Sometimes...

...there seems to be far more chaos than even I can feel. So much confusion and brokenness that I can't seem to focus enough to even feel anything.

And most of the time, I can feel everything...for everyone.

But tonight the heavy chaos around me and my own (mostly happy) chaos have left me with a kind of false tranquility, even ambivalence...

...a way of distancing and preserving myself from all the hurt of others that I usually immerse myself in?

Maybe I'm just tired.

But the cloudiness seems thicker than fatigue.

after eight hours in a windowless classroom...

...Maya got to tell me about all the fun places she'd been with 'daddy.'

I am so grateful to Ryan for supporting me so fully...for encouraging me to go back to school, for the financial sacrifices, for taking vacation time to bring Maya to East Lansing for the week, so that we could be together.

p.s.-I don't think you even know this blog exists, but thank you Randy and Jo for opening your home and your lives to us all week. You were far more generous than we deserve.

where to begin..

...when it's been so long. I've often sat at the computer, opened a new post, and left it blank. I keep meaning to post. There have been lots of things to blog about.
But the longer I wait, the more daunting my task becomes.

This shouldn't be so much of a chore.

I like to think of it as a hobby. But you're not supposed to feel guilt for neglecting hobbies. Right?

So maybe my brothers are right. I just might not actually like blogging right now. I like looking back at posts I've written. I like reading friends' blogs. I even like thinking about future posts I intend to write. But somehow, I just don't do it.

So, as if you didn't already realize this (I'm writing this for myself. I'm aware that you are perceptive enough to understand this already. You know me well enough that you probably don't check here every day, disappointed that I STILL haven't posted anything new.) I have no expectations for this blog right now. No quotas, no guilt, no pressure.
In fact, I probably won't post much.
But I might.

And since I've already done this much work....

...I might as well just go ahead and ramble a bit...

I took a step this summer that makes me feel hopeful about my recurring BLAH feelings...my disappointment, regret, insecurity...
I became a student again.
There is something about being a student that makes me realize that my inadequacies are not unique and not permanent. I am still learning, growing. I am not yet ready to stagnate, to wallow in self pity and allow the daily grind to steal my hope.
I spent a week on the stately campus of MSU, walking under old trees, reading and writing music on benches in quiet botanical gardens, singing and acting ridiculous with other music teachers, studying the way that children learn, discussing musical development and creativity, having rich conversations with new friends...and learning from people that inspire me.

And again, I felt deeply happy that this is my job.

This week, another (and I think better) kind of happiness is mine... hours and hours of uninterrupted time with my Maya. While Ryan attends 'Fundraising School' at Indiana University, we've been filling our days with wandering about the streets and canals of Indianapolis, resting and playing in our air conditioned hotel room, and napping...

...oh, and searching online for places to live.
We're 99% sure we've sold our house!

finally, a new post...

...pictures of maya over here.

More to come...

Just so I don't miss the whole month of May...

...here's a post.

Don't laugh at me. I'm not really obsessive compulsive about a lot of things. Well maybe I am more than I like to admit.

But it would just really bother me if my archives skipped a month. I mean, how terrible would that look over on the right side of my blog? "...March, April, June..."

So don't worry. May is safe now. One post for May. Probably the best writing you've read in a while....thoughtful, enriching, inspiring, though provoking, witty.

Okay. I know it's sad.

More to come....sometime.

Good night.

Too tired to form complete sentences.

So instead, a list of the 'big' things that fill my mind (and calendar) for the next month...

27th. emma turns 10!
28th. maya's first birthday party
29th. another open house
2nd. maya turns ONE!
3rd & 4th. two evening pit orchestra performances of "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown"
11th. "pinocchio" the musical...performed by my elementary students
11th. my Middle and High School Choir Concert
12th. WSSO's ("black tie optional"...and yes, of course, I'll be taking that option) Gala
saturdays. bridal showers
24th. my students' Violin Recital
25th. piano accompaniment for CCS Kindergarten Graduation
1st. School ENDS!
2nd. maya & I (hopefully both of us are capable of the skill needed to) walk down the aisle for a very special bride

then...



SUMMER!!

I've been reading my last post again and again.

They aren't even my words. But somehow they sort of answer/calm my questions about myself.

Is who I am okay? Shouldn't I have done more by now with my abilities and dreams? Am I more than mediocre at anything? Why do I feel the need to make excuses for what I'm not?

Everyday I make choices to do the best with what I have at the moment, to do what's possible with what I have...knowing that if only I practiced more, prepared more, had more motivation, creative energy...I COULD do something really profound and truly great. But the dailyness of this cycle seems to confirm that maybe I'm not great...at anything.

I'm not exactly feeling bad...just trying to identify, sort-through, the feelings that seem to linger under the surface every day.

