreement without feeling threatened (repeat and underline this one), to understand that I cannot take myself seriously until I stop taking myself seriously--to be, in fact, a true adult.

To be.


-Madeleine L'Engle (A Circle of Quiet)

Spring Break Highlights...

Despite the persistent snow and freezing weather, the break was calming and decadent. I had hoped for lots of long, sunlit walks with Maya in the stroller, but instead we enjoyed...

Finishing our house projects (making/painting shutters, landscaping...)

House shopping while other people looked at our house (the open house went well...no bites yet, though).

Ryan's new job... started Monday. He's the Development Manager. (So we'll be attending some exclusive recitals and black tie galas.) Maya and I visited a few times to see Daddy's cool new office on the fourth floor of the Frauenthal Theater downtown.

Lunch and shopping with my Mom and Maya. Without spending a penny, I got to help pick out some beautiful clothes for my soon to be one-year-old birthday girl.

Making music with Ryan. One of my most treasured activities. And not something everyone gets to do with their husband.

A late night with cousin Katie. Happy conversations. Just chatting while Ryan snored on the couch.

A phone call from the Music Education Chair at MSU. I'm accepted into the MSU Grad program! (though I won't officially be a Grad student until 2008, I'll start a few classes this summer)

Enjoying peaceful days in a mostly organized, clean house...since it's on the market it stays that way a bit more than usual.

Yoga. Something I wish I made time for more often.

Practicing my violin. A rare pleasure.

A long, hot bath with a good book.

A couple of fun hours spent starting to get to know a new friend.

Dinner, frozen yogurt, and a movie date...and Maya spent the night with Grandma & Papa! So...sleeping in till after 8:00.

Breakfast at Toast & Jam's with the Corbins ....and Maya's soon-to-be Uncle Sean (who is adored by Maya...most likely because he will do anything to make her laugh).

Spending fun, creative time, talking with and recording royalty free music with my brother.

Easter dinner with family. A bit of a happy chaotic blur, but always fun. And the best chocolate cake ever created.

the source of most of my smiles

time

I know it's only an illusion, but I feel quite rich this week. Hours and hours without obligations or deadlines.

My companion for Spring Break... (doesn't she seem alarmingly full of wisdom and insight here? )


She used to be so little.


I'm bound to be inspired soon.
I will post this week.

Something.