Monday, August 01, 2005

waiting for inspiration...

Sitting here in my living room, I've somehow wasted another hour wandering through blogland. A student recently gave me her xanga address...opening up to me the world of student's blogs, an interesting adventure. I've also added some new friends links to my menu...greg, the jazz singer, and dave, the new blogger convert (my great hope of having all my friends blog is slowly being realized)

I didn't mean to not post for four days, but sometimes I revert back to my days of silent blog reading...back when there was no tranquility in my chaos. I used to merely observe, admire my blogging friends' musings from a safe distance without contributing anything in return.

Actually sorting through my racing thoughts (mostly shallow & uninteresting) to write something of value takes a lot more work than just clicking links and reading. My lack of meaningful inspiration, mingled with the guilt of not accomplishing anything practical (running, grocery shopping, laundry, visiting family or friends, cleaning, planning for school, practicing, composing/arranging music, reading/studying in my field, reading/studying Scripture) leaves me feeling rather blank...

The many things that I could/should be doing are calling to me.

And until I answer, my mind will be clouded with thoughts of productivity, and checklists.

I think that's why it's hard for me to pray too. Or call friends, or write letters, or contemplate/meditate on truths for any length of time.

It's really not in my nature to be a "list person." I usually project a more "dreamer" type persona. And I don't want to start measuring my value or level of success merely by the number of specific tasks I accomplish in a day, but I do hate 'wasting' time...that sinking feeling that something very valuable has been irretrievably lost, and I have nothing to show for it.
And at the moment, I think my reservations about spending anymore time with this computer are kindof valid.

It's a beautiful day, and I cannot miss another minute of it. But when I return, I hope to come with more to offer...and less guilt on my conscience with which to burden you, my patient reader.


Jason said...

Thanks for the picture of your living room! I can see where some of your tranquility (and chore list) comes from.

I try to remind Erica (and myself) often that lists can quickly become a source of deadlock rather than productivity. Instead of providing a means to move forward, they are simply reminders of all the things you are not working on. Frustration soon follows and I am usually left with a feeling of helplessness, "knowing" that I'll never get everything done and with the inability to focus on any single task.

I am glad to hear that you are no longer sitting at your computer (as I type this on mine) and are outside enjoying the day. Perhaps in the next installment you can regale us with your experience, as I am bounded by my desk.

Four, five, maybe more, days... We, your readers, remain "patient" knowing the infinite possibilities that entice us to return to your thoughts and words.

And the irony: your thoughts about your thoughtlessness are quite thoughtful.

Cheesy-spoosh said...

I know the feeling and you captured it so wonderfully in your words. Glad to hear you your night got better. :)

Ang said...

after seeing my blog published, i saw a different irony: for being so "blank" I was quite wordy (as usual)
thanks for identifying. i'm now out of my 'funk'. my day picked up--i got more motivated and accomplished some of my goals, and ryan and i had a picnic at the beach for dinner, i worked on a painting at my art class in the evening, and i visited my mom on my way home. this morning i woke up with a lot more energy and actually ran--which i haven't done in a while, i even practiced some symphony pieces between my lessons today. i do think having a journal type outlet helps me identify my feelings and get over it! :)
thanks for the encouraging words.

Tammy Perlmutter said...

ang, thanks for the kind words regarding my blog. thanks for taking the time to read it, i appreciate it. i've moved twice in a year so i haven't been able to post much, especially since we don't have internet access at home anymore. i was spoiled for 12 years with free DSL! i enjoyed reading your blog also, and i see we really do read a lot of the same books and listen to a lot of the same music. and yeah, i did interview lauren winner. i never got it printed, but it was an awesome experience. she is very quirky and funny and extremely intelligent. that was when her new book real sex was just a twinkle in her eye. have you read that one yet? right now i'm reading chocolat by joanne harris with a few friends. it is sooo good. i never saw the movie. but the book is as delicious as its title. i just finished reading a slew of douglas coupland books and some books on raising girls (i have a 19-month-old baby girl) and a book called captivating: unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul by john and stasi eldredge. i also just read a year of pleasures which i also thought was very good. have you read any charles williams?