In a few minutes, I'll leave our house to join Ryan for the (what used to be our date-night) Symphony. He just called to see if it would be okay for us to have dinner afterwards at my favorite restaurant with the conductor and the guest artists.

Really. This is normal for us now. It sounds like a dream. But instead of excitement, I mostly feel intimidated, regretful. The chasm of contrast between my 'ordinaryness' as a mediocre music teacher who plays the violin (and is a bit "rusty" at the moment...or for the last 3 years) and the brilliance, success, and dilligence of these REAL musicians leaves me far more aware of my....(here it is again)...mediocrity.

But I must grow up. I must embrace my inadequacies, my vulnerability... How did she put it?
"unafraid to be vulnerable, involved, committed, to accept disagreement without feeling threatened (repeat and underline this one), to understand that I cannot take myself seriously until I stop taking myself seriously--to be, in fact, a true adult."

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts...the words of Christ dwell in you richly. And be thankful. (Colossians)

So off I go.

So my hope, each day as I grow older, is that this will never be simply chronological aging--which is a nuisance and frequently a bore--but that I will also grow into maturity, where the experience which can be acquired only through chronology will teach me how to be more aware, open, unafraid to be vulnerable, involved, committed, to accept disagreement without feeling threatened (repeat and underline this one), to understand that I cannot take myself seriously until I stop taking myself seriously--to be, in fact, a true adult.

To be.


-Madeleine L'Engle (A Circle of Quiet)

Spring Break Highlights...

Despite the persistent snow and freezing weather, the break was calming and decadent. I had hoped for lots of long, sunlit walks with Maya in the stroller, but instead we enjoyed...

Finishing our house projects (making/painting shutters, landscaping...)

House shopping while other people looked at our house (the open house went well...no bites yet, though).

Ryan's new job... started Monday. He's the Development Manager. (So we'll be attending some exclusive recitals and black tie galas.) Maya and I visited a few times to see Daddy's cool new office on the fourth floor of the Frauenthal Theater downtown.

Lunch and shopping with my Mom and Maya. Without spending a penny, I got to help pick out some beautiful clothes for my soon to be one-year-old birthday girl.

Making music with Ryan. One of my most treasured activities. And not something everyone gets to do with their husband.

A late night with cousin Katie. Happy conversations. Just chatting while Ryan snored on the couch.

A phone call from the Music Education Chair at MSU. I'm accepted into the MSU Grad program! (though I won't officially be a Grad student until 2008, I'll start a few classes this summer)

Enjoying peaceful days in a mostly organized, clean house...since it's on the market it stays that way a bit more than usual.

Yoga. Something I wish I made time for more often.

Practicing my violin. A rare pleasure.

A long, hot bath with a good book.

A couple of fun hours spent starting to get to know a new friend.

Dinner, frozen yogurt, and a movie date...and Maya spent the night with Grandma & Papa! So...sleeping in till after 8:00.

Breakfast at Toast & Jam's with the Corbins ....and Maya's soon-to-be Uncle Sean (who is adored by Maya...most likely because he will do anything to make her laugh).

Spending fun, creative time, talking with and recording royalty free music with my brother.

Easter dinner with family. A bit of a happy chaotic blur, but always fun. And the best chocolate cake ever created.

the source of most of my smiles

time

I know it's only an illusion, but I feel quite rich this week. Hours and hours without obligations or deadlines.

My companion for Spring Break... (doesn't she seem alarmingly full of wisdom and insight here? )


She used to be so little.


I'm bound to be inspired soon.
I will post this week.

Something.

Open House Sunday, April 1st 1:00-2:00 PM

Really....it's no April fool's joke.

Come make us an offer. Bring a friend.

Sorry we won't be here to see you.

forest hills for sale

I do apologize for this tacky (possibly abusive) mis-use of your blog-browsing time. I promise I'll actually 'show up' as a real blogger again soon.

But if you love us....and/or think you might know the perfect 'next-resident' for our house... read on.

We know it's a buyer's market, but we'd love to sell our house (in time to 'catch' our dream house that's up for sale).

We've lived here for close to four years, just long enough to finish all the updating projects. We've refinished and re-painted everything and have made it into a house we love. The electric has been upgraded to 150 amp and the box has been completely rewired. We (Ryan) meticulously remodeled and installed ceramic tile in the bathroom and the kitchen, refinished the hardwood floors in the bedrooms, the living room, the stairs, and the chianti-colored dining room with built-in corner china cabinets. There's plenty of closet space, a finished basement...

The cedar shake exterior has a fresh coat of paint (fall 2006), and the roof is new (summer 2005).

Mona Shores schools, three bedrooms, two full baths, formal dining room, full garage, good-sized fenced back yard, very fun neighborhood, close to the beach... with sidewalks, Frosty Oasis ice cream, and lots of friendly young families. (really great neighbors on all sides!)

