They aren't even my words. But somehow they sort of answer/calm my questions about myself.
Is who I am okay? Shouldn't I have done more by now with my abilities and dreams? Am I more than mediocre at anything? Why do I feel the need to make excuses for what I'm not?
Everyday I make choices to do the best with what I have at the moment, to do what's possible with what I have...knowing that if only I practiced more, prepared more, had more motivation, creative energy...I COULD do something really profound and truly great. But the dailyness of this cycle seems to confirm that maybe I'm not great...at anything.
I'm not exactly feeling bad...just trying to identify, sort-through, the feelings that seem to linger under the surface every day.
In a few minutes, I'll leave our house to join Ryan for the (what used to be our date-night) Symphony. He just called to see if it would be okay for us to have dinner afterwards at my favorite restaurant with the conductor and the guest artists.
Really. This is normal for us now. It sounds like a dream. But instead of excitement, I mostly feel intimidated, regretful. The chasm of contrast between my 'ordinaryness' as a mediocre music teacher who plays the violin (and is a bit "rusty" at the moment...or for the last 3 years) and the brilliance, success, and dilligence of these REAL musicians leaves me far more aware of my....(here it is again)...mediocrity.
But I must grow up. I must embrace my inadequacies, my vulnerability... How did she put it?
"unafraid to be vulnerable, involved, committed, to accept disagreement without feeling threatened (repeat and underline this one), to understand that I cannot take myself seriously until I stop taking myself seriously--to be, in fact, a true adult."
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts...the words of Christ dwell in you richly. And be thankful. (Colossians)
So off I go.