Friday, April 13, 2007

I've been reading my last post again and again.

They aren't even my words. But somehow they sort of answer/calm my questions about myself.

Is who I am okay? Shouldn't I have done more by now with my abilities and dreams? Am I more than mediocre at anything? Why do I feel the need to make excuses for what I'm not?

Everyday I make choices to do the best with what I have at the moment, to do what's possible with what I have...knowing that if only I practiced more, prepared more, had more motivation, creative energy...I COULD do something really profound and truly great. But the dailyness of this cycle seems to confirm that maybe I'm not anything.

I'm not exactly feeling bad...just trying to identify, sort-through, the feelings that seem to linger under the surface every day.

In a few minutes, I'll leave our house to join Ryan for the (what used to be our date-night) Symphony. He just called to see if it would be okay for us to have dinner afterwards at my favorite restaurant with the conductor and the guest artists.

Really. This is normal for us now. It sounds like a dream. But instead of excitement, I mostly feel intimidated, regretful. The chasm of contrast between my 'ordinaryness' as a mediocre music teacher who plays the violin (and is a bit "rusty" at the moment...or for the last 3 years) and the brilliance, success, and dilligence of these REAL musicians leaves me far more aware of my....(here it is again)...mediocrity.

But I must grow up. I must embrace my inadequacies, my vulnerability... How did she put it?
"unafraid to be vulnerable, involved, committed, to accept disagreement without feeling threatened (repeat and underline this one), to understand that I cannot take myself seriously until I stop taking myself seriously--to be, in fact, a true adult."

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts...the words of Christ dwell in you richly. And be thankful. (Colossians)

So off I go.


Redbaerd said...

hmmm. there's too much depth and ambivalence in this post for me to answer in the comments.

Even though I love it as a post.

So I'm writing you a letter. Watch your mailbox.

Ang said...

i'm watching my mailbox with great anticipation.

My feelings still linger... even though i had a truly wonderful time. I guess I had forgetten how elevating, inspiring and fun it is to spend time with intense, creative, artist types.

Though it turns out that exceedingly accomplished musicians/artists/people are remarkable and unremarkable too. In that...they are real people with regrets and insecurities. And even with only a veiled glimpse of their life, despite the glamour and success...I could easily decide that I am rich in my own.

But I can't wait to read your letter. I'd like to think I can neatly wrap up my thoughts and solve this...but I have a sinking feeling this life struggle is one that persists. As much as part of me just wants to sink in it....feel it deeply...i also have to move on and let it make me better somehow...

Wags said...

you need to have zero regrets about where you are at. you are living a truly, beautiful life. you are so very, very talented at many things... can i tell you something? It is not those God-given gifts and abilities that you have that adds up to make who you are or who you have become. You make so many people proud and bring joy to so many as well... and it's because of who you are, not because of what you can do!
There are always so many options that God gives us and opens up to us as we go through life. There are always 'what-ifs' that persist for not choosing a certain direction... but God has blessed you so much!
You may never play in the symphony you've dreamed of playing in, but you have spoken truth into people's lives and have impacted students... I think that is a more beautiful sound than any symphony could come close to.
You may never have your art displayed in world-famous art museum, but look at the world you have created for yourself! You have a husband who adores you and a daughter who can make the sun rise with just a smile... that is the most beautiful picture I could have ever dreamed of for you!!!
I can't wait to see what else God has in store for your life Ang...
much love,

Anonymous said...

I think we all wander around worrying about what we could do better, if we are really doing what God intended for us to do and are we in His will.
I think as we get older and wiser maybe some of that changes... I hope. :) I love ya Ange

aimee marie said...

i appreciate your honesty so much ang. while it baffles me to think that you wrestle with these feelings, it's so very comforting to know I'm not the only one with these inadequacies and vulnerabilities. you couldn't have spoken my feelings any more accurately. i may have to steal this for a post of my own. :)