We hope (with some confidence) that our asking price of $104,900 makes it priced to sell quickly.

For more info you can check out our realtor's listing page

The MLS # is 271021

A few recent pictures...

St. Valentine's Day

So...we really don't do Valentine's Day.
Sometimes Ryan and I take a weekend Chicago trip in February.
But Ryan's Birthday is at the end of the month, so most February presents & celebrations fall under that holiday.

However, since everybody else is doing it...

Ryan...
I want you to know how much I adore you. Since so much of our time together is spent rushing to the next thing, I spend too much time criticizing and nagging... And I don't tell you often enough how much I respect you, how much I love you, how much I really like you. I know how lucky I am. Waking up, knowing you are next to me brings me happiness every morning.
You have made marriage more wonderful than even I (in my fairy-tale like, idealisic dreams) could have imagined or hoped.
I am surprised again and again as I discover how deeply selfless you truly are. You are sensitive and thoughtful (despite your intimidating facade of cynical self-assurance). I love watching the ways you carefully try to understand the complexities of the people around you to show love to them in meaningful ways.

I could never admire any other person as I do you.

i played a Stradivarius yesterday.

I will never forget it.

It felt and sounded as exquisite as any 2.2 million dollar violin should.

wishing I wasn't 'the rich young ruler'

Poverty is so hard to see
When it’s only on your tv and twenty miles across town.
Where we’re all living so good
that we moved out of Jesus’ neighborhood.
Where He’s hungry and not feeling so good
from going through our trash.
He says, more than just your cash and coin,
I want your time, i want your voice.

I want the things you just can’t give me.


So what must we do?
Here in the west we want to follow You.
We speak the language and we keep all the rules...
even a few we made up.
Come on and follow me,
but sell your house, sell your SUV
sell your stocks, sell your security
and give it to the poor.
What is this?, Hey what’s the deal?
I don’t sleep around, and I don’t steal.

I want the things you just can’t give me


Because what you do to the least of these
my brothers, you have done it to me.

Because I want the things you just can’t give me.

-The Rich Young Ruler by Derek Webb

And despite the simplicity of the truth, I'm left feeling conflicted.

I really do love people deeply, and most of the time, generosity is an inherent response (though my motives aren't always innocent). My heart is ridiculously soft, pliable, sensitive, compassionate. But my unweildy pride and greed (thinly disguised as good and honest hopes, dreams, ambitions, plans) have grown up around it...twisting and intertwining like gnarled roots. They somehow convince me to just not care. To pretend to be ignorant to the depths of the poverty around me, to justify my choices by comparisons.

I really like to be known as a person that cares about social justice. To be 'all about' peace and love and anti- consumerism, materialism, and corporate america, and Western values that promote self advancement...at any cost. But to be completely honest, I spend so much of my time imagining an even better life for myself... time and money to travel, a bigger house with more space to entertain, a 'study' with room for all our books to be stored in elegant book cases, dressers for our bedroom made of real wood, a dining room set with matching chairs (instead of our hand-me down, wobbly table, and chairs the wrong color....poor me, right?), a porch, a fireplace, a whirlpool tub, a washer and dryer like the ones all the cool people have...(I'm already feeling that familiar buzz of pleasure just imagining it all again...) There are uglier ways to put it. When I'm altogether truthful, I'll call it covetousness, greed, lust.

At a dinner party once, Jesus said to his hosts, "You are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy--full of greed and wickedness! Fools! Didn't God make the inside as well as the outside? So clean the inside by giving gifts to the poor, and you will be clean all over."

I can do that...I give gifts to the poor. Pretty generous ones (...I like to tell myself). But they're still gifts that don't really hurt, or stretch my budget. Ones that allow me to maintain (maybe even upgrade from time to time) my lifestyle.

And to someone else with a similar fortune to mine, He said, "There is still one thing you haven't done. Sell all your posessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then, come follow me."

"...I want the things you just can't give Me."

Walking on Water

In the last few weeks...(or has it been months?), I've had an insatiable appetite for the words of Madeleine L'Engle. Not her fiction. I haven't read any of that since middle school when my sister, Lynn gave me A Wrinkle in Time.

I just started A Circle of Quiet: the Crosswicks Journal Book I. It was a Christmas present I had requested. And I am loving it. Her wisdom about faith and writing translates for me to my art, music. And each time I go back to read more, I am nourished again. Validated, despite my insecurities and failures....or maybe because of my insecurities and failures. I think I'll post some of her words soon.

This week, I finished reading Walking on Water, her essays about faith and art. My thoughts these days have been influenced by her words more than I even realized. In fact, as I began typing this post, a strange memory was triggered in my mind... an incident from last night that I had somehow forgotten...

