Monday, August 01, 2005
waiting for inspiration...
Sitting here in my living room, I've somehow wasted another hour wandering through blogland. A student recently gave me her xanga address...opening up to me the world of student's blogs, an interesting adventure. I've also added some new friends links to my menu...greg, the jazz singer, and dave, the new blogger convert (my great hope of having all my friends blog is slowly being realized)
I didn't mean to not post for four days, but sometimes I revert back to my days of silent blog reading...back when there was no tranquility in my chaos. I used to merely observe, admire my blogging friends' musings from a safe distance without contributing anything in return.
Actually sorting through my racing thoughts (mostly shallow & uninteresting) to write something of value takes a lot more work than just clicking links and reading. My lack of meaningful inspiration, mingled with the guilt of not accomplishing anything practical (running, grocery shopping, laundry, visiting family or friends, cleaning, planning for school, practicing, composing/arranging music, reading/studying in my field, reading/studying Scripture) leaves me feeling rather blank...
The many things that I could/should be doing are calling to me.
And until I answer, my mind will be clouded with thoughts of productivity, and checklists.
I think that's why it's hard for me to pray too. Or call friends, or write letters, or contemplate/meditate on truths for any length of time.
It's really not in my nature to be a "list person." I usually project a more "dreamer" type persona. And I don't want to start measuring my value or level of success merely by the number of specific tasks I accomplish in a day, but I do hate 'wasting' time...that sinking feeling that something very valuable has been irretrievably lost, and I have nothing to show for it.
And at the moment, I think my reservations about spending anymore time with this computer are kindof valid.
It's a beautiful day, and I cannot miss another minute of it. But when I return, I hope to come with more to offer...and less guilt on my conscience with which to burden you, my patient reader.