A few of my students were with me in the back yard of my parents' house. We were having a conversation about Jesus walking on the water....so I suggested that we all put our toes in the pool. You know, to just feel the sensation of water under our feet, as He must have. It seemed the right thing to do at the time.
We were spaced apart all around the pool, maybe seven or eight of us, laughing and joking about actually stepping out onto the surface. I'm not sure why it scared me so much, she was standing at the shallow end of the pool. But as I saw her leaning over the water, I lurched forward, trying to keep Morgan from falling...no, walking into...onto...the water... To my relief and surprise, she was fine. Not drowning, she was hardly wet. Her feet weren't quite staying *on* the surface, but she was actually walking, well sort-of bouncing on the water. To the rest of us, it looked as if she were stepping on a trampoline covered in six inches of snow. With each step, her foot plunged only inches beneath the surface. I was amazed. So the rest of us joined her. We were delighted with our discovery. Why hadn't we tried this before? There wasn't really enough room in the pool. But despite being a bit crowded, it was incredibly fun. I made a mental note that I'd have to try this in Lake Michigan soon.

And then, without any more twists in the story or explanations, I woke up.

But maybe we *can* walk on water??

i bought a calendar today

2007 has been looming for quite a while. A steadily growing list of important dates...meetings, doctor's appointments, rehearsals, performances has been floating around in my mind, scribbled on tiny scraps of paper. I was getting nervous.

So I got a refill for my planner.

I still haven't filled it all in yet, but at least I have a place to do it.

The new year seems both a fresh canvas of possibilities and a large obstacle to trudge through. Part of me is full of hope and excitement, thinking of all the ways I'm going to be better, accomplish more, live more fully.

And yet another part of me is exhausted already...'three days down,three hundred sixty-two to go.'

Actually...I guess I just feel the drudgery of making it until June.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the 'post Christmas school year.'
I wanted to be more prepared...to have a complete plan for the rest of the school year for all my classes.

No, a complete plan for the rest of my life.

A much weightier list is floating around in my mind... The BIG things that occupy my near...and distant future. Whenever I start to think of New Year's Resolutions, I get excited...then nervous, and soon I am overwhelmed by the formidable obstacles and questions lurking within me and before me:


finishing....or even just starting my Master's Degree,

containing and organizing the constant clutter that threatens to fill our house...and drive me insane...

how long and how much will I continue to teach... next year, for the next seven years? fifteen years?

where and when will I ever work on being a better violinist?

transitioning Maya to drinking from a cup, from baby food to solid food, from rolling to crawling & walking, diapers to the toilet...

teaching her to love people, to love God, to be compassionate, independent, thoughtful, wise...

will we live in West Michigan forever? are we farmers....or gypsies?




But for the moment, I'm ready to rest. To be at peace. I think that's going to be part of my New Year's Resolution...
To find ways to be still. To rest in the assurance that my very existence is sustained by God's loving presence all around me and in me.

Once again, I've kept myself from sleep for too long. My healing, emotional outlet is actually becoming a destructive force-keeping me from going to bed.
So goodnight.

a perfect Christmas concert for children...

Horse drawn sleigh rides through the downtown,
Christmas ornament decorating,
the West Shore Symphony Orchestra,
orchestra conducting lessons from a real conductor,
a chance to try all the musical instruments of the symphony...an "Instrument Petting Zoo!"



The West Shore Symphony Orchestra's "Family Traditions" pre-concert event
1:00-2:45pm, before the 3:00pm Matinee on Dec. 16th
Specially priced main floor reserved seating and holiday activities for the whole family!




Special Matinee Offer...
BUY ONE TICKET,
GET ONE FREE!
ALL REMAINING
REGULAR PRICED SEATS,
MATINEE ONLY!

For more information call 231-726-3231 or visit www.wsso.org.
Tickets are available at the Frauenthal Box Office, or at Star Tickets Plus Outlets, online at www.starticketsplus.com, or by calling 800-585-3737. Ticket prices are $14-$41 with discounts for students, seniors, and groups.

Snow Day

My school is closed.

We were planning to stay home anyways. Maya and I were, that is. We both wish 'Daddy' could be home too.

We're feeling very tucked-in and sheltered from the blustery scene outside our window. Days at home without a mile long to-do list are always refreshing. But the icy wonderland outside and the mountain of snow in our driveway make our quiet warm house seem even more serene.

Tomorrow will be filled with activity...accompanying a viola student at Solo & Ensemble, conducting my string ensembles in their Christmas Concert at the Art Museum, visiting Barnes & Noble to hear a student String Quartet, and dinner with friends.

But today, ethereal Christmas music sung by choirs in far away cathedrals has been floating through our house all day (compliments of our beloved Pandora Radio).

And we're basking in the pleasure of... a new story book from Great Grandma Corbin (with Maya's own hand-crocheted mitten), hazelnut coffee, warm baths (one for each of us), restful reading, the scent of clean laundry,...







...and Maya's first Christmas tree.